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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24777019">Fonic Hymns in B Minor</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisappearingMuse/pseuds/DisappearingMuse'>DisappearingMuse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tales of Series, Tales of the Abyss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Other, all four keterburgers have a POV, although theoretically it could be interpreted as feelings on Jade's side go wild, aroace Jade vibes are strong, in short we're here to have a fun and raunchy time but also get our hearts broken!, less science more character study i dont know fomicry, sexy dreams, the keterburg crew knows how to dance and they will use their knowledge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:34:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>39,048</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24777019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisappearingMuse/pseuds/DisappearingMuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Working together after the events at Eldrant forces Dist and Jade to confront their past and their complicated relationship. Unfortunately, they're just as bad at feelings as they are good at fomicry. Based on Chevelle's album Wonder What's Next.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dist the Reaper &amp; Jade Curtiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Family System</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This idea came to be while I was listening to Wonder What's Next in my car and instantly started daydreaming about how perfectly it aligned with the Jade/Dist dynamic...then it became an 11 chapter saga, each centered around a different song from the album. Whoops. My current plan is to release one chapter every Monday, although this is subject to change. I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="Standard">SIDE A: LIES</p><p class="Standard">
  <em>“What a man’s got, he’ll learn to hate.”</em>
</p><p>In dream logic, it made perfect sense.</p><p>Dist never questioned why he was sitting up in a bed in the Keterburg hotel. Why Jade entered wearing a bathrobe, his long hair wet and reedy. Or why he went straight to Dist, tilted his chin up with one finger, and kissed him.</p><p>Probably the only accurate part was that Jade was a horrible kisser, as he’d never had practice. He was tactical about it, methodical: a peck on the lips and retreat, a surgical insertion of the tongue. Dist didn't mind. He found it charming, and he liked being better at something than Jade.</p><p>Jade's controlled breaths exchanged with Dist's moans. He bit down on Jade's lip, trying to draw sound from him. Clutched fistfuls of Jade's hair, feeling water droplets skitter down his knuckles. Felt their glasses bump against each other. Having the scenario he’d imagined a million times play out felt like pouring salve on a long-burning itch, and simultaneously, made it burn harder, impossible to satisfy. Dist trailed a hand down Jade's chest, parting the robe.</p><p>Jade pulled away, smirking. “Patience, love.”</p><p>Dist whimpered. He’d been patient for twenty-three years. Jade lifted his hand to his mouth, kissing his fingers, rubbing warmth into them, and Dist's indignation melted. Slowly, Jade moved the hand over each rung in his rib cage, the knotted muscles in his stomach, and finally through the robe's folds, pressing Dist's fingers between his legs, where he was hard and wet.</p><p>He leaned in close, murmuring, “I've loved you forever, you know. I was just too proud to say anything.”</p><p>Dist’s heart tried to beat out of his chest, startling him awake.</p><p>He wasn’t in the Keterburg hotel, but a dingy hotel room in Daath, where the bed creaked and the paint on the orange walls had peeled everywhere so that it resembled sunburned skin. The sack of belongings he was bringing to the docks tonight sagged against the end table. The feeling of being in the dream slipped through his fingers, his body already forgetting how Jade’s lips felt on his, the only remnant his boner. Of course it hadn’t been real. Jade would never say “love” like that. Would never call him that.</p><p>Dist flopped back on his pillow, sighing and slipping a hand beneath the sheets. “Fuck you, Jade.”</p><hr/><p>Dist’s official last day as a God-General had been two years ago, so walking into the Oracle Headquarters felt surreal. He never thought he'd be allowed in here again, but apparently, they wanted to discuss the terms of his new employment with him.</p><p>It came as a complete surprise: he had been sitting in his prison cell when Jade and Peony came to him, telling him they'd gotten his case dismissed with an obscure loophole about improper investigation methods and Peony's wallet. They didn't do it out of the goodness of their heart, of course- Jade needed Dist to join him in replica research. He was tempted to keep his dignity and refuse, but the promise of seeing Jade every day, working with him again, knowing that Jade needed him, was too alluring. Not to mention they would be far away from Peony. Nephry agreed to set them up in her mansion, where Peony would never set foot in order to avoid Nephry. It was no Belkend, but Jade said what he wanted to research was "outside the realm of interest" of other agencies. "Unconventional," which he suspected translated to "technically unethical."</p><p>That had been months ago. After Jade explained the situation, he followed it up with, "Not that I'm releasing you right away, of course. I need time to get our arrangements together, and I have few strings to tie up with the military. Besides, it would do you some good to pay for your sins." Lies. He just wanted to see Dist rot in prison.</p><p>Before heading to the inner chambers, Dist ascended to the second floor to see what had become of his old room, only to find the door shut. He leaned over the railing overlooking the first floor as Oracle Knights carried the last of his things, which had been shoved in storage for months, to the docks. Where the entrance hall was once empty and quiet, now it bustled with people, their noise ballooning up to the high ceilings. With the Commandant and former God-Generals gone, it was a frantic rush to get the Order back to normal operation. He would never see the changes come to fruition, but he was used to that. His adult whole life had been nomadic, and the places he found himself in were inconsequential set pieces he swept through.</p><p>A small shadow bisected his. “Dist? What are you doing here?”</p><p>It was Anise Tatlin. She barely stood past his chest, but she tilted her gaze up to his assertively, hands on her hips.</p><p>He straightened. "The Order has come crawling back to me. They need my knowledge." </p><p>“Sure." She paused. "Hey, while you're here, could you fix Tokunaga for me?” She unslung Tokunaga from around her shoulders, holding out his paw. It was torn, spilling stuffing. “I was shielding some guys on a pilgrimage from the monsters and they really roughed him up.”</p><p>“I suppose I can spare the time.” Dist pulled a spool and needle from his breast pocket, a habit he still hadn’t broken. He used to mend Arietta’s dolls, too, when her liger friends chewed them up or they got punctured in battle. Despite always making a big deal out of it, he found it calming. Collecting Tokunaga from Anise, he sat against the wall, and she settled a fair distance away.</p><p>“You know I won’t be here anymore to keep cleaning up after your barbaric habits.” He looped brown thread through the eye of the needle.</p><p>“Yeah, about that. How’s the colonel?”</p><p><em>Cumming on me in an alternate reality. </em>“As obnoxious as ever. I’m not sure what his motives are, either. He says he wants to make life easier for replicas? That doesn’t sound like him. He’s never done anything that wasn’t self-serving.”</p><p>“He’s not the same person you knew,” Anise said. “Now he’s self-serving, like, ninety-nine percent of the time. I mean, with him, sure, there’s always something about his motives you can’t trust. But he’s sincere about this. Trust me on that.” She perked up. “We’re trying to do the same thing in the Order.”</p><p>“Are you?”</p><p>“Yep! It’s slow, but we’re making progress. I think everyone getting to watch Florian grow up, seeing he’s just a normal person, helps. And when I’m Fon Master, everything’s gonna be different.”</p><p>He snorted. “You? Fon Master? That’s a childish dream.”</p><p>Anise brushed the comment off. “I’ve already gained ranks since I came back. <em>From saving Auldrant. </em>You just wait. We’ve already gotten a lot done…” He tuned her out as she regaled him with the new changes.</p><p>Behind them, the door opened. Dist's gaze whipped towards it. A woman in thick black robes like a mourner’s hesitated in the doorway. Over her shoulder, Dist caught a glimpse of the window view, which overlooking the gardens. <em>His </em>view.</p><p>The woman looked to be in her fifties, her face lined and her black hair piled in a bun and streaked with silver. The gnarled wooden cane in her hand, engraved with a fonic glyph he didn’t recognize, tapped a rhythm on the floor as she walked down the hall towards them.</p><p>“Who’s that?” Dist murmured.</p><p>“Raquelle the Shadow," said Anise. "I don’t get her, she’s always off in her own world. But I’d be careful around her. Apparently she’s a talented fonist.”</p><p>He was already mentally putting her in his revenge journal before remembering he would probably never see her again. That he had no claim to this room or this place anymore.</p><p>Raquelle stopped in front of them. “Hello, Anise.” She blinked her spidery eyelashes at Tokunaga. “Is that a doll?”</p><p>“This is a weapon of <em>war</em>,” Dist snapped.</p><p>“My apologies.” She knelt before of him, and he tried not to flinch under the scrutiny of her abyss-black eyes. “It looks beautifully made.”</p><p>The compliment softened him. The fonic glyph on her cane, awakened his scientific curiosity. “Thank you. May I see that?”</p><p>Anise startled, but Raquelle said, “Of course,” and handed it to him.</p><p>“This is beautifully made as well.” He stroked the wood, pretending to be interested in it while cementing the glyph in his memory. It was a sixth fonon inscription, that much he could tell. A slight electric jolt tickled through his palms, and he nearly dropped it.</p><p>Raquelle recollected her cane, giving him a knowing smile. “Best of luck with your weapon.” With that, she breezed past, the Oracle Knight in her wake, talking after her. Dist rubbed the tingling out of his fingers.</p><p>“I told you,” Anise said.</p><p>“I can handle myself just fine," Dist said.</p><p>She huffed. “As I was saying…”</p><p>She kept talking until Dist made the last stroke, cinching Tokunaga’s arm up, and dropped him on her lap.</p><p>“Oh. Thanks.” Anise ran her fingers over the new stitches. “Well, I guess I should let you go back to…whatever.” She stood, hesitating. “I know we weren’t always on the same side, but good luck.”</p><p>Dist wanted to correct her. All along, he had been on Jade’s side. Had he succeeded in bringing Nebilim back, Jade would have seen he was right, would have been happy. But that was impossible now. “You should really learn how to sew," he said. "Save yourself the trouble.”</p><p>“No, I think Raquelle knows how.” She tossed him an infuriating smile and skipped off with Tokunaga.</p><p>Dist returned to the first floor. An Oracle Knight he passed seemed to recognize him and gave him a venomous stare. A pause where the knights used to call him “sir” gaped up at him. If they thought it shamed him, they were wrong. Dist stared the same venom back. It was too late for anyone to punish him; he had nothing to lose. </p><p>Across the room, a man in a chef's uniform surfaced a memory of sitting in the dining hall with the other God-Generals surfaced. They were discussing plans for constructing Eldrant over dinner when Asch put down his fork and threw one of his fits over the undercooked potatoes. The other five fell silent, exchanging stunned looks- then burst out laughing. Even stoic Legretta nearly spit out her drink. Their laughter further enraged Asch, which just made them laugh harder. In the end, though, even he joined in, agreeing it was a stupid thing to be upset about while Auldrant was falling apart. It was a rare moment when the tension broke, their separate motives forgotten, like they were a dysfunctional family and the headquarters a home.</p><p>The memory dissipated as quickly as it came. Sure, he would miss the gardens, the gourmet food, and although Arietta had been a complete savage who smelled like dirty paws, he missed fixing her dolls. But he was finally, finally going back to the one home that mattered. </p><hr/><p>Emperor Peony sat in the corner of Jade’s office, surrounded by his usual mess of scrolls. He was trying to read a proposal from Daath, but the scratching sounds of Jade emptying his desk screamed over his internal monologue. Any other day, it would have been pleasant background noise. Today, it served as a reminder that Jade was leaving.</p><p>Jade had been involved in the military since returning from Eldrant. Peony should have been more worried about Jade going into the military than him going off to work on fomicry, but he never worried too much about Jade's physical wellbeing; he could handle himself just fine. This time, Peony was concerned about whatever was going on in that black hole he called a brain, and somehow, that scared him more. Jade returned from the most horrific battles unscathed, but after Tataroo Valley, he came back different.</p><p>Words swam in front of Peony’s eyes, meaningless. With a performative sigh, he put the document down. “New policies from the new Order, blah blah blah. Reading the fine print is so exhausting.”</p><p>“That gives me quite a bit of faith in your leadership,” Jade said.</p><p>“It’s been a hard day. Cute little Jade shat on the couch.” Not true- his pets weren't <em>savages</em>- but Jade was aware of his tricks, and he had to step up his game.</p><p>Light pink blossomed in Jade’s cheeks. “I’ll have to ask you to leave if you keep doing that.”</p><p>Peony smirked. He deeply enjoyed breaking that impenetrable exterior- and being the only one who could.</p><p>He fished a new document from Chesedonia. Knowing his dear friend Astor, that would be less stuffy.</p><p>A little pink snout nudged the door open, and a rappig snuffled into the room. It jumped onto Peony’s lap, crunching the scroll. “Luke! To what do I owe this honor?”</p><p>The slipup sank in, and Peony cursed himself. He had considered changing the animal’s name so it wasn’t a cruel reminder for Jade, but that wouldn’t escape Jade’s notice either. He didn’t have to glance up to know That Look had appeared on Jade’s face: the one where his eyes unfocused, filling with something sad and lost, something un-Jade-like. It happened whenever Luke’s name came up. He hadn’t seen Jade like this since losing Nebilim. In hindsight, it made sense why he got so attached. Like Nebilim, Luke had been proof to Jade that people could really change. That he could do the same. They hadn’t talked about what happened to Luke, nor the strange red-haired man who came back in his place and disappeared again shortly after. The window to bring it up was closing, but he didn’t know how to verbalize what he wanted to say any more than Jade did.</p><p>Peony pulled the crinkled scroll from under the rappig’s feet, tearing off a chunk at the bottom. “Oops. Hope that wasn’t important.”</p><p>Jade blinked to clear the expression and opened another drawer. “Yulia save this country.”</p><p>Peony scanned it. “Don’t worry. Just another trade agreement.” He rifled around for a quill and scribbled his signature. “Yes, I want your cauliflowers.”</p><p>Jade went back to smiling, but it was a band-aid over an internal wound. Peony had showered him with band-aids these past few weeks; tickets to the Keterburg Spa that he never used, and lemon gels, his favorite food.</p><p>An envelope with familiar curly, distinguished script caught Peony’s attention. “Oh, it’s from Tear!”</p><p>Jade looked up with interest; he probably hadn’t seen her since Tataroo Valley. “Tear wrote to you?”</p><p>“I bet I know what this is.” He opened it, unfurling the letter. “Yes! She’s coming to the banquet!”</p><p>The banquet was an annual event Peony had been hosting in the castle for seven years. Advertised as a ceasefire event to promote peace between kingdoms, it was actually an excuse for booze, dancing, and flamboyant costumes. Perhaps it was a powder keg for drunken declarations of war instead. Nonetheless, it was his favorite time of year, only four and a half months away now.</p><p>“You invited her?” Jade asked.</p><p>“She’s more than just a guest. She’ll be singing for us!” Peony said.</p><p>“I can’t believe you roped her into that.”</p><p>“I didn't rope her into it. She wanted to. And there’s more to come. I invited all your old traveling companions.”</p><p>Jade put a hand to his temple. “I see you’re going to every measure to get me to come.” He already told Peony he might have to miss this year- like he did every year. </p><p>“Oh, please. You never need any coercing. It’s so entertaining to watch everyone find out the great Necromancer knows how to dance.”</p><p>“All refined men know how to dance.” That was the line constantly repeated to them in school. Alongside writing and fonic science, the uppity Keterburg school also gave its students dance lessons. Brought up in royalty, it came naturally to Peony. It came naturally to Jade, too; he put on airs that he could take or leave it, but Peony witnessed him get lost in the flow of dancing the same way he did while casting an arte. “It would be a nice reunion. I’ll see what I can do.”</p><p>Taking that as a yes, Peony went back to stroking rappig Luke and pretending to read a proposal from Kimlasca while he tried formulated his own words in his head. The right words. Ones that would- what? Get Jade to open up to him? Talk about his feelings? Impossible.</p><p>He didn’t realize how much time passed until Jade shut the final suitcase and said, “I suppose it’s time I started preparations for the ship.”</p><p>Panic shot through him. Now or never. Peony didn’t have the right words, but what else was new? He left everything until the last minute. He plopped Luke on the floor, ignoring the rappig’s squeal of protest, and scrambled up. “I’ll help you carry your things out. But before you leave- I’m sorry about Luke.” So graceful. Perfect timing.</p><p>Jade’s surprise bobbed above the surface of his placid expression for an instant before dipping under again. “What’s this all of a sudden?”</p><p>“You can’t think I haven’t noticed what...that did to you. I know you’re not okay, and I’m worried about you.”</p><p>“I appreciate your concern, Your Majesty, but I’m alright. I’m no stranger to loss.”</p><p>Peony shook his head. “I know you, Jade. I know that- that what little emotion you have, you don’t know what to do with, and so you repress it. And then you get erratic and dangerous, ‘cause that’s the only way you can deal with it.”</p><p>Jade betrayed nothing, but Peony knew talking about this made him uncomfortable. “That’s surprisingly astute for you. But you’re off the mark this time. I’m fine.”</p><p>Although he knew no one could get through to Jade, the words stung. If anyone could, it should be him. What good was he as Jade’s friend if all he could do was make Jade laugh and talk to him about frivolous banquets?</p><p>“Alright. You’re fine.” Peony smacked Jade’s shoulder as a goodbye (and, well, partly in frustration.) “Just take care of yourself. And don't pick on Dist too much." He worried about Dist being in such close quarters with Jade, given his feelings for him. Yulia knew, he couldn't even be around Nephry.</p><p>"Look who's talking," Jade said.</p><p>"Hey, I'm more mature than that now."</p><p>"Right. It's easy to forget that." Jade rested a hand on Peony’s shoulder in return, and his disappointment lightened. “You take care of yourself, too."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Popping back in here for some juicy analysis! While some chapter/title pairings are very obvious, some are a little more obscure- this one may be the most. Not to authorsplain my own symbolism, and of course I am open to other interpretations, but I thought it could be interesting to go into it! I didn't want to sacrifice a coherent storyline for perfect alignment with each song, so with "Family System", the reference is more to an unrelated family than blood family- the God-Generals in Dist's case, and to some extent, Peony in Jade's case.</p><p>Also, I couldn't resist a cameo from the new God-Generals I've been developing. I'm keeping with the names based on musical terms theme- as you've probably guessed, this one comes from "requiem."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Comfortable Liar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“My take on you is simple/So heal your fear”</em>
</p><p>Dist dropped his suitcase as he entered Nephry's room, lighting up at the sight of her straightening the tacky knick-knacks on her desk. "Nephry!"</p><p>The same joy blossomed on her face. "Saphir!" She ran to him, sweeping him into a hug. He relaxed into her arms, his fears of her reacting to him with contempt melting away. Hearing his old name jarred him, and he nearly corrected her, but she was so happy that he let it slide. She gave him one last squeeze and pulled back. "I've missed you. I'm so glad you're going to be staying here."</p><p>"I missed you, too." The faraway memories of sitting in her room when they were children, playing with her dolls, both of them laughing until they couldn't breathe, seemed a little closer. "I saw the new streetlights on the walk in, by the way. Did you have those put in? They're lovely." </p><p>Nephry tossed her hair, pretending to preen. "I did. I can't believe you noticed." She clasped her hands. "Oh, you should see the new shopping center, too."</p><p>"There's a new one? You'll have to show me. Maybe we could go there tonight if you're not, you know, governing..."</p><p>They continued to talk while she walked him through the mansion. The view from Dist’s room on the top floor of Nephry’s mansion outclassed the one in the Order of Lorelei headquarters. It gave him a panoramic view of the town, last night’s snow burying the sidewalks and lumped on rooftops. His imagination superimposed a different image over it: an empty space became Nebilim’s schoolhouse, and the little red house in the corner of town still had his parents inside. </p><p>The makeshift lab down the hall, where she left him alone to explore, was another story. What Dist loved about labs was how alive they were: machines clicking, wires buzzing, people calling to each other. By comparison, this one was long dead.  Two rotted planks leaning against each other comprised the grand entryway. A chandelier from the room’s previous incarnation hung askew, half of its lights out. An organized bookshelf stood against one wall, and on the bottom shelf, two yellow cheagles in a cage nibbled on red sage. Two big fon machines murmured under their breath. And at one of the desks…</p><p>That was his chair.</p><p>Dist rushed to it, stroking its pink fabric. The prison guards confiscated it after his arrest- he never thought he would see it again.</p><p>Footsteps clicked behind him, and he turned to see Jade ducking beneath the boards, carrying a teacup and wearing a familiar, neutral smile. “Good morning, Saphir.”</p><p>It should bother him that Jade called him by his old name, too- likely to annoy him. He adopted a new one to leave behind his old self, the boy who always cried, who feared everything. But he liked how soft it sounded on Jade’s lips, and the time Jade looked at him with such sad eyes and said, “Goodbye, Saphir,” like he actually cared, still haunted him.</p><p>Dist patted the chair. “You didn’t destroy it?”</p><p>“It appears just as indestructible as you are. I don’t know what kind of artes you’ve imbued it with. I tried defenestrating it. And burning it. And cutting it open. You’ve succeeded in wasting your efforts on it. It’s all yours. In any case, thank you for coming."</p><p>"I have nowhere else to be, now that I walked out on the God-Generals.”</p><p>“You were fired.”</p><p>“Not before I walked out on them.” Dist settled into the chair, sinking into the plush backing. He’d missed it, especially after the hard prison cots.</p><p>“I would give you the grand tour, but this is all there is to see,” Jade said. “It’s no Belkend.”</p><p>Jade was being awfully polite, so he decided to mimic him. “We’re two geniuses. We’ll make it work.”</p><p>“One genius.”</p><p>That didn’t last long. Talking to Jade was an addictive casino game- one he could never win but kept playing anyway. “I assume you’re talking about me.”</p><p>“I’m not.”</p><p>“Please. You’re the one who came crawling back to me, asking for my help.”</p><p>“That’s not how I remember it.”</p><p>Rowdy squeaking and rattling drew Dist’s attention to the cheagle cage. They had finished their meals and were chasing each other, shaking the cage.</p><p>“A replica and original?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes,” Jade said. “Forgive me, I forgot to introduce you. Mieu says the original’s name is Sunflower. He named its replica Buttercup.”</p><p>“They have names?”</p><p>“It was only polite to ask.”</p><p>“Polite? It’s barbaric. Dissecting things that have names-”</p><p>“We won’t be dissecting them. We’ll be treating them under ethical guidelines. We’re going to avoid as many casualties as possible.”</p><p>Dist blinked. He could never imagine the old Jade saying that. "What, then, did you mean when you said 'unconventional work'?"</p><p>Jade sighed. "Pro-replica research hasn't been in favor these days. A lot of the 'research' they're doing supports false claims, and their methods bend the definition of ethical. Now, shall we get to the point?” Jade set his tea down on the desk across the room, picked up a notebook, and pulled up a chair next to Dist. The proximity made his heart race; he hadn’t been this close to Jade in so long. He leaned on his hand casually, pretending he felt nothing, that none of this felt unusual, that Jade hadn’t tried to kill him. He had gotten too good at pretending.</p><p>"I don’t know what our endgame will be, but in the near future, I have my sights set on releasing a dissertation on our findings.” Jade opened his notebook, and the calligraphic handwriting covering the pages took Dist back to sitting with him after Nebilim’s class, surrounded by notes that had nothing to do with her lesson- equations beyond what they were taught, the density of fifth fonons and the speed of seventh fonons. “First of all, I was hoping we could compare notes,” Jade said. “I’m sure you’ve learned quite a bit since continuing your research.”</p><p>Dist perked up, eager to tell Jade something he didn’t know. “Where to start…well, you know replicas’ personalities are different from their originals. I mean, look at Sync and Ion. So, obviously, I thought, a replica’s brain must be fundamentally different from their original’s, even though that should be impossible. When I was comparing fonic scans of an original and replica cheagle’s brains, I saw a difference in the patterns of fonons in the replica’s frontoparietal network.” He’d built his future research around this fact, trying to find a way to circumvent it, to create a more exact replica, a perfect Nebilim. “I’m still not sure how this happens- a mutation from the process of replication, maybe…” As he kept talking, Jade’s gaze held his, growing more and more intent. Captivating his attention gave Dist a familiar thrill, a mixture of desperation, scrambling for the right words to keep that attention, and terror of stumbling on the wrong words, that he would shut down again, would shut Dist out again.</p><p>“I’d thought something like that might be the case,” Jade said. “This is perfect proof that replicas are people in their own right. I wonder if…” He grabbed a quill and flipped to the nearest blank page.</p><p>And with that, the two of them lost themselves in the work. Their brains worked in tandem. He and Jade bounced ideas off each other, talking in a scientific babble that would sound like a secret language to passerby, finishing each other’s sentences. Their hands moved in a frenzy, filling the blanks in each other’s equations; he hardly even noticed when Jade’s hand brushed his leg under the table. A manic buzz fizzed in Dist’s chest like he had downed three glasses of ale. The sensation dulled as they became less and less certain, the high wearing off when they finally hit a wall.</p><p>Dist set his quill down. “Our brains are just as in sync as ever.”</p><p>“That’s a horrifying thought,” said Jade, but he looked energized, alive- something Peony could never understand. “We’ll crack this eventually. Tell me what else you’ve found out.”</p><p>He and Jade traded theories and made plans back and forth throughout the day- in the lab, in the hallways, in the mansion’s dining hall over lunch. They hardly talked about anything else, but that was how it had always been; you could have a whole conversation with Jade and discover, at the end, that you didn’t know him any better than when you started talking. Dist drew up plans for a fon machine. He didn’t realize it was late afternoon, the time they had agreed to stop, until Jade swept his notebooks into a pile and said, “Oh, before you leave.”</p><p>He withdrew a familiar slip of paper from his pocket. “Emperor Peony gave me a ticket to the Keterburg Spa.”</p><p>Dist took a moment to process this, and when he did, he felt heat rise to his cheeks. “You want us to go together?”</p><p>“Heavens, no. Fortunately, this is only for one. I’m offering it to you.”</p><p>“Really?” Why was he being so nice? Dist wanted any little reason to believe this was Jade’s way of making things up to him. That this was an olive branch he just needed to accept, and then things would heal between them.</p><p>“You seem like you could use it. You’ve gone through quite a bit of stress of late, no thanks to me. And I bet you enjoy them even more than I do.”</p><p>“There’s not a trap waiting for me at the spa, is there? An ambush? A spy?”</p><p>Jade turned serious. “I wouldn’t do that. We’re on the same side here. At least, I assume we are. You must have no ulterior motive, now that there’s no hope of reviving Professor Nebilim.”</p><p>Dist let that be his reason.</p><p>He took the ticket. “We are, I promise. In that case, thank you.”</p><p>“You’re welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><hr/><p>Jade watched the direction Dist left in to make sure he was going straight to the spa, then headed for Dist’s room. Taking the man’s room key hadn’t been hard. All Jade had to do was grab it under the table when he saw the edge sticking out of his pocket. In truth, he couldn’t be sure Dist didn’t have an ulterior motive.</p><p>The room was right next to Jade’s, and it shared the same phenomenally ugly carpet and abstract paintings that looked like swirls of fonons. It smelled of fruity cologne. The bedsheets were rumpled, caved in to make a Dist-shaped space, and the dresser at the bedside had a miniature robot that looked to be made of disassembled pieces of the radiator atop it.</p><p>Jade went to the dresser, skipping the first few drawers- he didn’t care to go through Dist’s clothes, even if they did contain a hint. The final one contained a library of fomicry texts and smutty romances. There were age-lined, crumpled brochures from years ago, advertising the traveling shows that often came to Keterburg; Dist had loved them, always tried to convince Jade to watch the dancers with him but never succeeded. Finally, Jade noticed the battered notebook he set out to find, the one he’d had since they were in military school. He tried to memorize its exact position so he knew where to put it back, then picked it up and flipped to the last updated page. The final entry was dated a year ago, before Dist resurrected Nebilim’s replica. Jade’s nerves settled. This was probably the best assurance he would get that Dist hadn’t continued research since. It made sense; although Dist had no vendetta against replicas, he didn’t share Jade’s drive for elevating society’s opinion of them.</p><p>Not wanting to disturb too many things inside the room, Jade started to put the notebook back, but a hot pink one under it caught his attention. Another one he recognized- the revenge journal. He should leave before Dist got back, but it looked so entertaining. Besides, the chance it would give him a hint if Dist was up to something couldn’t be <em>zero…</em></p><p>Jade opened it to the final page. An angry scrawl in Dist's already-scrawly handwriting speared through the pre-drawn lines on the paper like music notes on a score.</p><p>
  <em>Remday. My cellmate keeps stealing this journal from my drawer, reading these entries to his friends &amp; laughing. You won’t be laughing when you read this tomorrow, you worm, because I stole your face towel last night. Yes, the one you used this morning. It was not on my face.</em>
</p><p>Jade was already smiling as he paged backwards. Oh, yes, this was the best part of his day.</p><p>Dist’s time with the God-Generals had produced several entries. Apparently, Sync walked off while he was talking (this was accompanied by a cartoonish drawing of Sync getting speared through the face); Asch called him something that, probably for the better, he couldn’t decipher from the scribbled handwriting; and Largo sat on one of his miniature machines.</p><p>Jade’s name came up the most:</p><p>
  <em>Jade murdered Nebilim’s replica. He never appreciates what I do for him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jade arrested me. I’ll never forgive him. </em>
</p><p>He wasn’t always the subject of them, though:</p><p>
  <em>Largo called Jade a bastard. Only I get to do that!!!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Legretta says she shot Jade after I specifically told her she’s only allowed to rough him up.</em>
</p><p>It was a bit disturbing. Jade turned the page backwards, and his breath stuttered.</p><p>
  <em>That brat Luke destroyed my precious Kaiser Dist. </em>
</p><p>Jade brushed a hand over the name like he could pick it up. The motion had no logic to it, just instinct, like he wanted to feel something physical left of the boy. His glove smudged the words, snapping him out of it, and he cursed himself for being so careless.</p><p>Peony’s words floated in his head. <em>I know you’re not okay. </em>Ridiculous. He was having the night of his life. All good nights had to end, though.</p><p>As he replaced the journal, he noticed something bright red sticking out from underneath a thick fomicry book. He pulled out the plastic bag containing it, holding it up to the light. There were two locks of hair, one red and one green, curled around each other in a double helix. The same sheen as Luke’s hair and Sync’s hair.</p><p>Theoretically, you needed a whole body for an exact replica, but there were other ways. Dist hadn’t given up on fomicry after all. What the hell was he playing at? Why couldn’t he let this go? Jade stood, preparing to summon his spear. He’d be here when Dist came back, all right. He was in for another interrogation.</p><p>No. That wouldn’t do any good. Talking to Dist had never convinced him to give up in the past, and lashing out at him wouldn’t convince him to stay here. Much as he hated to admit it, Dist was right, no one else was so in sync with the way he worked or could build fon machines so well.</p><p>Instead, Jade went back to his room with the bag in his pocket, leaving the key in the lock so Dist might think he’d left it there accidentally.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Juicy analysis time: This chapter/song pairing is pretty straightforward as, well, these boys are liars. As I wrote it, though, the meaning expanded twofold- it's also about the lies they both tell themselves.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Send the Pain Below</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“I liked having hurt/<br/>So send the pain below where I need it.<br/>You used to beg me to take care of things/<br/>And smile at the thought of me failing.”</em>
</p><p>Much as she wished she didn’t, Nephry still felt uneasy around her brother. Not that he ever hurt her. In fact, when they were children, he protected her, keeping her away from the older kids who chucked snowballs at her and giving her his coat on the long, cold walks home. Jade hurt plenty of other people, though. Especially Saphir. Animals, too. She couldn’t shake the memory of coming upon him in the woods when she was six, grabbing a baby bird around the throat so quickly it had no time to shriek. That silence haunted her nightmares for years.</p><p>Their parents feared him, too. They realized early on that he was brilliant- he learned to read without them hardly having to teach him, tackling the most ambitious fonic science texts by eight years old- but their pride soon turned to worry. He didn’t like being held, and he never partook in the other children’s games. Eventually, they stopped trying to convince him to play with them or discipline him when he said insensitive things.</p><p>He had changed, but there was still something unpredictable about him, a sense that his calm exterior was breakable thin ice she could fall through any minute. The feeling tingled up Nephry’s spine when he visited her that morning before work. He sat in front of her at her desk. An outsider would think it normal, a brother wanting to catch up with the sister he hadn’t seen for months, but she suspected he wanted something from her.</p><p>“How did yesterday go?” she asked, feigning normalcy.</p><p>“Very well. I have a feeling we’re onto something good…” He described his workday for her.</p><p>Nephry smoothed her hands over her desk, avoiding meeting his eyes and hating herself for doing so. “I think it’s wonderful what you’re doing here, Jade.”</p><p>“It’s the least I can do. What people don’t understand, they fear. If we can at least get more information about them out into the public, show that they’re just like us, it might reduce that fear.”</p><p>Hearing the regret in his voice, she looked up, catching his amber gaze in hers. “And you’re doing it well.” </p><p>“Thank you.” She knew he took that as high praise. In childhood, he used her and Nebilim as models of how to behave and mimicked them- a thin imitation, but at least he tried.</p><p>“I only hope you’re being gentle with Saphir,” she said.</p><p>“Gentle? The man can survive anything.”</p><p>Was he being dense on purpose? Jade picked up on everything; he couldn’t be oblivious to how Saphir felt about him. It was the most obvious thing in the world. She had never seen someone so obsessed and for so long. The man wasn’t just tenacious in body, he was tenacious in mind, too. He always came back to Jade no matter what he said or did to him.</p><p>“In all seriousness, you have no need to worry,” Jade said. “He will cooperate better if we play nicely.” He leaned forward. “Actually, about that-”</p><p>The door behind her opened. Her assistant, Zoi, entered with a folder in her hands. Nephry’s gaze immediately went to the low cut of her green and red uniform, and she forced her gaze to climb up the ropes of blond hair spilling past her shoulders, landing to her face.</p><p>Zoi’s smirk said she noticed anyway. “Oh. I see you’re busy. I’ll just leave this here.” She set the folder down, giving Nephry an unexpected kiss on the lips.</p><p>Nephry blushed. “Zoi!”</p><p>The woman just flashed her one last glance and left.</p><p>Jade razored a mischievous smile at her. “I see you’ve had no trouble moving on."</p><p>"I wouldn't say no trouble." Nephry's marriage to Viscount Osborne had been crumbling since before the Score which bound them together did. Their relationship had always been more political than romantic. But once the Score was dismantled, it gave them an excuse to finally end things. Twisted rumors about them ricocheted around Keterburg for months. She was about to set Jade straight when she remembered he'd started to say something. “So? What were you telling me?”</p><p>“I suspect Dist may still be in pursuit of practicing fomicry on living beings. I found this in his room.” Jade pulled out a plastic bag and showed it to her. She understood immediately what he thought it meant.</p><p>“You snuck into in his room? Jade, that’s illegal.”</p><p>“You agreed to illegal activity when you set us up behind your mansion.”</p><p>“It’s not illegal. Just not suggested. And I put you up here because I thought you weren’t going to do anything illegal…”</p><p>“You should be pleased. I could have done much worse. I refrained from a forceful interrogation. Like I said, I need him to be cooperative. In lieu of that, I was hoping your intelligence division could keep tabs on him when I’m not, when possible.”</p><p>“Jade, this might not be what you think it is.”</p><p>“What else could it be?”</p><p>“I don’t know, but I think you should afford him a little more trust.”</p><p>“Nephry, he was a God-General. I think caution is warranted. You don’t want to chance more replicas being created, do you?” She could hear the question behind his words: Why did she trust Saphir more than her own brother?</p><p>It <em>was </em>irrational. At this point, Saphir was more unpredictable than he was, but she couldn’t help pitying him, couldn’t help seeing the little boy whose tears she brushed away. “I suppose. I’ll send someone when I can.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Jade stood. “I’d best be going.”</p><p>That was it? “Alright,” Nephry said. “And Jade?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>Her own question stuck in her throat, and she wondered if he could hear it in her silence, too: <em>Would you still come to see me if you didn’t want anything from me? </em>“You’re welcome to come back to visit whenever you have free time.”</p><p>Jade gave her the same look he used to when he put the coat around her shoulders, his approximation of tenderness. “Not to worry. I’ll be around so often you’ll get sick of me.”</p><hr/><p>Over the first week, Dist easily fell into the routine of working at the lab. The mornings were strangely intimate; he and Jade often ran into each other in mansion’s downstairs kitchen for breakfast, still shaking off last night’s sleep. He loved the hot minty scent of the tea Jade always made, loved how it fogged up his glasses when he drank from it. He got to see the day to day Jade who was somehow human, who needed snacks and bathroom breaks and didn’t always have the right answers. Sometimes, Jade was even friendly to him, and he started to think the ticket to the spa had been a truce document that he signed enthusiastically. Once, Sunflower escaped, and they laughed when they finally found him nesting inside an open gap in Dist’s unfinished machine; for once, he got the sense Jade was laughing with him and not at him. Sometimes, Jade would even walk him back to his room, and the soft shuffling noises from behind Jade’s walls lulled him to sleep.</p><p>He stumbled into the lab in the morning, nearly tripping on the yellow cheagle streaking past- he couldn’t tell them apart yet.</p><p>He looked to Jade, who was waiting for him at his desk. “You let them out?”</p><p>“They were getting restless in the cage.” Jade leaned on his hand in that annoyingly sexy way of his. “How did you sleep?”</p><p>Dist tried not to flinch, remembering his dream last night. Jade's hands knotted to the bedpost, the rope leaving red marks on his wrists. The valley beneath his ribs, the impossibly tiny waist and hard muscles under Dist's fingers. The vicious bites Dist left on his neck that made him start to whine and beg. The smack against his cheek, strong enough to draw tears, and Dist caught them on his fingertips, putting them against his lips and savoring the taste of saline. “Just fine.”</p><p>“Ah, perfect.”</p><p>Talking so cordially felt foreign. He used to like seeing the scars on Jade’s face when they fought, vengeance for the scars Jade gave him when they were children. In a twisted way, he was as addicted to Jade’s sharp remarks just as much as he was addicted to his praise. He liked how uncomplicated it felt to just talk to each other, not playing games.</p><p>Jade studied him. “Hmm. You normally never shut up. Now I can barely get anything out of you.”</p><p>“You’re the one I can’t get anything out of!”</p><p>“Is that so? Because it seems almost like there’s something you’re afraid you’ll say by mistake.”</p><p>Dist’s heart dropped. He was right. It was the same thing he’d been afraid he would say by mistake ever since childhood. How could he tell? Was it that obvious?</p><p>He got that sick feeling he always did when he knew Jade was leading him into a trap and enjoying it. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps I’m wrong.” Jade turned back to his work. So much for not playing games.</p><p>Dist had imagined the scenario a million different ways. In a million different realities, he made his confession in the falling snow, in the lab where they used to work side by side, sitting in his bedroom. All these different versions of Jade either shoved him in the snow or laughed at him or, in the most impossible of all these realities, said <em>“I love you, too.”</em></p><p>To distract himself, he set to putting the finishing touches on the fon machine. Crouched on the floor, he stuck his hands into its exposed stomach, connecting wires that spilled out like entrails, slicking his gloves with grease. Behind him, the motions of Jade’s hands moving across his notebook rippled the patterns of light reflecting off the metal.</p><p>After working for an hour or so, Sunflower- or perhaps Buttercup- ran in front of him, splashing through the grease puddle in front of him and breaking his concentration. Oily pawprints trailed in a path behind it, until it stopped by the other cheagle. The two of them wrestled in a white and yellow whirl, mewing playfully. He and Jade watched them until one pinned the other down, victorious.</p><p>“Is that the original?” Dist asked.</p><p>“It is,” said Jade.</p><p>Dist watched them run around in circles. “You know, Jade…originals being stronger than their replicas doesn’t help our case.”</p><p>“I don’t think it does.”</p><p>“But if their abilities are just a weaker copy of the original’s…”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean they don’t have a right to a separate identity.”</p><p>Dist dug his heels in. “Yes, but…”</p><p>“If you’re only here to convince me I’m wrong, it won’t work.”</p><p>“I’m not. It’s a criticism people are going to come at us with, which is why we have to come up with an answer to it. Jade, tell me- was Luke-”</p><p>Jade looked at him so sternly he felt like he’d been physically struck. “Don’t talk to me about Luke.”</p><p>The panic of Jade shutting him out closed over him, and he scrambled to save himself. “What- Jade, what did I do?”</p><p>“You have no right. You laid hands on him. You don’t get to talk to me about him, just like that.”</p><p>Dist’s breath caught. Talking around the fact had been like walking across a terribly built bridge, always poised for the moment it would break. That didn’t make the breaking any less a shock. “But if it could help our research-”</p><p>“Exactly. He was only research to you. Not a person. I knew him as a person, and I already know everything there is to know. Whatever you’re thinking is neither here nor there.”</p><p>“Jade, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”</p><p>“Of course you didn’t. You’re quite ignorant, aren’t you?”</p><p>Dist’s fear turned just as quickly into anger. “What is that supposed to mean?”</p><p>Jade’s expression cooled off, but he was already turning away. “Nothing. My apologies. From now on, let’s just…not talk about that subject, alright?”</p><p><em>But I want to be the person you talk about everything with. </em>“Alright.”</p><p>When he turned back, Jade was hunched over his desk like nothing had happened. </p><p>Dist watched him, trying to figure out what he’d done wrong. He realized Jade wasn’t writing- just staring into the wood, a blank expression on his face. Dist had only seen that look once before, when they lost Nebilim- the closest he could get to sadness. Now that he thought of it, he’d heard that phrase before from Jade, too. <em>Don’t talk to me about Nebilim. </em></p><p>Had he really cared about Luke that much? And <em>why? </em>The boy was a complete brat. How could this child Jade had known for such a short time elicit more emotion than Dist had ever gotten out of him?</p><p>An idea grasped him in its fist, wringing anything else out of his mind. He couldn’t revive Nebilim anymore, not unless he could gather the resources to use the memory method. But if he could get the next best thing…</p><p>This wouldn’t be easy. It wasn’t just scars he used to come home to his parents with. It was burns on his wrists from accidentally connecting incompatible wires and circles under his eyes from working long nights on a machine. Once they started working together for the first time, those long hours turned into longer ones, the minor burns into third degree. He had been willing to break anything in his body, work his mind to the limit, if the result made Jade smile again. He still was.</p><p>While Dist assembled the machine, he formulated a plan in his mind. When Jade left the room, he shoveled extra machine parts into his toolbox. At night, back in his room, he searched for the strands of replica hair in his drawers; when he was still an Oracle Knight, trying to study replicas, he took a sheaf of Luke’s hair on the ground after a battle and collected one of Sync’s off his pillow. He only threw them in his suitcase as an afterthought, but now it was so fortuitous, it could have been written in the Score.</p><p>He couldn’t remember where he put them, so he tore up his room looking for them. After an hour searching, he started to think he had remembered wrong and hadn’t brought them at all, and he gave up and collapsed in bed. Even if he couldn’t find them, there was a less desirable way to create a replica: the memory extraction method. Given, Dist’s memories of Luke were unreliable, clouded by time. Were he using Jade’s memories, he could create a much more accurate replica; he wished he could weed through Jade’s brain and yank out all the memories of Luke. He knew full well how dangerous the method was. His own memories of the first time they tried it would never leave him: lifting Jade's hair while the others changed the hospital sheets, tucking the sheets around him, holding his wrist to ensure he still felt a pulse.</p><p>But Dist wasn’t worried. He had survived much worse.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Analysis: Are these not the most relevant lyrics?? The theme of this chapter is really the toxic aspects of the Jade/Dist dynamic. They both seem to take joy in the other's pain at times, and in childhood Dist stuck around Jade even through all the verbal abuse...it's so complex and fascinating to me, I could go on and on about it hehe.</p><p>Also wanted to mention, the machine Dist makes reference to appears in the spinoff comic Jade's Secret Memories in case you haven't read it, I highly recommend it because it goes deeper into the Keterburg crew's past! But you don't need any knowledge of it in order to understand what's going on here besides that, in short, its purpose is to create replicas through your memories of that person. </p><p>Finally, about Zoi- I kept with the gem theme, her name and design are based on zoisite! We'll be seeing more of her later.</p><p>We're about to get into the Everything Goes To Shit chapters so get ready :) :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Closure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Two-sided time,<br/>Your rebirth can’t hurt,<br/>Branch out behind the pain.<br/>Closure has come to me myself,<br/>You will never belong to me.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Every night, long after Jade’s room fell silent, Dist stayed awake, pillaging his old notes and constructing the same fon machine he once made years ago. The machine grew from a scrap pile strewn across his floor to a headless, limbless beast. It became a vicious cycle; he had to drag himself out of bed each morning for work, exhausted, his mind stumbling over simple equations. But if he tried to sleep at a reasonable hour, he only felt guilty that he wasn’t working on the machine. It gave him a sense of purpose he hadn’t felt since Nebilim’s second replica died.</p><p>Time blurred into itself like this, uninterrupted, until the day the letter arrived.</p><p>He and Jade were gathered around Dist’s desk, going through his notebook, when a carrier pigeon tapped at the big window in front of them.</p><p>“You didn’t give anyone this address, did you?” Jade asked.</p><p>“Of course not,” said Dist.</p><p>Jade slid the window open, letting the gray bird perch on his arm. “Why, thank you.” It spit the envelope into his hand and fluttered onto the desk, hopping on Dist’s notebook.</p><p>Jade held the envelope up to the light. “Oh, it’s for you. Who could possibly be writing to you?”</p><p>Dist gave him a smoldering look, but he was wondering the same thing. His parents never spoke to him but once a year, and the Order of Lorelei wanted nothing to do with him anymore. “Give that to me.”</p><p>“Oh, dear, it’s from Peony,” said Jade. "I believe I know what he's going to ask."</p><p>He picked at the seal, trying to open it without tearing the contents. “What? Is there something you two have been conspiring about behind my back?”</p><p>“I haven’t been in on any of his conspiring.”</p><p>With a frustrated trill, the pigeon jumped on Dist’s arm and swiftly pried the letter open with its beak. Shooing it away, he pulled the letter out- and gasped. Although he hadn’t seen one in years, he recognized it immediately: an invitation to the Grand Chokmah Banquet.</p><p>“I was right,” Jade said.</p><p>Dist wasn't listening. Peony hadn’t sent him an invitation since he joined the Order of Lorelei, and he daydreamed about it ever since- maybe now that he had left, Peony was also extending an olive branch to him. He didn’t care about seeing Peony. The banquet itself, though, contained some of his best memories: Feeling truly gorgeous in a shimmery purple suit, other men asking him to dance. Spinning under their hands with the overhead chandelier lights in his eyes, making him wonderfully dizzy. The thrill of a stranger’s body against his, the fizz of sweet wine in his chest.</p><p>“Are you going this year?” Dist asked. Not that the answer would change his mind. He was already daydreaming about what he would wear, about locking eyes with the perfect outfit in the market, about dancing again. But not only did Dist miss the banquet; he missed watching Jade dance, even when it was with a strange woman. That was when Jade was his most beautiful- the way he moved was captivating, and he seemed almost happy. Dist’s eyes always followed him around the room over his partner’s shoulder, hoping Jade would look over and- what? Be jealous? See how well Dist was doing without him?</p><p>“Peony has succeeded yet again into blackmailing me into it,” said Jade.</p><p>“We’ll be going together, then?” said Dist, immediately wishing he could untangle his unintentional wording. Of course he wasn’t asking Jade to come <em>with </em>him. That would never happen. He just wanted to walk in together, to be by his side all night, to laugh with him, for everyone to see them and think, <em>Look at them. They’re perfectly in sync.</em></p><p>"I suppose we'll have to travel together, yes."</p><p>"You won’t ignore me all night like before, will you?”</p><p>“Ignore you? It seems we remember things differently. You always seemed to be having quite a bit of fun on your own.”</p><p>He perked up. Had Jade really been paying attention to him?</p><p>Impatient, the pigeon chirruped.</p><p>“Shut up, you vermin.” Dist ripped a page out of his notebook and scribbled his reply: <em>Fine. Save a space for me. </em>The pigeon snatched the paper in its beak, jumping onto the windowsill.</p><p>Jade held a finger out to the bird. “Remember, this secret stays between us.” The pigeon cocked its head at him blankly and flew off, and he shut the window.</p><p>Dist tilted his gaze up to Jade’s. “It’s been such a long time since we danced, hasn’t it?”</p><p>He and Jade never danced together at the banquet, only in the basement of Nebilim’s schoolhouse, where they first learned. Some of his best memories belonged there, too. Nebilim always paired him with Jade. “You compliment each other perfectly,” she always said, but probably, in hindsight, she saw how much Dist cared for him and decided to pull some strings. They <em>did</em> complement each other, though. Back then, Jade neglected to think of dancing as an art; he approached it methodically, his steps and turns stiff and precise. In contrast, Dist danced with his heart, his body waving in fluid motions, reacting to the plaintive, beautiful fonic hymns they coordinated their steps to. They matched each other in talent, too. Dist was the only person who Jade couldn’t complain about stepping on his toes. Without yet understanding why, he longed for those moments with Jade’s body so close to his, the electricity circuiting around his waist when Jade put his hands on it.</p><p>As always, though, Jade wasn’t thinking of them, only himself. “Yes, it’s been a whole year for me. I’ll be rusty.”</p><p>For Dist, it had been longer, since his last banquet. Not that he didn’t think about it. He still daydreamed about the traveling shows that came through Keterburg when he was a child. He used to attended every one his parents could afford, entranced by their fluffy costumes, how they pretzeled their bodies into unattainable shapes, how they could close their eyes for a leap and land perfectly.</p><p>“Do you want to go dress shopping soon?” Dist said.</p><p>“It’s quite a time away,” Jade said.</p><p>“Only-” Dist counted on his fingers. “Four months! Not even that!”</p><p>“Let’s focus on social justice first.” Jade went back to going through Dist’s notebook,</p><p>“Fine…” Dist looked over his shoulder, trying to make out the words and symbols underneath the pigeon’s footprints.</p><p>Jade pointed to a squiggle in a hastily drawn diagram. “What’s this?”</p><p>“Jade, you imbecile, that’s the lever…” Dist glanced towards the machine, something sparking in his brain.</p><p>“I’m not the one who draws at a kindergarten level.”</p><p>Dist was too focused to process the insult. “That’s it!” He scrambled to the machine and reached into its underbelly, disconnecting entwined wires and finding them new matches, finally sliding a metal plate over the opening, screwing it in.</p><p>He turned the level, and the machine purred, vibrating against his hand. Watching a machine come to life was his favorite part of the process. It felt like being a god. He let out a triumphant laugh.</p><p>“Success?” Jade said behind him.</p><p>Dist turned pushed the lever back down, shutting it off, and stood up, stroking the metal hood. “Yes! Look at this!”</p><p>“I can’t fathom how you figured it out from <em>this</em>…” Jade set the notebook down and joined him beside the machine. “How does this thing work?”</p><p>Dist fluttered around it, excitedly showing him the different switches and pulleys, explaining what did what. Jade perked up, too, in his own subdued way, firing questions at him.</p><p>“Well, it’s certainly complicated,” Jade said.</p><p>Dist beamed. It was as close to praise as he would get from Jade.</p><p>“What about this one?” Jade pointed to a button he had skipped over in his hurry.</p><p>“That’s-”</p><p>At the same time Dist reached for it, Jade did too, and their hands brushed.</p><p>A tingle shot down Dist’s spine like it was a lightning rod, making him startle and draw his hand back before he could control the reaction.</p><p>A playful look sparked in Jade’s eyes. “Oh? Can you not bear to touch uncivilized scum like me?”</p><p>Dist felt himself blush. “That’s not…”</p><p>Jade nipped the fingertip of his right glove in between his teeth, pulling it off. Dist fixated on the milky skin, the delicate blue veins that proved, somehow, that he was human. Jade balanced his bare finger under Dist’s chin, and for a moment, he was back in his dream.</p><p>“Do I really disgust you that much?” said Jade.</p><p>Dist jerked away, the bliss of Jade touching him warring with his hatred of being mocked. “It’s not that-please-”</p><p>Jade threaded an arm around his back, grabbed his hand, and dipped him backwards. It was no hard feat- Dist’s limbs were melted into jelly, and his body moved easily as a marionette’s.</p><p>Jade wasn’t rusty at all.</p><p>Every fonon in Dist’s body hummed, alive. He wanted Jade to keep touching him, but he also felt like he was being tortured again, deprived of the one thing he wanted most.</p><p>Jade bent him farther backwards, and his spine felt like a stick about to break. “Isn’t it terrifying, having these devil child eyes staring at you?”</p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with your eyes,” Dist snapped. He hated when people threw that title at Jade. Hated hearing Jade say it so casually now. “They’re…” <em>They’re beautiful. </em>He cut himself short of saying it.</p><p>“Don’t be afraid, tell me what you really think.” Their noses hovered inches apart, Jade’s hair curtaining the sides of his face. “Hmm? Isn’t this just revolting?”</p><p>Dist’s annoyance boiled over. <em>You want the real answer? Fine!</em></p><p>He leaned in, but his ferocity melted into gentleness when his nose touched Jade’s skin, his lips brushing Jade’s.</p><p>Jade dropped his hand, removing the hand on his back. Dist stumbled, whipping himself upright to avoid falling backwards, and the world whirled around him, disorienting him, the reality of what he had done making him sick. He looked away, hugging his elbows, mind spinning so fast he barely noticed the silence. What the hell had he been thinking? He hadn’t, that was the problem. The thing that should have taken all his courage had happened in an instant, on impulse.</p><p>Gathering his courage, Dist looked up. For a brief second, Jade looked a bit stunned and uncomfortable, and Dist realized with amazement that he hadn’t seen it coming either. Whatever he expected Dist to do in retaliation, it wasn’t that. It was probably the first time he had been kissed, and likely the last- Dist allowed himself a moment of triumph for that. He could even see a tiny flicker of his purple lipstick on Jade’s lips.</p><p>Jade masked his uncertainty with an amused expression, but it didn’t make Dist feel any better- he knew he was being shut out again. “I’m impressed. I concede. You’ve succeeded in staving me off.”</p><p><em>I’m sorry,</em> he wanted to say. He should be angry at Jade for being such a cold bastard, but he was only upset at himself for being so impulsive. It hadn’t been the right moment- no, the right moment was never. Trying to kiss Jade had been another lie. It was shallow. It didn’t communicate the depth of what he felt.</p><p>Now Jade was offering him an easy way out, a way to pretend nothing happened, and he took it, brushing off his shoulders. “You’d better not do anything like that again.” Dist’s voice broke, and he turned away again to hide the tears, trying to blink his eyes clear. Years ago, he vowed to never cry in front of Jade again- he couldn’t let Jade see him as the same pathetic kid he once was. He got used to shoving everything down, used to pretending that inconsequential moments didn’t take up hours of headspace. Every time he got a reminder that Jade didn’t feel the same way about him, it felt like he was learning it for the first time, like something ended even though it never started, and his heart broke all over again. He realized that he had been collecting tiny hints and filing them away in a secluded corner of his brain- the spa ticket, the times Jade smiled at him- and connected the dots into a constellation that had no shape in the end, and he couldn’t believe he had been so foolish to think that Jade could ever have a hint of feelings for him.</p><p>“Noted,” Jade said. </p><p>Dist took several deep breaths until he was sure he could speak steadily, and then he turned around. “Where did we leave off?”</p><p>Jade visibly relaxed, no doubt glad Dist wasn’t pursuing territory he didn’t want to enter.</p><hr/><p>That night, Dist went back to working on his own machine. His hands worked in a fury, working off the high of the bittersweet bliss of Jade’s lips against his, their faces touching, Jade’s hair on his skin, ignoring that except for that short interlude, Jade's expression hadn't changed. He got the strangest sense someone was watching him, but he brushed it off as unfounded paranoia that he would get caught.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The song meaning for this one is pretty obvious so all I really have to say is that getting to pair one of my favorite chapters to write with one of my favorite songs on this album was a blessing.</p><p>On a lighter note, out of all the OCs that have sprung out of this project, I think the sassy carrier pigeon might be my favorite!</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Monday! Before we jump into the sad, let's have some happy...this incredible fanart we got for Chapter 4 by @theholeyness on Tumblr pictured below!! </p><p>askdlj;kj;g look how lovely??? I cannot stop staring at it?? I am so honored???</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>“They say freak/<br/>When you're singled out/<br/>The red, well it filters through.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>As Jade walked back to his room, the artificial tang of Dist’s plum lipstick lingered in his mouth. Not much could have gotten on him- he didn’t see it when he looked in the mirror- but the taste wouldn’t go away, a constant reminder of what had just happened.</p><p>Technically, he supposed, this counted as the sacred, transcendent first kiss his childhood classmates were so obsessed with. He had never been interested, and he could now confirm that he hadn’t missed much. It hadn’t been sacred or transcendent. It hadn’t felt good or bad- it hadn’t felt much like anything. Although he could blame that on Dist, he suspected anyone else would have the same effect on him. He’d never felt anything towards anyone, and no one ever made advances towards him. Sure, at Peony’s banquets, women who didn’t know his reputation asked him to dance, but their interest normally went away once one of two things happened. One, he started talking. Two, they moved out of the dark and saw his unnatural red eyes. The fact that Dist could still feel something for him after experiencing both those things meant he had horrible taste.</p><p>Sometimes, though, he questioned whether he had pegged those feelings correctly. His hatred for Jade seemed to run as deeply as his…obsession. Dist was usually an open book, but this one thing still confused him. He didn’t care to think too hard about it, though. That got too disturbing. Instead, he focused on the utility of Dist’s feelings for him; he could always count on Dist following him around, doing his bidding.</p><p>He paused in front of Dist’s door. The light was still on, the walls doing nothing to suppress the metallic clanking sounds that kept Jade awake each night. Every morning, Dist came to work rubbing sleep from his eyes.</p><p>The taste of lipstick in his mouth turned sour and venomous. In his room, he went straight to the sink to wash it out. As he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, he tried to drown out the sounds from next door, stifling them with a memory.</p><p>Often, Jade would sit with Nebilim after class. This was, on his end, because he wanted to ask her questions about fonic science that most other adults couldn’t answer. On her end (at least, he could only speculate) she liked answering his questions- and she wanted to keep him out of trouble. Just the week before, he abused the fourth fonon and unintentionally flooded the boys’ room, and she gave him quite a talking to. Most of the time, Saphir tagged along with them, clinging to Nebilim’s hand, but that day, he was home with a cold. Jade couldn’t remember what they were talking about that day, but he did remember the iridescent green dragonfly crawling on the windowsill. Nebilim captured it in a glass jar and capped it- then paused, watching it.</p><p>“What is it?” Jade asked.</p><p>“It’s just very lovely.” Nebilim set the jar on the sill so it was at his eye level. “Sometimes I forget that. It seems so simple, but it’s incredible, all the parts working together to create life. It has tiny organs in there. Its heart is beating. Its eyes are seeing. Every life matters, Jade. Even little ones like this.”</p><p>At the time, Jade thought that for all her intelligence, this was a ridiculous thing to say. He watched the dragonfly crawl slowly up the side of the jar, not seeming afraid or bothered to get out. “It’s going to die in there if you don’t take it out soon,” he said. “It’s not getting a source of third fonons.”</p><p>Nebilim giggled. Surely she had expected that reaction; she knew nothing she said could change the way his brain was wired- tightly, everything interconnected, without room for empathy. But she had noticed the tiny tangled masses of wires that were just loose enough to come undone. “Alright, Jade,” she said, opening the window and unscrewing the cap. The dragonfly kept crawling lazily, unaware that it was free. Nebilim laughed again and shook the jar, prompting the dragonfly to slide down the side and catch the breeze, flying away.</p><p>To be fair, Jade didn’t rescue the insects he found trapped inside, and he still laughed when he saw bugs killed in unfortunate ways. But he understood Nebilim’s words a bit more now.</p><p>Saphir being there that day wouldn’t have changed anything. But still, Saphir wasn’t awake right now trying to remind himself why everything mattered. He was awake ignoring that anything else mattered.</p><hr/><p>The next morning, Nephry caught him in the hallway.</p><p>“Jade?” Concern laced her voice. “Will you come to my office? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”</p><p>“Of course.” Jade glanced at Dist’s door again with a sick feeling that he already knew what she had to say.</p><p>Once they got to her office, her assistant Zoi was already there, perched on the edge of her desk.</p><p>“Zoi, I swear…” Nephry said.</p><p>“Oh.” Zoi got up. “My apologies. I expected you to come back alone.” She gave Jade quite a scathing look before she left. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve it.</p><p>Nephry sat down, smoothing her hands over the desk nervously, hesitating.</p><p>Jade stayed standing. “So? What is it?”</p><p>Nephry swept  her hands into her lap. “My intelligence division saw Dist working on a fon machine in his room. From what they’ve described, it looked like the one that almost…the one that injured you.”</p><p><em>The one that almost killed you</em>, she meant. The experiment meant to extract his memories of Nebilim went horribly wrong. His first lucid memory after it happened was sitting up in a hospital bed, feeling worse than he had in his entire life, covered in bloody bandages and connected to wires. His first thought was, <em>Oh. It didn’t work. </em>Not <em>I could have died. </em>That didn’t even register until the others showed their concern for him, and he couldn’t understand why they were so concerned. It didn’t scare him at all. That was when he fully understood there was a piece of him missing that everyone else had. He used to see it as something that made him superior to other people, but now he knew there was something broken in him that could never be fixed. It was the piece that felt a stirring in their heart when they watched people dance or wanted to cry when someone hurt them or got a shock when they cut their arm.</p><p>He could feel it slipping farther and farther away from him now.</p><p>“Jade, I’m sorry,” Nephry said. “You were right.”</p><p>“Told you so,” he said, although he didn’t feel like teasing her. “Well, I guess I’d better tell him off.”</p><p>Nephry stood up, authoritative. She only got that way when protecting someone. “No, let me talk to him.”</p><p>Her kind words were more than Dist deserved. “It isn’t fair to involve you in this,” Jade said.</p><p>“I don’t mind. It won’t take much. I’ll speak with him, and I’ll have everything under suspicion removed from his room…”</p><p>“Really, Nephry, you can’t think you’ll convince him of anything.” He didn’t mean to sound patronizing. Talking with her felt like speaking to an equal. His parents regarded him as the genius in the family, but Nephry was brilliant too.</p><p>“And you think- I’m sorry, I mean no offense by this, but- you think you will?”</p><p>“Of course not. At this point, I don’t know what could.”</p><p>“Then why you?”</p><p>“It would mean more coming from the source, at least. Anybody else’s opinion he could brush off as conjecture.”</p><p>Nephry’s sigh meant she knew he was right.</p><p>“Why don’t you remove the machine parts while I’m speaking with him? After this, we’ll have to put him under stricter surveillance. Otherwise, he’ll try again. He always does.”</p><p>Nephry examined him as if trying to see inside his brain, dissect his thoughts. Find some way to make him give in. Her search came up fruitless; they both knew nothing could stop him when he had his mind set on something. “Alright, Jade. You’re right, it would mean more coming from you. Just don’t do anything rash.”</p><p>“I won’t. Believe me, I’ve thought this to death.”</p><p>As Jade walked downstairs, he censored the harsh words that had been floating around in his head for days. He had filed their harsh edges down perfectly by the time he got to the lab’s door.</p><p>Through the tiny square windowpane, he saw Saphir going through his drawers, flipping through his notebooks rapidly, knowing he could be caught any moment. In that small glimpse, Jade couldn’t see his childhood friend. He only saw a pathetic man playing at being a god, thinking he could toy with human lives. He thought of Luke, who had the control snatched from his hands because of people like that. And all the other thoughts went out of his head.</p><hr/><p>Dist sifted through Jade’s drawer, finding nothing related to Luke. No surprise- Jade had never kept sentimental objects as long as Dist knew him, his pockets always empty and his childhood room austere. He probably wanted to forget Luke the same way he had Nebilim.</p><p>Hearing the door open, Dist slammed the drawer shut, realizing too late that he still had a stolen Gald coin in his hand. He closed his fist around it and scurried away from the desk, preparing to say good morning and smile and pretend like he hadn’t been scrounging through Jade’s belongings, that he didn’t have a million feelings about what happened yesterday. But the blank look in Jade’s eyes fastened the words to his tongue and his feet to the floor as Jade walked up to him, grabbing his wrist.</p><p>Every time Jade seized him before, he hadn’t been truly angry, just annoyed or even amused, but the vicious grip Jade had on his wrist told him this was different. Jade pried his fingers apart, the coin dropping to the floor.</p><p>“Jade, I’m sorry, it isn’t what you think…I wasn’t trying to steal from you…I was…” Dist cycled through plausible explanations in his head.</p><p>Jade’s grip on Dist’s wrist tightened, and even amidst all the confusion, he found himself embarrassed that Jade could feel his hammering pulse. “What am I thinking, Saphir? That you’re trying to replicate Luke?”</p><p>His breath caught, his worst fears confirmed. Jade couldn’t find out now, not before he even started. “What? No, that’s not-”</p><p>“What else could you be doing with a lock of his hair, then? Enlighten me.”</p><p>Sickness boiled in his stomach. He hadn’t forgotten to bring the strands of hair at all. “You were in my room?”</p><p>“You don’t think I was going to trust you so easily, did you?”</p><p>It was hard to look into eyes that were beaconing such deep loathing, but Dist tried to match it with his own glare. “Why have me here, then, if you don’t trust me?”</p><p>“I wanted to at least give you a second chance,” Jade said. “But I suppose not everyone is capable of bettering themselves.”</p><p>Dist’s nose started to run, and he smoothed his free hand underneath it. “What does <em>that </em>mean?”</p><p>“What was the purpose of this, anyway?”</p><p>Dist saw no point in trying to lie anymore. “I wasn’t planning to do it when I got here. I promise. But then I saw the way you reacted when we talked about Luke, and I thought if you could see him again, then you’d be happier.”</p><p>“Oh? Did you think I was <em>happy</em> when I saw that…that <em>thing</em> that was Nebilim’s replica?”</p><p>“It wasn’t an exact replica! I just needed time to perfect it. If you got to see the real her, you would have understood.”</p><p>“An exact replica is not possible. You can’t replace a person. But you don’t understand that, do you? You’ve never grown out of this ridiculous fantasy. You want some paradise with only me, you, and Nebilim in it, and anybody else is worthless to you. You’re just like Mohs and his Score.”</p><p>“Do not compare me to that man!”</p><p>“Then stop acting like him.”</p><p>Why did Jade have to talk to him like he was a child throwing a fit? “Then why don’t you stop trying to just forget every bad thing that’s ever happened to you?”</p><p>“I haven’t forgotten anything. I have faced it and made peace with it. And you haven’t.”</p><p>“Because I don’t have to! It isn’t over!”</p><p>“Why do I even try to reason with you? I’m not having this same conversation with you again.” Jade shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, in any case. Nephry is already removing the machine from your possession.”</p><p>“What? No!” Dist’s pulse raged harder, and Jade pushed his finger down on top of it as if trying to hold down a struggling, rabid animal. “Please, Jade, just let me explain- ah!” He cut off with a whimper as Jade’s fingernail dug deeper into his skin, drawing blood.</p><p>Jade looked down, seeming to become aware of what he was doing for the first time. Sighing, he let go and lifted the corner of his sleeve, wiping off the tiny sliver of a cut. Dist stared into the tiny red stain on his blue uniform.</p><p>“Saphir.” Jade’s voice was quieter, but it carried no less intensity. “You will not do this to me again. You will not put me through this again.”</p><p>Dist’s gaze traveled up to his eyes, and they looked more human than they ever had, because there was a nearly indiscernible hint of pain in them. He had to be imagining it, only making it up because he wanted it to be there; nothing he could do could hurt Jade any deeper than the skin, with anything more than scars. Once, he daydreamed about hurting Jade the same way he’d been hurt countless times, and now that it had happened, he was desperate to undo it. To say, <em>Yes, I promise.</em> To say, <em>I’m sorry. </em>Anything to make it go away. But that was how it always ended, wasn’t it? He apologized for something that wasn’t his fault, and then Jade had the upper hand again. He spent years putting his life at risk for Jade and got nothing in return. Years in childhood being other peoples’ target, of fearing Jade’s cold red stare. He didn’t want to be that person anymore.</p><p>Dist tilted his chin up. “Or what? What will you do to me then?”</p><p>“You have no need to be afraid. Even a life as pathetic as yours still matters, I suppose.”</p><p>Dist dug his fingernails into his palm, trying not to let it show how much that comment stung. “I’m not afraid, and that doesn’t answer me.”</p><p>“I will never speak to you again.”</p><p>“But you need me here. You could have chosen anyone, and you chose me. You wouldn’t kick me out.”</p><p>“Are you so sure of that?” Jade asked.</p><p>Dist wasn’t- and he hated how much that scared him. His hand relaxed. “Jade, just listen to me…”</p><p>“Why should I, if you won’t listen to me?” Jade turned away. “Make your decision by tomorrow morning. I can’t afford to lose time.”</p><p>Dist gathered more words, but a tightness in his throat closed over them, his eyes welling up. He tried to swipe the tears away, but they kept rolling hot and fast, and there was no way to stop them. Holding his breath so Jade couldn’t hear him sob, he ran out.</p><p>The hallways were mercifully empty, but his room was filled with strangers, who were calling out to each other and gathering pieces of his disassembled machine- round bearings on a woman’s finger like oversized rings, sharp-toothed splines piles in a man’s arms, hours of work undone in instants. Dist wanted to snatch them away, but what good would that do? He had no power over them.</p><p>He didn’t notice Nephry until she pushed through the crowd to get to him. “Saphir, thank Yulia, you’re okay.”</p><p>No, nothing was okay. And Nephry. She was supposed to be on his side. She didn’t have to listen to what Jade told her to do; she had control over what happened in this town. He prepared to yell at her, but then she put an arm around his shoulder, and he found himself leaning into her, letting her pull him close.</p><p>“Come on,” Nephry said. “Let’s sit in my office.”</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Wonder What's Next</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! Quick heads up that now that we are at the end of Side A, and I'm going on a short hiatus for 3ish weeks while I go back to university (gonna get that counseling degree folks!!) and get ahead with planning and drafting Side B! I just have to say I am truly amazed and touched by the support I have gotten for this fic?? It means so much to me that people are invested in a story that makes me so happy to write, so thank you &lt;3 </p><p>Also, if you've seen Community, let's play Where's Waldo...can you spot the Community quote in this chapter? I couldn't resist ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>“It sometimes feels like a burden/<br/>I want to succeed</em>
  <em>”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The first time Saphir spoke to Jade, he was sitting alone at the lunch table with breadcrumbs from his sandwich sprinkled in between the tiny machine parts he was assembling. The finished product was supposed to be a replica of the machine Professor Nebilim showed them in the class period before. While she talked, Saphir’s hands ached to take it apart and reassemble it into something different. Nebilim, who seemed to already have a soft spot for him, saw him staring at it and gave it to him after class.</p><p>He must have been succeeding in fixing it, because Jade came up to him and said, “May I see that?”</p><p>Saphir flinched. He tried to avoid Jade, sitting at the opposite side of the classroom and ducking around corners whenever he saw him coming. With his sharp gaze and sharper comments, he acted like the sort who used to tease Saphir- plus he hung out with that brat Peony, who always giggled whenever Jade said something rude. At the same time, though, Jade intrigued him. He spoke so formally he could be an adult, and he got every question Nebilim asked him right.</p><p>“Um…” Instinctively, Saphir put his arms around the machine to protect it.</p><p>“I only want to see it.” To prove his point, Jade sat in front of him a safe distance away and put his hands in his lap, that sharp gaze turned on Saphir. His eyes were brown back then, with small sparks of amber, like a hint of the future when amber would completely overtake them.</p><p>Not knowing what Jade would do if he refused, Saphir put his hands in his lap too, fidgeting with them while Jade turned his head to look at the different levers and switches. Having someone sit by him made his brain short-circuit, and he wasn’t sure what to say or do.</p><p>Jade leaned back. “What are you going to use this for?”</p><p>“Use it for? Nothing,” said Saphir. “I just like making machines.”</p><p>“Will it be functional, then?”</p><p>“I dunno.”</p><p>“Why make a machine with no purpose?”</p><p>“Because they’re pretty?”</p><p>“I don’t see how that does any good.” Jade considered. “This is surprisingly well-made. It looks like it <em>could</em> work.”</p><p>Saphir perked up, overwhelmed to have the most intelligent person in the class compliment him. Jade actually had a nice voice, despite its callousness. “Thank you!”</p><p>Jade didn’t smile back. “I see your value now.” He looked at the machine again. “Saphir, right? Would you be interested in making one of these for me?”</p><hr/><p>What would have happened if Dist said no that day? How could he have said anything else, when Jade looked at him like that? He couldn’t imagine a different path without Jade in it, but he was certain it wouldn’t end with him crying in Nephry’s arms on the floor of her office.</p><p>It was easy and uncomplicated, as things with Nephry always were. She just sat him down and pulled him against her, stroking his back. (Another woman walked in on them and seemed quite jealous, but Nephry shooed her away.) He couldn’t imagine how awful he looked. Normally he wouldn’t let anybody see him like this, but he had no energy to drag himself away. Nor the energy to think, which was okay, because his decision had been made from the moment he saw Jade’s eyes. It was a decision he had made over and over but could never trust himself to follow through on, but now, it had to be permanent.</p><p>When he finally let go of her, she brushed away the strands of hair that tears had stuck to his cheeks, and he asked, “Will you help me pack my bags?”</p><p>Sure, he couldn’t imagine his life without Jade in it, but maybe it was time to try.</p><p>Part of what made him so certain was that nothing felt real, even an hour later, as he was balling his clothes and throwing them in his suitcase with his last vestiges of resurged manic energy. As long as he could stay angry, he was safe from feeling the terrible shame that he had done something truly horrible to Jade.</p><p>He didn’t know where he was going, and he didn’t care, as long as it was <em>away</em>. He figured he would follow the trains until they stopped somewhere that felt right. Maybe he would end up somewhere sunny, like his parents. Maybe he would go to Malkuth and rat Jade out to Peony. Maybe he would run away with a traveling show like he used to daydream about in childhood, and everyone would see his name in the papers and think, <em>Damn. I shouldn’t have gotten on his bad side. </em></p><p>“I hear Engeve is nice this time of year,” Nephry said, as if they were discussing dinner options and not where he was going to restart his life.</p><p>“Too boring,” said Dist.</p><p>She picked up the crumpled sweater he had just tossed and made a pristine origami square out of it, fitting it into a nook in the suitcase like a matching puzzle piece. “Belkend? It’s full of fon machines.”</p><p>“You seem eager to get rid of me.”</p><p>“Oh, Saphir, that’s not it,” Nephry said. “I’m just happy for you. I think you’re making the right decision.”</p><p>He picked up the revenge journal, riddled with Jade’s name on nearly every page, and slammed it down into another open suitcase. The loud smack satisfied him. “Exactly. Who knows, maybe someday I <em>will</em> get the chance to make a perfect replica.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean <em>that</em>,” she said carefully.</p><p>Dist huffed. “I cannot believe you’re taking his side.”</p><p>“There are no sides. I only want what’s best for everyone.” Nephry smoothed out his shirts with the same care that she would with her own child’s laundry.</p><p>“How do you know what’s best for me?”      </p><p>“I guess I don’t. You aren’t Jade, either, are you? How can you make these decisions for him?”</p><p>“I don’t understand what you’re going on about. It sounds like you’re trying to convince me to stay.”</p><p>“I’m not. I just thought I owed it to you to be honest to you.”</p><p>Dist threw a fomicry text down on top of the revenge journal, letting the violent sound stand in for a decent response. “What did you mean by ‘right decision,’ then?”</p><p>“Getting away from Jade,” Nephry said.   </p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Do you still want me to be honest?”</p><p>“If you have to ask that? Yes.”</p><p>“Because you can do so much better than him!”</p><p>Dist stopped in the middle of reaching for another book.</p><p>Nephry covered her mouth. “Oh, Yulia. Don’t tell him I said that.”</p><p>Dist burst out laughing, and Nephry joined in.</p><p>“You’re right,” Dist said. “I <em>can</em> do better. I mean, what a winning personality.”</p><p>“The emotional intelligence of a rappig.” Nephry covered her mouth again, this time hiding a smirk.</p><p>Dist giggled. The next book landed in the suitcase much quieter.</p><p>“Tell you what,” Nephry said. “Let’s try to get packed within an hour. I’ll have you at the train station by tonight.”</p><p>“Tonight?” said Dist. “I don’t have to decide until tomorrow.”</p><p>“You’ve already made your decision, haven’t you? It’ll be easier if you don’t see him again. You won’t have to say goodbye.”</p><p>The panic flaring in Dist’s stomach told him that he hadn’t been so certain after all. He wanted more time to talk himself into staying. The idea of living without him wasn’t just unimaginable. It was terrifying.</p><p>He pushed it down.</p><p>“You’re right,” he said. “The sooner, the better. I can have all the men I want!”</p><hr/><p>The bartender flinched when he saw Jade’s eyes. Either he knew the stories about Keterburg’s devil child, or red eyes were just universally scary. Jade didn’t care to ask.</p><p>“One dark ale, please.” He slid gald coins across the counter.</p><p>The bartender domed his hand over the gald, studying him as if trying to find something threatening or out-of-place about him so he could deny service. There was nothing to see; Jade looked perfectly groomed, forcing his most charming smile.</p><p>“Right away, sir.” Pocketing the gald, the bartender turned back to the tap. Inky alcohol slushed into the mug, piling with foam. He set it on the counter and retreated before Jade could thank him.</p><p>Jade swigged from the mug, the warm ale corroding the hard knots in his throat. He certainly deserved this drink. It wasn’t anger he wanted to drown anymore, though. It was his own stupidity and the invaded, laid-bare feeling crawling across his skin. “Erratic and dangerous,” was that what Peony called him? Wrong again. He hadn’t hurt Saphir. He had practically handed Saphir the way to hurt him the most. <em>You will not put me through this again. </em>How could he be careless enough to say that?</p><p>At least he didn’t have to worry about seeing Saphir here. He wouldn’t think to come here. He associated alcohol with good times, dances and celebrations. Jade associated them with bad times, nights before going to war and nights when the memories became too much. And hopefully, he would never see Saphir again after tomorrow. The only things he would miss were his talent with fon machines and how fun he was to tease; Jade always got a reaction out of him.</p><p>No. That wasn’t true. Part of why Jade chose Saphir to work with was because he wanted to watch the flashes of the old Saphir- the way he stumbled over his words, his childlike excitement while he built machines- to see if that part of him was still there. But thinking a member of the God-Generals could change their ways was the stupidest thing of all. Van chose them well; they all clung to a deluded ideal until their last day.</p><p>Jade went through three ales, then four. Night sky sealed up the windows, and the crowd thickened. A young man sat next to him, and he entertained the poor soul with his goriest war stories, enjoying watching both him and the bartender grow increasingly more uncomfortable. Having meaningless conversation with a stranger refreshed him. He needed meaningless.</p><p>“And <em>then,</em>” Jade said, “the spear went through his-”</p><p>A commotion behind them drew his attention, and the young man sitting beside him took the opportunity to slip away. A man with unshaved stubble had cornered a smaller man with straw blond hair, advancing on him. He was close enough that Jade could hear his shout over the other voices: “Who do you think you are, masquerading as my brother?”</p><p>The smaller man shrank against the wall, and Jade saw pure fear in his eyes. There was an innocence to it that he had recognized from Florian. “I’m sorry…”</p><p>“You’re nothing like him. He would never apologize!” His voice slurred. “When you came back from the Tower of Rem, I thought I had my brother back. But I don’t know what you are. I just know it’s nothing good.”</p><p>His victim flinched. “I didn’t mean to-”</p><p>“Not another word out of you, <em>replica</em>.”</p><p>The man lunged at him, but Jade was already up and stepping in between them, summoning the spear from his arm. The man shrank back from him, crying out in surprise.</p><p>“What’s going on here?”</p><p>Hearing the bartender behind them, Jade let the spear become one with his flesh again.</p><p>Before he could answer, the attacker cut in. “This guy came at me with a fucking <em>weapon…</em>” He blinked. “Where did it go?”</p><p>Jade held out his empty hands. “I have no weapon. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“Search him,” the man said.</p><p>The bartender didn’t need any more prompting- he’d clearly been wanting to do this the entire night. He checked Jade’s pockets and patted him down. “There’s no weapon here, sir.”</p><p>“Forgive him,” Jade said. “I think he’s had too much.”</p><p>The man shook his head. “No, I swear he had one…”</p><p>The bartender sighed, probably wishing it was closing time. “Well, there’s nothing here. Whatever. You two better not start anything.” He returned to his post, refilling someone’s beer while keeping an eye on them.</p><p>“You do realize,” Jade said calmly, “that you can’t make somebody into something they’re not?”</p><p>The man only glared at Jade and disappeared into the crowd. Jade turned around, but the replica was gone. He scanned the crowd and didn’t see him. Probably for the better. Jade wasn’t sure what he would have said or done, anyway.</p><p>Nausea turned his stomach, although he couldn’t imagine he drank enough to feel sick. It was a good enough sign to head back to Nephry’s, though. He pushed his way through the crowd and into the cold Keterburg air, the chill bringing him minimal relief. The replica wasn’t out here either, nor any passerby, only streetlights showering down onto dark pavement. Jade had a sick feeling that the replica didn’t have a home to go back to. The helplessness that had shadowed him ever since losing Luke resurfaced. It felt that he had barely gotten anything done since he began research, no thanks to Saphir’s drama, although he wouldn’t get as far without Saphir’s help, either. And once they- or he- did publish their findings, it wouldn’t change the world’s opinion overnight. It wouldn’t stop people like the man in the bar, who were set on seeing replicas as inferior, who made people like Luke see themselves as inferior.</p><p>Jade didn’t experience sadness in the same way other people did. It was more of a numbness, a hollowness. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t any less painful. He needed the disappearance of sleep, a better cure than the dimness of alcohol. Then, no matter what happened tomorrow, he would wake up and work.           </p><p>He followed the streets back towards Nephry’s mansion. His warped vision bent the straight pavement into uneven surfaces, made the familiar town seem unknown. He didn’t notice the two people in his path until they were right in front of him.</p><hr/><p>Dist switched his suitcase to his left arm as he and Nephry rounded another corner, its weight pulling on his bones like it could stretch them out. “Damn. I don’t think I packed my revenge journal in either of these.” They had grabbed two suitcases at random and ran out before the train station closed.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” Nephry said. “I’ll have everything else shipped to you as soon as I can. Besides, maybe wherever you’re going, you won’t meet anyone you want revenge on.”</p><p>He doubted that. “What about my chair?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t forget that,” she said.</p><p>He turned towards her. “I’m going to miss you, Nephry.”</p><p>She dropped her suitcase, surprising him with another hug. “I’ll miss you, too.”</p><p>The buildings melted past. Dist felt the thrill he used to when he snuck out at night to meet Jade for an adventure the adults wouldn’t approve of, although walking through Keterburg was making him miss it already. Wherever he landed himself wouldn’t be as beautiful. He first saw it as a child, so it would always be magical. He wouldn’t be here to see it in winter, its most beautiful incarnation, everything hues of silver, white, and blue.</p><p>He didn’t <em>want</em> to leave. He wanted Nebilim, who had cared for him like a mother, back. He wanted to be Jade’s friend. He wanted to hold Jade close and make things better. But none of that was going to happen.</p><p>“This way,” Nephry said suddenly, pointing to an alley.</p><p>“That’s not the way to the station,” he said.</p><p>“Just- come on.” She tugged at his sleeve, but he had already seen what made her want to go the other way. Jade.</p><p><em>Follow her, </em>Dist told himself. But the way Jade was walking caught his attention- distracted, almost unbalanced. He hadn’t even noticed them yet. All Dist wanted was to stay here and steady him. It reminded him of the look in Jade’s eyes earlier- and he realized that, just for a moment, he had seen the old Jade in those eyes, without either Nebilim or Luke around. While Jade had never been emotionally open, he used to be more forthcoming; when he did speak, he was blunt, his true thoughts out in the open. When he was angry, when he interested in something, or whatever other emotions were in his range, everyone could tell. Dist wanted to pry that piece of him open, see it spill over into his whole being.</p><p>Dist repeated a vicious mantra in his head. <em>That doesn’t matter. He hates you. And you hate him, remember? Don’t you dare beg. He doesn’t have any power over you. You don’t care about him.  </em></p><p>Jade got closer, still unaware of them. He looked sick, almost, his pale face flushed.</p><p>
  <em>Dammit.</em>
</p><p>Dist put his suitcase down.</p><p>“Saphir,” Nephry warned.</p><p>He ignored her. “Jade?” he called out. “What are you doing out here?”</p><p>Jade stopped several feet away from them. If he was surprised, he didn’t show it. He looked past Dist. “Hello, Nephry.”</p><p>He knew how to test Dist’s good will. “Stop ignoring me!”</p><p>“Oh. You’re here, too?” Jade cut him a mischievous glance. “To answer your question, I got kicked out for barfighting.” Was he serious? “And you? Are you sneaking off without leaving your word?”</p><p>“Yes.” Nephry set down the suitcase in her arms, her normally placid voice was jagged with exasperation. “And now you have it. If you’ll excuse us, we’re going to the train station.”</p><p>“Nephry, it’s been years since you’ve been so short with me,” Jade said. “What’s the matter?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Her voice smoothed out. “I’m sorry. I’m just…tired.”</p><p>“It is quite late,” Jade said, not sounding like he believed her. “I’ll let you get going.” He started to brush past them.</p><p>Dist’s heart tried to make a panicked jailbreak from his ribcage. “Wait!” He faltered, not knowing what to say. He certainly wasn’t going to apologize. And Yulia willing, he was not going to cry.</p><p>“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Jade said. “We’ve said all there is to say, haven’t we? Safe travels.”</p><p>Nephry laced an arm around Dist’s, but he shook her off. “I want to stay.”</p><p>Jade paused, looking at the suitcase at his feet. “It doesn’t seem like that.”</p><p>“Jade, even though you’re a selfish, lying bastard…with the emotional intelligence of a rappig…” Nephry shot him a warning glance, and he refrained from revealing where the insult came from. “This kind of work is my life. I don’t want to lose it.” It wasn’t quite the truth, but he couldn’t tell Jade that he didn’t know who he was without him in his life. That the idea of getting on that train was too terrifying to process. “I know you hate me, but-”</p><p>“Where did you get that idea?” Jade asked.</p><p>“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Bitterly, he put on his best Jade impression. “‘Your life is so pathetic, Saphir! I can’t admit that you’re smarter and prettier and more perfect than I’ll ever be, so I’m going to call you trash!’”</p><p>“Now, now, let’s not put words in my mouth.” Jade’s smirk dissolved into seriousness. “Why do you think I gave you a choice? In all honesty, Saphir, it would be hypocritical of me to hate you when I’ve done the same things.”</p><p>Relief warmed Dist’s whole body. Thank Yulia for alcohol. He doubted he would have gotten such a straightforward response without it.</p><p>“That’s not to say that I can trust you so easily,” Jade said.</p><p>“How can I make you trust me, then?"</p><p>“It isn’t that simple. Human beings aren’t like your machines. You can’t flip the right switch and suddenly everything’s okay.”</p><p>Dist drew in a shaky breath. “Please, Jade- look at you right now. I don’t know what’s going on, but I want to make it better. Please just tell me how.”</p><p>Jade looked at him blankly, as if it were a logical question devoid of emotion. “Well, you can start by helping me out around here without any ulterior motive.”</p><p>"Of course." Dist glanced back at Nephry. "Can we walk you home?"</p><p>Jade gave them a small smile. "I wouldn't mind that."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Song/chapter analysis: The eponymous track on this album is, in my interpretation, about the struggles of turning a passion into a career. I interpret this one pretty literally- Jade and Dist are trying to figure out the direction of their careers and lives. I wanted to go for a similar feel to that trademark moment in Tales games when the characters split up.</p><p>I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you on Side B!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Don't Fake This</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi hello yes I am back!!</p><p>Well let me tell you that quite a thing happened while I was on hiatus. And that quite a thing was me discovering the existence of the Abyss Drama CDs. Yes, I know...last person at the party. Since that canon makes infinitely more sense then what I had going on here, I eventually decided to change some small details in Side A to be more consistent with it. (What can I say, this thing has great reread value. You catch something new every time you look at it.) No need to reread anything though, everything in Side B will still make perfect sense. </p><p>Going forward, since life is hectic, there won't be a consistent upload schedule in the foreseeable future. Thank you for your patience!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>SIDE B: THE TRUTH</p><p>
  <em>“Healing has to begin in the past</em>
  <em>.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Peony studied the empty ballroom, picturing it filled with people and food. A capacious ceiling dangled a chandelier with orange lights like a thousand tiny embers over his head. The windowsills were crowded with vases of yellow itoh peonies, his namesake. The room would be much more beautiful when the floors were scuffed with shoe marks and the air packed with sweat. What else was missing?</p><p>He turned to the treasurer standing beside him. “Oh, banners. Blue and gold.”</p><p>The treasurer scribbled on his clipboard. “By estimate, that’s a hundred Gald left for our budget.”</p><p>Peony groaned. “You think we could dip into the military budget? We don’t really need that these days, anyway.” Malkuth had been enjoying a rare stretch of peace in the aftermath of the chaos Van brought upon Auldrant. Thank Yulia. No more awkward conversations with enemy leaders, no censure for <em>conveniently</em> running out of room so he didn’t have to invite the king whose army just slaughtered half his soldiers, no finding out the beautiful woman he was dancing with happened to be that same king’s daughter.</p><p>“With all due respect, I wouldn’t advise that, Your Majesty,” said the treasurer.</p><p>As always, hearing the title grated on Peony. He couldn’t wait to be around people who didn’t call him “Your Majesty,” only if for a night. (Except for Jade, who called him that to get on his nerves.) He would surround himself with friends, not subjects. People he could laugh with, like Astor, not people he had to be formal with. No matter how many times he told the servants he didn’t want to be called that, they insisted on sticking to tradition. It was why he used to sneak into Nebilim’s school, and why he gravitated towards Jade- the boy hadn’t been afraid of him, talked to him the same as everyone else.</p><p>“I know you’re right, but it sucks,” Peony said. “We should be making fun, not war.”</p><p>“I’m sure you’ll have plenty of fun,” the treasurer said. “Perhaps a bride will catch your eye.”</p><p>Peony was sick of hearing that, too. Everyone wanted him to settle down. why couldn’t he live out the rest of his life a bachelor, enjoying many different beautiful sights- a calm tourist drive, never having to get his heart broken? Jade seemed content to stay single, too, although he’d never shown any interest in the women. Or men. </p><p>“Perhaps,” he said dismissively. “Okay, what can we do with a hundred Gald?”</p><p>The clattering of an armored man running, a sound he knew too well, floated in from the hallway outside. He pivoted towards the doorway. One of his soldiers, anonymous behind a face shield, stopped to lean on the doorframe. “Your Majesty! There’s a riot in the city square,” the man said.</p><p>Peony snapped to attention. “A riot? Over what?” He was used to unexpected news, but he’d never heard this before. He ignored a smug glance from the treasurer, no doubt gloating about the necessity of the military budget.</p><p>“I don’t know,” the soldier said. “It’s chaos out there. Riot is best as I can figure. The First Guard is on it. May I have your orders to send more-”</p><p>“Yes, have them deploy whoever is necessary. I’ll be right there.” Peony turned to the treasurer. “You’re dismissed.” He brushed past the soldier.</p><p>“Your Majesty, it’s not safe-”</p><p>Peony halted, his braid luffing against his shoulders. “I’ll be just fine.” He never wanted to be the kind of emperor who stayed safe in his golden room while his people suffered. It disturbed him, how the roar of the fountains curtaining the palace drowned out the commotion in his own city square.</p><p>Before the soldier could protest any more or insist they waste time sending a vanguard with him- he could fight as well as any of them- he took off down the hallways filled with servants who stared after him. They had probably never seen him run before; he never needed to, when everything could be brought to him. He stopped at his room to grab one of the swords hanging on the wall, wading through the pile of foraging rappigs that grunted in protest. The closer he got, the sound of shouts broke through the roar of falling water, eventually overtaking it.</p><p>Once he reached the city square, lungs thrashing his chest, he stood in the middle of chaos just as the soldier described. People swarmed the area, some shouting, some delivering blows while soldiers tried to pull them off each other. A vendor’s cart lay overturned, squashed fruit spattering the ground. He ducked behind a column, watching from afar, trying to figure out what was going on and deciding how to enter the mob.</p><p>He grabbed the nearest person by the arm. “What’s going on here?”</p><p>The woman startled, probably expecting an attacker, but when she absorbed his words, she calmed. “It’s absolutely ridiculous. Apparently some replicas showed up and the innkeeper refused to house them, so they started tearing the place up, and one thing led to another…For Yulia’s sake, that’s my cart!” She darted into the crowd.</p><p><em>I’d riot too, </em>Peony thought. Assuming that was the truth of what happened. When all this was over, he would ensure that innkeeper was fired.</p><p>His gaze trailed the woman, and a flash of red middle of the fray caught his eye. A man’s hair, red dark as soil. The man crouched over a girl lying on the ground, hovering his hands over the wound on her arm, fingertips bathed in the pale glow of the seventh fonon. It couldn’t be.</p><p>Rumors of a traveling man who performed miracles had been swirling around the palace these past few months, rumors imported from every continent. He healed people on death’s door. He could warp sound, turning the sharp ping of a tine against a chalice into a low bass vibration, amplifying whispers into shouts. Seldom speaking, he left without telling anyone his name. They described him the same way: a man with dark red hair clothed in black and white. Normally, Peony would have doubted their credibility. But this rumor was true.</p><p>People said he was like a god in a human’s body, and they were right.</p><p>The crowd’s noise crescendoed, staggering him. The pressure in his ears, feeling like a physical blow, swelled and then popped like a bubble, leaving him floating in silence, making him wonder if he had somehow gone deaf. Then the sound trickled back, building up to its normal pitch, and he realized the rumors hadn’t been exaggerated.</p><p>Peony needed to see his face. Needed to ask him what he was doing. Why he never stayed. According to Jade, Lorelei even left Tataroo Valley abruptly, fleeing like a wild animal when everyone surrounded him. Not that he was needed. King Ingobert had already chosen a new heir to Baticul’s throne, Luke’s distant cousin.</p><p>“There he is!”</p><p>The soldier from earlier had arrived with a ring of soldiers, who formed a protective barrier around Peony. “Are you alright, Your Majesty?” one of them asked.</p><p>“Yeah. Just fine.” Peony brought himself back to the present. What was he thinking? Lorelei wasn’t the priority here, and he probably shouldn’t speak with him, anyway. Peony couldn’t help resenting him because of what his existence meant. Hating him, even. What kind of heretic hated Lorelei?</p><p>He looked once more at the spot where he’d seen Lorelei, but both he and the girl were lost in the crowd or already gone. His hand rested on his sword hilt. “Let’s break this thing up.”</p><p>           </p><hr/><p>Dist glanced at the cards in his hand, their red and black numbers glinting under the Keterburg casino’s overhead lights. “Raise.” He threw more chips into the pile with a flourish of his hand, and the banker rolled his eyes, collecting them and stacking them.</p><p>The man to his left laughed. “You ever heard of a poker face, man?”</p><p>The smile Dist hadn’t realized was on his face turned into a glare. He smoothed out his expression, but the result must have looked even more ridiculous, because the man laughed at him. How did people do this?</p><p>Jade would be incredible at this game. No way could he have sent Jade in his place, though. If he knew Dist were here trying to win them enough to afford repairs on their oldest machine, he would think it reckless and stupid. What did he know? Dist was a master at deception, no matter what anyone said about rubbish like poker faces, and he had a winning hand. In the past few weeks since he decided to stay, he’d tried to make things up to Jade, to prove himself trustworthy, but Jade only treated him with the same detached coolness. That would change once Dist won. It had to. With this hand, he could win enough to afford repairs for months. Perhaps he could have done it in a more noble way, such as taking on a side job, but he didn’t need anyone treating him like an underling, and he was already booked from his work at the lab- he needed his beauty sleep. Jade didn’t seem to. He was overworking himself, not coming back to his room until Dist was already in bed, and he stayed lovely. He showed no signs of exhaustion, but surely it must be affecting him. Dist just wanted to make things easier on him, but everything he did to help felt forced, like trying to appease an angry god he didn’t believe in.</p><p>Not that he had no hard feelings. He had <em>every</em> hard feeling. But seeing the pain in Jade’s eyes that day dwarfed any of his own pain, outweighed any qualms he had about bending himself over backwards for someone who wouldn’t crack one vertebra in his spine for him.</p><p>The woman to Dist’s right studied both remaining men, then flipped her cards over and leaned her arms on the table. “I fold.”</p><p>Dist laughed and turned to face his opponent. “Are you ready to find out what defeat tastes like?”</p><p>"You sure you should be so confident?” the man said.</p><p>“Certain.” He slapped the cards down face-up, displaying a full house.</p><p>His opponent threw his hand down, leaning back in his chair and smirking. A royal flush- King Ingobert’s face staring up at him mockingly, Queen Susanne’s perpetually sad gaze pitying him. The banker and the third player whooped and laughed.</p><p>“<em>What</em>? You’re cheating.” Dist ducked to look under the table. All he saw was pink stalactites of gum hanging from the table’s wooden underbelly. He shot upright again.</p><p>“Nah, you’re just terrible at this.” The man held out a hand, and Dist smacked his final Gald coins into his palm. “You ever want a rematch, you know where to find me.” He walked off.</p><p>Growling under his breath, Dist got up and pushed his chair in, scraping it viciously against the floor. He’d tried everything- poker, slot machines, the ridiculously named Nephry Ball- only to end up with less than he started with. Now he had no chance at any of them and no way to pay for food tomorrow. He started towards the exit. Being broke was a foreign feeling to him, empty and fearful. Surely Nephry would lend him some and he wouldn’t have to beg on the streets.</p><p>Motion in his periphery made him turn around- a group gathered at the bar, laughing and dancing to the jaunty overhead music, glittery under the headlights. They seemed to float apart from the world around them, unaware of the misfortune that clung to this place. Normally he would have felt slighted by their joy in the face of his misery, but just looking at them lifted his spirits, their happiness so effortless it was contagious. The only thing piercing the illusion was that their “dancing” was a broken, drunken sway that was an offense to the art. They deserved to see how it was done.</p><p>Dist tightened up his gloves and walked over, slipping beneath the bridge two women had made with their arms, infiltrating their bright, beautiful world so easily it didn’t feel like an intrusion. He launched into a pirouette, slicing the crowd apart and landing with his hand fitted perfectly inside another man’s. The man met his eyes, smiling. The crowd gave drunken hoots and whistles, bunching closer to get a better look at this new stranger. Hands grabbed at Dist, pulling him into the amalgam of thrashing limbs. A woman grabbed at his waist, but he spun away and draped himself in a backbend over another man’s arm, exciting another whistle from the crowd. Their attention fed a starving part of him, but the motions themselves were enough to get high off. In years, he hadn’t done more than daydream about dancing, and he could tell where his landings were sloppy or his legs less flexible, but his body remembered how, the memory imprinted in his muscles like a genetic code.</p><p>Time in the world they’d built for themselves warped and condensed. It could have been minutes or hours that he stayed, unaware that he was sweating and his feet hurt until the crowd thinned and sunrise bleached the windows. He couldn’t remember sharing words or getting names- the movement they shared connected them. Maybe he was broke, but he was happier than he could remember being in months. When someone finally asked him if he would come back, he said yes.</p><hr/><p>When Jade opened Nephry’s door early in the morning, Zoi stood behind Nephry’s desk, stuffing new folders into the file cabinet. She looked up expectantly, then her expression fell. “Oh. It’s you.”</p><p>“Warm greetings to you, too,” Jade said. “I apologize. I was only coming to ask Nephry for some assistance. The heating in our room seems to be broken.”</p><p>“Well, she’s off talking with that friend of yours now,” Zoi said. No surprise. Whenever he passed Nephry in the halls, Saphir was always with her, both of them giggling like schoolchildren.</p><p>“I prefer ‘coworker,’” Jade said.</p><p>“That makes more sense,” said Zoi. “I can’t imagine you have any friends.”</p><p>Jade laughed incredulously. “Well done.”</p><p>His reaction soured her expression even farther. She shut the drawer with enough restrained intensity, as if she were resisting slamming it. Nephry choosing such a prickly mate amused him. Still, it bothered him that he seemed to be the main recipient of those thorns. It wouldn’t be pleasant to be on bad terms with someone who may become family someday, and it was only on her side; he didn’t dislike her.</p><p>“Zoi, if I may ask…is there something I’ve done to make you upset with me? I can’t imagine what it is. We’ve barely spoken.”</p><p>“We’re going to do this, then, huh?” Zoi’s stare may have intimidated someone weaker than him. “Alright. You might be used to people walking on eggshells around you, Colonel, but I won’t.”</p><p>“I gathered that already,” he said.</p><p>“See, the problem is exactly that,” Zoi said. “We’ve barely spoken. You couldn’t tell me one thing about Nephry’s life since you’ve been gone, could you? You only ever talk to her when you need something from her. She’s just too nice to say anything to you about it. You have no idea how much you’ve upset her. She doesn’t have much other family to rely on, you know.”</p><p>Jade put a hand to his temple. How could he have missed this? Contrary to what some might think, he understood social conduct just fine. He just didn’t always act on it. No wonder Nephry snapped at him so many nights ago. He’d only sat down and talked with her once. She’d invited him to visit her more often, hadn’t she? And he didn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He’d just become so singleminded about his work that he ignored everything else, like when he tried to revive Nebilim. “I’ve been quite rude, haven’t I?”</p><p>“Yes, you have,” Zoi said. “Nephry didn’t want me to say anything about this, but this is too important. Silence won’t help anything.”</p><p>“It would have been better from her, yes. But I’m glad you told me,” Jade said.</p><p>Judging from Zoi’s face, she wasn’t expecting that reaction to be so cordial, either.</p><p>“You’d better make it right,” she said, softer. She retreated through the door behind her, leaving Jade to wonder how exactly to do that. It wasn’t as simple as Zoi made it sound. He was good at swindling people into believing his lies, but assuring them he was sincere was harder. Nephry had every right to suspect he wasn’t. He never partook in the normal things family was supposed to do, like saying “I love you” or laughing over inside jokes. He figured she didn’t want him too close, anyway; he was the kind of twisted, violent brother no one blamed you for writing off.</p><p>After spending the morning thinking it over and deciding to speak with her tomorrow, he was eager to get his mind on something easier. In the lab, the white tiles felt like a sheet of ice under his feet; naturally, the heat had to go out during the coldest months. Saphir was already there, and he looked exhausted, body dragging and stare vacant.</p><p>Jade started his usual interrogation. “Out late last night?”</p><p>“Only at the casino.” Saphir grinned. “I’ll spare you the details, but there were hands all over me.”</p><p>“The hands of the guards that dragged you out of there, I assume,” said Jade.</p><p>“They were not guards, and they were not doing that.”</p><p>“Why were you there? Not gambling our budget away, I hope?”</p><p>Saphir’s hands twitched. Suspicious. Although the movement could have been concealed frustration over Jade’s mistrust, too. “I only went there to dance.”</p><p>“At the casino?”</p><p>“There’s a group who meets there. You can come sometime, if you’d like. We both need the practice before the banquet.”</p><p>Jade considered. Coming would be a way to verify his story.</p><p>And…he did miss dancing.</p><p>And….</p><p>…he did miss dancing with Saphir.</p><p>The man always matched his motions perfectly. Although he had no desire for Saphir’s body in any other context, he knew Saphir’s body intimately; the curve of his spine under Jade’s hand, his body fit against Jade’s. It was like the comfort of his hands in his pockets.</p><p>And he hated that.</p><p>“I’m not particularly fond of that atmosphere,” Jade said. “I didn’t think you were either.”</p><p>“Where else do I have to go?” Saphir asked.</p><p>“Fair, I suppose. Alright, you’re off the hook.” He couldn’t get paranoid over every little thing. “You have been a very good boy lately.”</p><p>His final words had the intended effect; Saphir blushed and looked away, probably biting back a comment about not patronizing him. Often he would start to respond, then think better of it. It amused Jade to wait and see if he ever snapped, and knowing him, and impressive how long he was holding his temper. He spoke as if tiptoeing around land mines, trying not to upset Jade.</p><p>Jade turned to the new machine Saphir built him last week. “Will you show me the way around this monstrosity? There are so many extra switches.”</p><p>“What’s the fun in keeping it simple?” Saphir joined him by the machine, giving him a proper tour of it, and things began to feel normal again.</p><p>They’d made several advancements in the past few weeks, although not as much as he would have hoped. They studied personal accounts of replicas and originals. They received a shipment of two new green cheagles to cross-test, Matcha and Basil, and spent the past week peering into their tiny brains with the fonic scan machine and cataloguing the differences between them, snatching out intimate details- the replica, Matcha, had an overactive amygdala, and the original’s cognitive centers lit up faster when navigating mazes with red verbena waiting at the end.</p><p>By afternoon, the usual exhaustion clung to his limbs, a fuzz dulling his thoughts. His shoulders ached from sitting hunched over his desk for several hours, and that damned cold got worse as it got later, but he was used to tuning it all out. Behind him, he heard Saphir assembling his things to leave, then silence.</p><p>“What is it, Saphir?” he said without turning around.</p><p>In his peripheral vision, Saphir startled. “I just…I think you should get some sleep. You’ve been overworking yourself.”</p><p>Jade turned around partially, draping one hand over the back of his chair. “I appreciate the concern, but I’m perfectly fine.” He knew it wouldn’t do any good to work himself to the point where his brain was no longer efficient, but that was a long way off. The thought of the replica he saw at the bar, of Luke, of the thousands of others suffering, kept him awake just fine.</p><p>Saphir set his books down. “No. If you’re working late, then I will, too.”</p><p>“Even after a night at the casino?” Jade studied him for lying tells and saw nothing.</p><p>“I’ll be fine. I’m sure you’ll need my help for something.”</p><p>“If you insist.”</p><p>“I do. I’ll just need coffee.” Saphir slipped out into the hall.</p><p>After several minutes, he returned with a mug in one hand   and a fire blanket from the closet looped through the other.</p><p>“Oh, dear. What have you blown up?” said Jade.</p><p>“Nothing.” Saphir placed the mug on Jade’s desk. The scent of mint poured out of it.</p><p>“I thought you were getting coffee,” Jade said.</p><p>“I was going to, but then...I thought you looked cold,” Saphir said. “I don’t know if I got it strong enough.” He swirled the teabag in it like a fishing rod. “Or if this is the kind you like, I just grabbed something that looked minty…”</p><p>Jade inhaled again. “It is. Thank you. But why do you have that-"</p><p>In answer, Saphir dropped the blanket over Jade’s shoulders and withdrew his hands quickly as if Jade himself were on fire. Sloppily placed, it drooped from his shoulders, and Saphir hesitated, reaching out a hand, then drawing it back. Jade knew for certain now that it wasn’t disgust making him so jittery.</p><p>For a moment, Saphir’s expression was unguarded, and Jade saw his feelings plainly in it. No one had ever looked at him so gently. It unsettled him. Before Saphir could change his mind and reach out again, Jade tightened the blanket around his shoulders, shifting in his seat and stretching out his legs beneath the desk.</p><p>“As convenient as it is having you as my servant, it’s not necessary to do all this, Saphir,” he said. “Your work here has already been enough. There’s no need to- how do the children say it?- kiss my ass. It’s not as if you’re going to get a raise.”</p><p>“I’m not.” Saphir’s voice stayed soft, but an edge snuck into it. “And I’m not your servant.”</p><p>“I’m only teasing you,” Jade said. “You look like you can barely hold yourself upright. You’re no good to me like that. You can leave, Saphir.”</p><p>Saphir hesitated, then nodded. “Alright, Jade. But I’m not…I’m not doing this just because I feel like I have to.” Before Jade could respond, he turned towards the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Analysis: In my interpretation, DFT is about moving forward. About no longer hiding from the truth and deciding to begin the journey of healing, no matter how hard that is. And though they're going at it cluelessly, that's what our boys are starting to do!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Forfeit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Quick content warning for this chapter for mention of trauma and flashbacks. If this is something you don't want to read, feel free to message me and I can give you a rundown on what happens instead if that would help &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>7: Forfeit</p><p>“<em>Learn from this prehistoric dance</em><em>.”</em></p><p> </p><p>Dist startled awake, the chill of the snow inside his dream switching to the oppressive heat of his room in Nephry’s mansion. Sweat adhered his nightclothes to his skin. He kicked away the blankets cocooning his legs, hugging his pillow to his chest. He didn’t like the silence, but it was better than the feral screams of Nebilim’s replica. The darkness better than the images of Nebilim lying on the ground, sleeves singed off and skin scabbed with burns, the details so clear it seemed his brain had preserved them perfectly. Since they were little, had recurring dreams of the night Nebilim died. Now, they only happened once a year or so, but the space in between made them almost worse.</p><p>He glanced at the thin wall behind him. He didn’t <em>have</em> to have silence.</p><p>Before he could stop himself, he knocked on the wall. “Jade? You awake?”</p><p>Through the thin barrier, he heard stirring and a muffled response. “Well, <em>now</em> I am. What’s wrong?” His irritability traveled through just fine, too. Remembering how late he’d come back to his room last night, Dist regretted waking him.</p><p>“Nothing,” Dist said.</p><p>“If this is your new way of annoying me, I’m wise to your tricks now,” said Jade. "It won't work next time."</p><p>“No! It’s not. I wouldn’t…” Dist huffed, frustrated with his inability to be coherent. He saw no other option than coming clean. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just had a dream about…her.”</p><p>It didn’t take Jade long to interpret what he meant. His voice softened slightly. “Oh. Well, I wish I could tell you it wasn’t real.”</p><p>A flash of the burn over Nebilim’s left eye. His next breath compressed into an uneven spasm. He should be over this. </p><p>“It’s alright, Saphir,” Jade said. He sounded similar to the way he did in Dist’s imagination. Almost soothing. “Breathe. You’re safe here. Go back to sleep.”</p><p>Dist whipped around, wishing he could see through the wall. Jade had never comforted him before. When they were children, if anything scared him, Jade would laugh at him and call him pathetic. He still would laugh, probably, had the cause of his fear been anything else. But this was different. This, they shared.</p><p>Dist tried to slow his breathing. He used to run to Nebilim when he was afraid, and she would lean down to hug him and tell him she would never let anything happen to him. She became a second mother to him. She covered the scrapes on his legs with band-aids, defended him when Jade and Peony teased him. She could talk to him about machines; his own mother was proud of his talent with them, of course, but she understood nothing about them.</p><p>When she died, it confirmed what he’d grown up suspecting: the world was not safe.</p><p>“Jade?” he said.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Do you dream about it too?”</p><p>A long silence. “I don’t.”</p><p>“I miss her.”</p><p>A longer silence.</p><p>“So do I,” Jade said.</p><p>Dist pressed his hand against the wall, imagining Jade doing the same on the other side, although he probably wasn’t. “Will you…” <em>Let me come sleep next to you? Will you let me curl into your side, just so I can feel someone near me? </em>“Will you keep talking to me? Just for a little. I just need to hear someone’s voice.”</p><p>“Why would you want my voice? I’m the reason you’re having that nightmare.”</p><p>Dist slid his fingertips into the grooves in the wall. “Jade, no. It’s not your fault. You didn’t mean…couldn’t have known…”</p><p>“It does no good to say that, Saphir.” It chilled him how clinically Jade talked about something so sensitive, like it held no more emotion in it than the calculations he performed during the day.</p><p>“You can’t blame yourself. Please.”  </p><p>“If I didn’t blame myself, nothing would be any better. In any case, the issue is long buried, and I doubt digging it up is helping. You wanted a distraction, yes? What do you want me to say?”</p><p>“Anything.” Dist settled his chin down on top of the pillow.</p><p>“Hmm…how about a bedtime story? There was once a man named Dist the Runny, and he was the stupidest, most obnoxious-”</p><p>He smacked his palm against the wall. “Jade!”</p><p>“You did say <em>anything. </em>At least now you’re angry instead of scared.”</p><p>“I don’t want to hear <em>that</em>. Just…I don’t know…tell me what’s in your room.”</p><p>“My room? Well…I can’t see it very well in the dark, but…there’s a very ugly carpet. And even uglier curtains. There’s an end table. There’s a lamp. There’s…”</p><p>Dist set down his pillow and lay down, running his fingers up the wall as if to catch the soft syllables in his hand.</p><p>When the alarm rang the next morning, he didn’t remember how soon he fell asleep or the last thing Jade said to him, but his arm was still stretched over his head, numb.</p><p>He cradled it against his chest, rubbing the crinkling sensation out of it. Amazing he fell back asleep. Remnants from the feeling from the nightmare still clung to him, and so did embarrassment. Had he really wanted to crawl into Jade’s bed like a pathetic child, really needed someone to talk him back to sleep? Didn’t he promise himself Jade would never see him like that again? A new sensation, more imagined than physical, prickled up his arms; the need to crawl out of his skin, to be in anyone else’s but his. Normally, after these nightmares, he felt better in the mornings. He could always reassure himself that someday, he would bring Nebilim back. But now that Jade had forbidden him, he couldn't tell himself that.</p><p>Dist realized he'd tuned out the alarm, and he whacked it, silencing it. He got up earlier these days; Nephry had hired him as a second assistant so he could start to gain back the gald he lost at the casino. It wasn’t bad- mindless work, and he needed mindless today. Not too taxing, usually organizing files or acting as a messenger. He couldn’t ask for a better, less demanding boss than Nephry. She could afford to pay him well, and it didn’t have him losing too much sleep. At first, Zoi seemed annoyed about sharing her position, but they soon bonded over gossiping about the other employees, and she was surprisingly adept at teaching him how things were done around the mansion.</p><p>While he proofread some of Nephry’s decrees that morning (although, as he’d neglected to mention, he couldn’t spell any better than her) he began to dread the moment he had to see Jade again. Once he delivered a handful of Nephry’s decrees to waiting carrier pigeons and reported back to her, he left for the break room, hoping he’d be alone there.</p><p>No such luck. Jade leaned against the counter, stirring his tea and looking impossibly awake and alert.</p><p>He waited for Jade to mock him. To repeat the vicious thoughts that were already in his head. Instead, Jade gave him a neutral smile and said, “I see I successfully bored you to sleep last night.”</p><p>Dist struggled to meet his gaze. The one thing he didn’t mind remembering about the incident was Jade’s gentle voice, trying to calm him down. “I didn’t keep you up too long, did I?”</p><p>“Not at all. I didn’t even get to the bathtub. It’s a shame, I had many choice words about that one.”</p><p>“Well. I…thank you.” To signal that he didn’t want to talk about it further, Dist opened the cabinet next to him, searching for a cup he didn’t need.</p><p>“It’s quite alright, Saphir,” said Jade.</p><p>Dist paused, the prickling sensation returning at hearing his old name. Normally he could ignore it, even liked it sometimes, but last night set him on edge. “Don’t call me that.” It came out harsher than he intended.</p><p>Jade tilted his head. “I’ve been calling you that for months.”</p><p>“Well, I’d rather you didn’t.” He shut the cabinet door behind him, realizing too late that he hadn’t taken anything out.</p><p>“What’s this all of a sudden?” said Jade.</p><p>“Don’t play dumb.” Jade clearly used his old name because he knew it bothered him, weaponized it. <em>I don’t want to see that boy when I look in the mirror. And I don’t want you seeing him when you look at me. </em>Dist searched for a way to change the subject and came up dry.</p><p>“I’m truly not.”</p><p>Dist shook his head. “I hate when you call me that.” It wasn’t completely true. He loved the way Jade said his name last night, like he <em>wanted</em> to be saying it. But today he couldn’t stand it. Today it felt like a weapon. “You must know that.”</p><p>Jade set his cup down. He wasn’t letting this go until he had an answer. Dist hated that about him, how he pushed until he got what he wanted. And always succeeded, Yulia curse him. “I don’t. Why is that?”</p><p>“<em>Because I hate that person!”</em></p><p>Dist nearly flinched at his own voice. At the words. He’d never said them out loud, never let himself think them. And, oh Yulia, he’d said them in front of Jade.</p><p>In the silence, he collected himself, breathed deep to slow his heartbeat, while Jade studied him, expression unchanged.</p><p>“Well,” Jade said finally, “I liked that person better.”</p><p>“You <em>what?</em>” Dist turned the words over in his head. Laughed bitterly. This must be another one of his sick jokes. “I don’t believe you. You don’t leave someone you <em>like </em>to wait around for you for hours and never show up. You don’t push someone you <em>like </em>underwater and leave them to drown.”</p><p>“Come now, that was a little funny,” Jade said. “But you’re right. I wouldn’t have had the same opinion back then.”</p><p>Dist shook his head. Jade used to tell him he would never survive the way he was. That he was too weak. That he was pathetic. And although he would never admit it out loud, it was true. The day he accepted that, he knew what he had to do: become someone who <em>could </em>survive.</p><p>He forced a laugh, and it sounded as unhinged as he felt. “Oh. I see. I know what it is. You just want me to be pliable again. You want me to be your <em>servant</em>.”</p><p>“No. I don’t. That gets rather boring, doesn’t it?” said Jade.</p><p>“You’re fucking with me.”</p><p>“I’m not.”</p><p><em>I liked that person better. </em>Dist shut the words out. What did it matter what Jade liked?</p><p>He crossed his arms, feigning control. “Tell me, then. How could you possibly prefer that…” He cut off before he could debase himself even farther in front of Jade.</p><p>“Because,” Jade said, his voice turning firm, “At least that Saphir wouldn’t have let innocent citizens die to get what he wanted.”</p><p>Dist dug his fingernails into his palm. “That’s not fair. You don’t get to twist it like that.” It wasn’t as though he enjoyed what he did when he was God-General. He only did what was necessary. As long as he reminded himself of that, he could pretend the people he hurt were faceless objects. After losing Nebilim, it had been easier to detach like that.</p><p>“There is nothing to twist,” Jade said. </p><p>"You don't understand."</p><p>“But I do. Or I used to.” Jade leaned back against the counter, looking at the ceiling. “It’s a bit like we switched places, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m not that person anymore.”  </p><p>“I’m well aware of that," said Jade "The version that once was, never will be again. There’s only the future.”</p><p>“Oh, you’re <em>so </em>wise. So smart.”</p><p>“I didn’t say that. Professor Nebilim did.”</p><p>“You’re quoting her at me now?”</p><p>"I think Nebilim would have preferred the old Saphir, too," Jade said, like he hadn't spoken.</p><p>"You don't know that," Dist said.</p><p>"You're right, technically. There's no way I could know that for sure. But I have a feeling."</p><p>"Yeah, like she'd be happy with you, too. You killed-" Dist stopped and flinched, feeling like he'd just been pushed from behind. "Jade, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."</p><p>"You have nothing to apologize for." Jade didn't sound angry or upset, just resigned. "You have a right to say it. It's the truth."</p><p>"No, I didn't." He didn't blame Jade for what happened. He never would.</p><p>"I've accepted it. There's no need to placate me." Jade picked up his teacup, beginning to turn away. “You’ve had quite the night. Why don’t you take the day off?” The finality in his voice suggested they weren't going to talk about this again. He might be saying it out of the goodness of his heart, but more likely, he wanted a scramble-minded Dist out of his way. Just as well. He could barely string two thoughts together. Sure, he might not want to think about who he used to be. But he didn't want to think about who he was now, either. Not when he couldn't even keep a simple promise to himself not to argue with Jade.</p><p>He knew why he got angry enough to do it, though. Because, for a second, he'd believed Jade was right about Nebilim. </p><hr/><p>Nephry’s heart sped up as Zoi leaned across her desk, sweeping one of the many tacky knick-knacks on her desk onto the ground, a plastic pink cheagle. She frowned. “Babe, that’s my favorite one.”</p><p>“I thought your favorite one was right here.” Zoi leaned over her, trailing a hand down her cheek, which turned red in response.</p><p>“My mistake. You’re right.” Nephry took Zoi’s face in her hands, kissing her, the familiar candied taste of cherry lipstick slicking over her tongue. She tried to stamp down her disappointment. Every time she found Zoi waiting for her in her office, Nephry braced herself for a bigger surprise than a kiss. Once when Zoi got on one knee in front of her the other day, she nearly lost her breath, but it turned out she was only picking up a paperclip. Surely enough time had passed that Zoi was at least thinking about it.</p><p>Unless she didn’t want to.</p><p>A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. Zoi sprang back, replacing the fallen cheagle. “Yulia’s sake, it’s after hours!”</p><p>Nephry rolled her chair away, taking a deep breath to drain the color from her cheeks. “Come in!”</p><p>She expected to see a guard with important news step in, maybe. Not Jade. Especially not so early in the night; Saphir often complained to her about how late he worked. “Oh, Jade. Zoi told me about the heating. Don’t worry, I’ve got someone coming to work on it tomorrow.”</p><p>“Thank you. But that’s not what I’m here for.” His gaze shifted away from hers. Nephry looked up and caught Zoi giving him a look she couldn’t interpret before leaving through the back door.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” she asked.</p><p>“Nothing,” Jade said. “I just figured I could do with some time off. I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner. It’s been too long.”</p><p>The look he shared with Zoi made sense now.</p><p>The flush in Nephry’s cheeks now came from embarrassment. “Oh, no. Zoi told you about more than the heating, didn’t she?” She suspected it might happen. The likelihood of Zoi keeping her mouth shut, especially when it came to defending her, was low. Maybe a part of her wanted Jade to find out.</p><p>“I owe you an apology,” said Jade.</p><p>“No, you don’t,” said Nephry. “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t mean-”</p><p>“Nephry, please. It’s alright,” Jade said. “I also owe you my thanks. You were right about being…gentler with Saphir. That was what seemed to get through to him after all this time. How that could be more convincing than a major beating is beyond me. He remains obnoxious, but he doesn’t seem to be chasing foolish dreams of fomicry anymore."</p><p>“You followed my suggestion?”</p><p>“I thought a different plan of attack was warranted. Nephry, you look rather smug.”</p><p>Nephry tried to wipe off whatever look had unconsciously crossed her face. “I’m not <em>smug. </em>I’m just glad it worked. Is he okay?”</p><p>"He's...struggling with everything. It will take him a long time to understand...about Nebilim. Not to mention all the harm he's caused. But I feel that he's beginning to."</p><p>"I suppose there's no way around it that doesn't hurt," said Nephry. "I'll be here for him through it."</p><p>“In any case, thank you for your assistance," said Jade.</p><p>“You’re welcome.”</p><p>“You should be. It was very degrading.”</p><p>“I can imagine.” She threw her hand back against her head, her quiet voice taking on a playful tone usually reserved for only Saphir and Zoi. “‘Oh, Saphir, you’re making me cry!’”</p><p>“I did not say that. Or do that,” Jade said.</p><p>Nephry grinned at him. Sure, he couldn’t be the kind of brother she wanted. He wasn’t wired like that. But he cared in his own way, and that was enough.</p><p>She stood, gathering the coat slung over the back of her chair. “Does sushi sound good?” </p><p>He crossed the room, taking her arm. “It sounds wonderful.”</p><hr/><p>After the riot, Grand Chokma’s city square had been guttered with small trails of blood and chips of broken wood, evidence of an argument conceded. Peony and his guards charging in and threatening arrest ended things fast. Several men were imprisoned, including the innkeeper, but Peony couldn’t find the replicas; most likely they’d taken off in fear of persecution. He didn’t send anyone after them, much to his guards’ protest. The guards eventually accepted his rationalization that it wasn’t worth the resources- who knew where they’d gone? Honestly, he didn’t want them to be caught. They weren’t in the wrong.</p><p>In the days since, Peony found excuses to wander the town square. People must think he wanted to see that things stayed peaceable, and they did, although the air crackled with leftover unrest. But he was listening for rumors of miracles, withering crops growing or the sick healing. For the sound to warp around him. Much as he needed to focus on the riot’s aftermath, as he wished it were at the forefront of his mind, Lorelei kept invading his thoughts. Peony had a favor to ask of him, one that came to him while trying to fall asleep and kept him awake for hours afterward.</p><p>He came to the palace courtyard to walk rappig Aslan in order to find peace, a moment away from the servants and his work, but his mind still churned. Aslan snuffled over the yellow cobblestones, vacuuming up whatever lay in his path. No worries whatsoever. Peony led him in nonsensical paths through the labyrinthine hedges he used to play hide and seek in, evading his guards. The fountains’ roar coated his eardrums. As he neared the east side of the courtyard, strands of music snuck through the noise. Someone must be partying hard.</p><p>But…it was unusual party music. Slow and sorrowful, like the ancient fonic hymns Nebilim played for her students to dance to. “B minor,” she said once, when Saphir asked. “It’s the most beautiful key.”</p><p>“But it sounds so sad,” Peony said. He liked faster tunes. Liked swinging and spinning out of control. Liked his hands sliding up and down Nephry’s waist, liked stepping on Saphir’s feet and using their rapid speed as an excuse.</p><p>“It doesn’t have to,” Nebilim said. She sat down at her piano and played him something soft and flowing. It sounded contemplative, peaceful. Not sad. Her hands glided over the keys like birds in flight. She withdrew them into her lap, smiling towards him. “See?”</p><p>“It’s still too slow,” he said.</p><p>He wished he’d told her it was beautiful. But she only laughed, used to the bluntness that children had yet to shed, and said, “I’ll throw in something faster for you next time.”</p><p>The sound grew louder, overtaking the fountains. Which was impossible. It couldn’t be coming from an open window.</p><p>Peony dashed to a bench, yanking Aslan along with him, and wound the rappig’s leash around its water-eroded arm.</p><p>He tightened the knot and patted Aslan. “I’m sorry, buddy. I’ll be right back.” The rappig didn’t care, now busy eating the crumbs someone left on the cobblestones. He took off running through the hedges, distracted by the deep red roses, the poppies. The fountains’ roar diminished into the plinking of a single drop in a glass, the song overtaking it, growing louder as he wound further through the maze.  </p><p>Lorelei stood in the center of the spiral, stroking the petals of a white selenia. He looked up, smiling a detached smile that jarred Peony’s nerves- he really did have the same face as Luke and Asch. The song stopped, sound returning to normal. Peony had imagined the scenario endlessly, but now that he was here, in front of a <em>god</em>, one who looked so ordinary, who looked like dead men, he didn’t know what to do.</p><p>“Your…your Holiness,” Peony said. Should he get on one knee?</p><p>“I apologize that I’ve been so hard to track down,” Lorelei said. His voice didn’t sound like either Luke or Asch, soft and husky. His smile shattered the illusion farther- a smile that seemed to be meant for everyone, and therefore, meant for no one. “I noticed you’ve been looking for me, but I didn’t want to talk where we could be overheard.” He dropped the selenia petal. “You have a favor to ask of me, I presume?”</p><p>Peony was glad to escape small talk, whatever that would be. “I do, if it doesn’t trouble you too much. First, I have to know if it’s possible. You still have their memories, don’t you? Luke and Asch?”</p><p>“I do,” Lorelei said.</p><p>“Then it should be possible.” He into the falls, the water ever moving, ever changing. “What would you like in return?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Lorelei said. “I only wish to do what good I can within the limits of this human body. And I realize my existence is a…disappointment to many. I want to remedy that as much as I can.”</p><p>Peony swallowed hard, guilty that he was among those many. But standing here, seeing Lorelei, flesh and fonons in front in front of him, that feeling dulled. “You are not a disappointment,” Peony said firmly. “You deserve to be here as much as they did.” Luke would have said the same thing.</p><p>“That is kind of you to say.” Lorelei’s smile deepened. “Come closer. Tell me what you want and I will do my best.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Analysis: For the most hardcore song in the album, this chapter sure has some soft parts! However, I do see it as the most intense chapter mentally. Dist is still learning how to talk to Jade under the new terms in their relationships (can he talk to anyone like a normal person? Debatable.) and Forfeit captures those struggles so well in its lyrics. Here we see the end of several conflicts, some ended peacefully, some not so peacefully, and one- well, if I may point you to the quote, "refrain from talking solves our problems."</p><p>Exploring Dist's relationship to his past self got a little too relatable and broke me a little! I think that's why he's a special character to so many people- even though he's over-the-top, the more you learn about him throughout Abyss, he becomes so sympathetic and realistic. </p><p>Rest assured, there are some chill and happy moments coming up soon ;) I'll see you in the next chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Grab Thy Hand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Streetlights poured onto the walkway in front of the Keterburg shopping center. When they were children, Dist and Nephry hopped from one pool of light to another like they were steppingstones. Now they walked straight through. They’d tried to get Jade to come dress shopping with them, but he insisted he already had plenty of suits.</p><p>The block was a mix of shops Dist recognized and ones that sprung up while he was away. Nephry pointed to the little white boutique ahead and asked, “How about that one?”</p><p>Dist surveyed the window display, a row of silken, jewel-studded suits and dresses fancy enough for the Grand Chokmah banquet. Without checking the price tags, he already knew what he would see. “I can’t afford any of those.”</p><p>“I’ll help you out,” Nephry said.</p><p>Secretly, Dist wanted to bait that response from her, but the conscience he often kept locked and chained didn’t want to take advantage of her. She’d already helped him out enough. Last night, she gave him her leftovers from her dinner with Jade, claiming she didn’t want it, but he doubted that- she loved crab.) “I couldn’t ask you to…”</p><p>“This is your special night,” Nephry said. “I know how much this means to you. Some extra shifts will cover it.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yes. But don’t be too happy. I’ll work you hard for it.” Nephry pushed open the door, producing a silvery chime from the bell above.</p><p>Dist smiled shyly. “Thank you.”</p><p>Nephry smiled back, following him in. The boutique was a single wide room portioned off by mazes of clothing racks and carpeted with liger-pelt rugs. The saleswoman directed them to the suits, and they cut through a row of frilly dresses like the ones Nephry used to dress her dolls in, laughing at the ridiculous patterns and ugly colors.</p><p>“What vibe are you going for?” Nephry asked.</p><p>Dist had spent all morning daydreaming about that. “I’m thinking bright colors. Something bold. Something that draws every eye in the place.” He’d always loved that kind of clothing, but his parents did not. They dressed him in the dullest, simplest things. The day he moved out, he spent half the Gald they gave him on stocking his closet. After that, he no longer felt invisible- everyone on the street gave him a second glance.</p><p>“I thought so.” Nephry slowed, lifting a pink sleeve. “I do wish I could go to the banquet sometimes. It sounds like so much fun.” She dropped the sleeve. “I’m sorry. This is a big moment for you. I didn’t mean to say that.”</p><p>“Don’t be. I know how it feels. That tunneling mole Peony went years without inviting me back.” Dist came closer. “I wish you could come, too. But look.” He tilted her chin up to the round lights dangling above them like a miniature solar system. “We have this.” He raised her hand above her head. “Would you like to dance, madam?”</p><p>“I’m so out of practice,” Nephry said, but she lifted onto tiptoe and twirled beneath his hand like a figurine in a music box. Back when Nebilim taught them to dance, she never took naturally to it, but she wasn’t bad, and he missed dancing with her. She was gentle, never giving him nasty surprises like Jade did- helicopter flips over the head or sudden whiplash jerks that popped his joints. He let go of her, and she lost her balance, spinning into the forest of dresses and attracting stares from other customers. Dist reached in to pull her out, and she brushed a veil out of her face, smoothing down stray hairs. Stifling giggles, they spun- slower this time- out of the aisle. They ended up in front of a display in the corner. Dist glanced up at it to reorient himself- and then he couldn’t stop looking.</p><p>“Saphir…?” Nephry said.</p><p>Dist vaguely registered that she had called him by his old name, but he didn’t care; he didn’t have the heart to tell her to stop. He let go of her and walked closer. It was a tarlatan ballet dress like the ones the women in traveling shows wore. Dark pink, nearly lavender. A glittery, veiled tutu curtained the waist. He could watch those women dance forever, always drawn to them even if they were in the background, mesmerized by how the constellations of glitter winked when they spun. He used to imagine himself in those dresses, as effortlessly graceful as them.</p><p>He was imagining the same thing now.</p><p>“I think that’s the one,” said Nephry, pulling him out of his daydream. She had a knowing expression; she enjoyed the traveling shows as much as he did.</p><p>He snorted. “Right.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>Because everyone at the banquet probably expected a suit. Because he did. But that wasn’t a good answer, was it? The idea of walking away from the dress disappointed him, and he couldn’t imagine finding anything he liked better. He gave one last, weak effort to talk himself out of it. “It’s a little unconventional…”</p><p>“But do you like it?” Nephry asked.</p><p>Dist smiled back at her. “It <em>will</em> draw every eye.”</p><p>“Then let’s try it on you.” Nephry raised a hand to flag down the saleswoman.</p><p>In the dressing room, Dist pivoted around the mirrors, admiring his reflection from all angles. He arched one foot, giving an abbreviated twirl in the limited space, and different versions of himself orbited him around the room. The glittery stars streamed just like he remembered. It felt a bit like becoming the person his younger self daydreamed about.</p><p>When he came out, Nephry stood at the counter, talking with the saleswoman. She set something on the counter, quickly whispered to the woman, and ran to him.</p><p>“Saphir, you look so lovely…” She ran her hands over the fabric.</p><p>“Don’t I?” He motioned to the counter. “What were you getting?”</p><p>She shifted, blocking his view. “Just looking.”</p><p>He peered around her and saw the ruby ring on the counter. “Oh, Nephry. You know I’m not…I don’t prefer women-”</p><p>She blushed. “It’s not for you!”</p><p>“Then who is it for- oh.”</p><p>“No! It’s not for- it’s not for anyone. I just saw it behind the counter and thought it looked pretty.”</p><p>“Don’t worry. I won’t ruin the surprise.”</p><p>“There’s no surprise. I’m not buying it. I’m waiting on Zoi to…make the move. Because if she wanted to, she would. That’s the kind of person she is. But she hasn’t, so…I’m starting to wonder if she never will.”</p><p>“Or she’s waiting for you,” Dist said. “Why don’t you just do it first? Then you’ll know.”</p><p>Nephry laughed humorlessly. “I don’t have the nerve for that.”</p><p>“What’s there to lose?”</p><p>“Everything. Her.” Nephry looked back. The ring still sat on the counter, forgotten while the saleswoman spoke with a customer. “I just want something long-term. Forever, if that’s possible. And if she doesn’t…”</p><p>“…then she isn’t right for you.”</p><p>“That’s what I’m afraid of.”</p><p>Dist shrugged. “You should get it in case you change your mind.”</p><p>She looked back once more, heaving a shaky breath that didn’t predict the steady determination in her voice. “Okay. Just in case. Now get changed back, we have to find you some shoes…”</p><hr/><p>Anecdotes from human replicas and tests from animals always showed the same results, no matter what fancy new words you slapped on them: originals were superior in every way. Stronger. Smarter. Faster. Braver. But Jade insisted this couldn’t be true across all areas of functioning. He still wanted a focal point of their publication to be a replica’s advantages over their original.</p><p>“Pretty hard to do when they don’t exist,” Dist snapped one day, frustrated with Jade trying to connect nonexistent dots. They had long given up on desks; Dist lay on his stomach on the floor and Jade sat up cross-legged, marooned in an ocean of books and files. “There’s no way around it, they’re just so <em>fragile</em>…”</p><p>The scathing response he expected didn’t come. Jade was staring blankly into the wall. Dist panicked, thinking he’d gone too far and brought up some unpleasant memory. He panicked and scrambled onto his knees, an apology loaded on his tongue. His words to Jade in the kitchen still weighed heavy on his mind, even though Jade continued to act like nothing had happened.</p><p>Jade said, “You may have a point. In a twisted way.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Think of Evenos. He may have been more powerful physically, but Ion had a much larger capacity for empathy.”</p><p>“Unlike you.”</p><p>Jade ignored him. (Disappointing, because Dist was quite proud of his comment.) “Luke, too, had a greater capacity than Asch for self-awareness. Even Sync, though he may have gone down the wrong path, had more awareness than Evenos. And Florian- well, you’ve met him.”</p><p>“So you’re saying replicas are more touchy-feely?” said Dist.</p><p>“If you want to put it that simply,” said Jade.</p><p>“How could that be, though?”</p><p>“It is curious. Perhaps, in that respect, instead of degraded from their originals, their brains are advanced. Or perhaps it’s not biological but because of the confusion they’re born into- they’re inherently faced with a lost sense of self, a question of their meaning of existence. In some cases, then, replicas are more human than we are.”</p><p>“I don’t see what good that will do for the public’s opinion of them,” Dist said. “This world only cares for soldiers.”</p><p>“Then why do we have healers? Peacemaking leaders like Ion?”</p><p>Dist didn’t have to admit he had no answer. Jade snatched the files from in front of him and scanned them intently. Uninterested, Dist grabbed two stray machine parts nearby and fiddled with them, turning them over, fitting them together in different positions. He didn’t notice the unbroken calm settling over him until he was deep in it. Sitting beside Jade in silence felt normal; he’d flopped on the ground without a second thought, and Jade easily gave up his usual ramrod posture. The usual nervous undercurrent, the anticipation of the inevitable moment Jade would snap or shut him out, wasn’t there. He’d expected Jade to keep calling him Saphir to annoy him, but he hadn’t called him anything. Jade stepped around saying his name so naturally that half the time, he didn’t notice the omission. Now that Jade no longer said it, he almost missed it, almost wanted to hear it again so things would feel normal.</p><p>Dist’s legs tingled, falling asleep beneath him. He stretched them out, and the tip of his shoe bumped against Jade’s. With a sharp inhale, he began to pull back- but before he could, Jade yanked his shoe off, throwing it across the room. It landed next to Matcha, and the green cheagle squeaked and darted underneath one of Dist’s machines. He expected to see annoyance for disturbing him on Jade’s expression, but he was smiling.</p><p>“Jade, you ass!” Dist tried to grab Jade’s boot, but Jade shifted away too fast, reaching across Dist’s body towards his other leg. Dist batted him away and scrambled for his boot again. Jade folded his leg beneath him. Despite everything, Dist felt like laughing. He circled around Jade, going after the other boot. Jade dodged him, plucked off his other shoe, and tossed it next to the first. Sunflower sniffed around them, then crawled into his right shoe. Dist sulked, cradling his socked feet, but he still felt like laughing. It was more comfortable like this, anyway. The mental image of their soles resting together cycled through his mind.</p><p>“Sloppy,” Jade said. You’re far too slow, and your strategy needs some work.”</p><p>“It does not!”</p><p>Jade turned towards him and said the words he used to long for when he was young. “Cheer up. I have an idea. Could you make something for me?”</p><hr/><p>The last bars of the upbeat song playing in the casino faded out. Dist’s dancing partner bowed to him and traded him for someone new. Once the man sank back into the crowd, Dist leaned against the wall, trying not to let on that he was breathing hard. Although his body had readjusted to the motions, relearning the techniques, he wasn’t used to the exertion.</p><p>No one could bear to leave him alone for long- within a minute, someone new approached him. It was the man who had smiled at Dist the first time he came here. They hadn’t seen each other since. Dist would have forgotten him had it not been for his memorable smile, full and earnest.</p><p>“Hello there,” the man said.</p><p>Thankfully, Dist had regained his breath. He put on a syrupy voice. “We meet again.”</p><p>“We do.” The man reached out an arm, and Dist took it, letting the crowd reabsorb him.</p><p>The stranger led him in a rhythmless sway, hands on his waist, fingers creeping lower in a tentative suggestion. Dist let him. He missed being touched. And the man <em>was </em>beautiful- dark skin, a sharp, stubbled jaw. But he found plenty of men beautiful. The overwhelming drunken dizziness he got from looking at Jade wasn’t there, never had been there for anyone else. He found himself picking out the man’s flaws: his hair wasn’t long enough to grab, his touch too hesitating, and the gold highlights on his suit looked fake.</p><p>“You know,” the man said, “you’re a really good dancer. I think you’re good enough to be in a traveling show.”</p><p>The compliment excited Dist more than the touch. <em>Please don’t tell me he’s just flirting. Please let him be sincere. </em>He smothered his vulnerability with a grin. “Of course I am.”</p><p>The man smirked. “You have the perfect personality for a performer, too.”</p><p>“You’re too kind.” Dist pressed closer to him.</p><p>“Someone here probably has connections. I could get you to an audition.”</p><p>Dist’s heart stumbled. The man rested a hand over it, probably misinterpreting its speed for attraction. “You think so?”</p><p>“Yeah. You want me to ask around for you?”</p><p><em>Yes. Absolutely. </em>He swallowed the words down along with his disappointment. “I can’t. Not now. I’m kind of, um, in an important position in my job.”</p><p>“Oh? Where do you work?”</p><p>Jade wouldn’t appreciate him revealing their work to anyone. “I can’t tell you. That’s how important it is.”</p><p>“Hmm, intriguing.” He wasn’t sure if the stranger believed him or not. “Are you a spy?”</p><p>“Nothing like that. I promise.”</p><p>“That’s what a spy would say.” He shrugged, trailing his hand down Dist’s chest. “Even if you are, you won’t find anything here. The worst thing I’ve done is accidentally drop my friend’s miracle gel in the sewer.” He considered. “Well, if you ever change your mind and want to give up your mysterious day job for your dancing career, come talk to me.”</p><p>Jade would never let him. His freedom might depend on it- Jade got his charges dropped just so he could work with him, and if he left, Jade could put him right back in jail. Besides, he needed to stay here to make sure Jade was okay.</p><p><em>Those are just excuses, </em>a voice inside of him said. Dist shut it out. He wasn’t only here because he needed to be. He didn’t <em>want</em> to leave. Sure, this morning had been boring, but it wasn’t usually that way. He loved working with machines, and sometimes, he loved working with Jade. “I can’t,” he repeated, voice coming out panicked.</p><p>The stranger rubbed Dist’s arms. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m not asking you to-”</p><p>Dist pulled away. Suddenly, the crunch of bodies around him became claustrophobic. “I-I didn’t realize how late it was. I have to get home.”</p><p>“No, wait. What happened? What’s wrong?” The man reached out again. But his grip was still too light, and Dist slipped away, out of the casino, down the street, to Nephry’s mansion, to his room.</p><p>He paced around, organizing drawers that didn’t need organizing and straightening lampshades that weren’t crooked. He needed something new to think about. An exorcism to cleanse the man’s words from him. To cleanse the idea that, for a second, he liked the idea of them. Of leaving. He drew the blinds, turned off the lights, and got into bed, but he didn’t sleep.</p><p>One good thing about Jade working late: Dist got to catch up with an old pastime. Getting off with Jade sleeping right behind him felt wrong, no matter how much he needed it. Jade might hear him through the thin walls, or he might slip and call out Jade’s name like a desperate prayer.</p><p>The warmth of the sheets stood in for Jade’s hands around his hips, his fingers in place of Jade’s tongue. His nails slithered a path down his ribs like soft kisses, making him shiver and arch his back. Tonight, he didn’t want scars on his back. He wanted a soft touch, wanted to worship Jade’s body. A dozen scenarios from a dozen previous nights splintered and rearranged themselves: Jade’s long hair fanning over his knees, stroking his hands through it and bending to kiss the top of his head, wrapping his legs around Jade’s back and intertwining his toes, pulling him in close. And recently, the feeling of his lips against Jade's for that fleeting moment, one he replayed over and over in his mind, trying to cement every detail of it in his mind.</p><p>Jade was good at this tonight. Dist breathed hard and fast around increasing waves of pleasure until he fell back against his pillow, running dots blanketing his vision, pleasant heat rushing through his body. His arms and legs went weak, and he dug his fingertips into the sheets. He spewed words that would never exist outside of this room, <em>honey, darling, love, fuck, fuck, fuck</em>, <em>Jade, sweetie. </em>Jade said things he never would: <em>You’re beautiful. I want no one but you. </em>He imagined Jade crawling up to his chest, wrapping his arms around him and resting his head beneath Dist’s chin. And Dist would hold onto him and wouldn’t let him go until long after he fell asleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Analysis: A secret about my process: I see some Hymns chapters as "mirror chapters," ones that have similar themes or elements or completely reverse those elements. "Grab Thy Hand" is a mirror to Chapter 3. While "Send The Pain Below" is about the flaws and deterioration in the Jade/Dist relationship, in this one, we see their relationship start to patch itself together- although that isn't without its flaws. Dist's attachment to Jade causes him to regress to the past. That's how I interpret this song; it's about longing and the past.</p><p>Finally, a note about the ballerina dress: it started as a conversation with friends that led to a joke about ballerina Dist, but I ended up loving that concept, and here we are! I imagine his dancing style to be closest to ballet.</p><p>I've got some time off, so expect the next updates to come much sooner!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. An Evening With El Diablo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Wish I had your faults,<br/>Nothing seems to phase you.<br/>    Lies, you're much more than just human.”</em>
</p><p>Keterburg’s coldest months had arrived. Outside Nephry’s mansion, snow piles replaced the plump rosebushes that once lined the sidewalks. A confetti shower of snow landed on Jade’s shoulders as he circled the block by the mansion in the early morning. He often did so to clear his mind before work, and he especially needed it today, after too many late nights added up. Nearby, a pack of children drew with their fingers on icy streetlamps and giggled at the misshapen pictures. Dogs plowed through the snow, leaving muddy pawprints. He was halfway around the block when he got the sensation of being watched.</p><p>A man passed him on the sidewalk, and Jade observed his expression, trying to see if he’d noticed it, too. The man waved at him, seeming unbothered, but that didn’t  disprove his suspicion. His intuition was usually right. Jade kept walking without looking back- better to let them think he wasn’t aware of them. He kept his footfalls quiet, listening for any odd sound, preparing to summon his spear from his arm.</p><p>It could be a mistake- some romantic soul stopping to admire the falling snow while Jade happened to be in their line of sight. Or someone who recognized him. His reputation followed him everywhere, especially in Keterburg. After he burned down Nebilim’s schoolhouse, people watched him when they thought he couldn’t see them, whispers of “devil child” on their lips. His parents told him that they let the Curtiss military family adopt him in order to give him peace from this scrutiny, but he knew the truth. It wasn’t that they didn’t want him, exactly; they couldn’t handle him. This transaction may have upset another child, but Jade found it a smart, logical choice their point of view. More hardened hands could better keep him out of trouble.</p><p>Jade turned the corner, the mansion coming back into his sight, and the sensation disappeared. Perhaps the mysterious watcher was not after him, but someone in the mansion, someone more important. When he sensed At the porch, he murmured a warning to the guards by the doorway, then headed to Nephry’s office. He planned to see her this morning, anyway, and he figured he should deliver a warning to her himself.</p><p>Last night, he gave Nephry a draft of the article proposal he and Saphir had written. Jade’s revelation about replicas’ enhanced capability for emotion had been the missing puzzle piece he needed. Over the past few weeks, he and Saphir gathered evidence, piling it on top of the research they already had and compiling it together into a semi-coherent article. Jade asked Nephry to proofread it whenever she had time. He needed a set of fresh eyes; he’d read through it so many times, he was desensitized to the words. Her being a governor, he expected she would get to it in three or so weeks, after it already had ten new drafts and her copy became useless. Still, she insisted he come by tomorrow morning.</p><p>When he entered, he found her at her desk, holding familiar ink-stained pages up to the light. She smiled at him, glancing from the paper to him as if she couldn’t believe he wrote these words. “Good morning, Jade.”</p><p>“Good morning, Nephry,” he said. “Your thoughts?”</p><p>“Well, Saphir misspelled a few words,” she said. (Yesterday, Saphir handwrote the version in her hands.) “And there’s one sentence I can tell he came up with, because it contains the phrase ‘super ultra fantastic,’ and while I appreciate the enthusiasm, I’d suggest cutting it out for professionalism’s sake.”</p><p>Jade put a hand to his temple. “I’ll make him fix it.”</p><p>“Otherwise, I think it’s ready.” Nephry beamed. “Jade, this is wonderful. It’s going to have such an impact, I can feel it. Nebilim would be proud of you.”</p><p><em>I hope so. </em>“Thank you,” Jade said. “Although I don’t know if anyone will publish it. Most of the articles I’ve seen these days are predicated on false claims about how <em>dangerous</em> and <em>malevolent </em>replicas are- actual words I saw in a recent article from Chesedonia.” Hell, he didn't think it would even pass peer review. Most rejections would surely call it ‘poorly timed’ or ‘in poor taste’, especially after the riot in Grand Chokmah. If anything, it would find a home in a niche magazine with a circulation smaller than Keterburg.</p><p>“You <em>invented</em> fomicry,” Nephry said. “That lends you more credibility on the subject than anybody else. People know your name. Seeing it there will draw some eyes. It’s not as though you’re alone, either, even if it’s not the popular opinion these days. Sanity will catch on someday. I hear the Order of Lorelei is doing some good work. So is Baticul, with King Ingobert in power.”</p><p>“That’s all true,” said Jade. He stopped himself before the “but” she surely saw coming. Her optimism may be unfounded, but he appreciated it. Instead, he switched topics. “More importantly, I wanted to ask you something. Have you seen someone suspicious around?”</p><p>She snapped to attention. “No. Did you?”</p><p>“I thought this morning, that perhaps…I’m not certain. I’ve already alerted the guards. I’d feel better if you kept them near you.”</p><p>“I will. You be careful, too.”</p><p>“Of course. I apologize, I hate to cause unnecessary fear if it’s unfounded…”</p><p>“No, thank you for letting me know,” Nephry said. “It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.” She let a silence slide past, then smiled shyly. “While you’re here, I have something to tell you, too. It’s also about a proposal…”</p><hr/><p>“You <em>did?</em>” Dist squealed and spun Nephry around beneath the cheap flickering lights in the file room.</p><p>“Keep your voice down!” she said through her excited laughter. “Only Jade knows so far, I told him before you came in…”</p><p>“You told him first?” said Dist.</p><p>“I didn’t mean anything by it. He’s my brother, and I saw him first…”</p><p>The rapid rush of thoughts in Dist’s brain buried his jealousy. “What did he say?”</p><p>“Well, he didn’t <em>spin me around, </em>but he was happy for me. He said, what was it, ‘Give my apologies to Zoi, I’m sure I wasn’t her first choice as a brother-in-law.’ She’s warmed up to him, though.”</p><p>Dist unstuck his thoughts from Jade, realizing he wasn’t asking the right questions. “When did it happen?<em> How</em> did it happen?”</p><p>“Last night. I’d been thinking about what you said, and she was standing in the kitchen, and I was looking at her and I just…I had to know. I had to know if she would be mine forever. So I asked her, and she said yes.”</p><p>The piece of Dist that consumed romance novels late at night trembled. “So why didn’t she do it?”</p><p>“It’s just like you said. She got scared to ask me, too. She said I’d always been the one to make the practical decisions in our relationship, so she assumed I would have proposed already if I wanted to. Thank you, Saphir. I’m so glad you talked me into it. Without you, I don’t know if I would’ve had the nerve.”</p><p>“I told you so.” He flipped his hair. “When’s the wedding?”</p><p>“We haven’t thought that far.”</p><p>“Tell me when you do. I have to help plan it.” Visions of beautiful colors and vases bursting with flowers played out in his mind.</p><p>“Actually,” Nephry said, “I had a different role in mind for you. Would you like to be my best man?”</p><p>Warmth spread through Dist’s chest, and before he could smother his surprise, he said, “Really? Why not Jade?”</p><p>“I don’t think Jade would be…comfortable in that kind of role. You would. And that role normally goes to best friends.”</p><p>The warmth flickered out momentarily. Her words brought back a memory of standing on a street corner with Jade when they were children.</p><p>Saphir remembered tugging at his sleeve.<em> “Jade, you’re supposed to walk me home. You’re my best friend.”</em></p><p>Jade brushed his hand off. “<em>No, I’m not. Where did you get that idea?”</em></p><p>Obviously, he got the idea from spending hours at each other’s’ houses, learning all they could about the seventh fonon, which Peony was too stupid for. He said as much, but Jade still denied it and left him on the corner. How could he have been so naïve to expect anything different?</p><p>Nephry was here now, and she’d been there to pick him up when Jade shoved him in the snow. She accepted him back without question when he came here from prison, had been here to hold him when he fell apart.</p><p>“Do you not want to?” Nephry asked, turning self-conscious. “I guess I shouldn’t have assumed.”</p><p>Dist shook his head. “I do want to. I would love to. Because you’re my best friend, too.”</p><p>Nephry brightened. “Good. Otherwise, that would have gotten awkward.”</p><p>Dist’s undertow of thoughts took him down again. “You’ll get to go dress shopping after all. Can I come?”</p><p>“Of course! Let’s see, I want something white, that’s my color-”</p><p>“We saw that one at the store, remember, the one with the ruffles? Unless that’s too tacky-”</p><p>“Thank Yulia, I didn’t want to say it first, it’s way too tacky…”    </p><hr/><p>As Jade collected his coat from the back of his chair at the day’s end, Saphir swept through the room, carrying an unsteady tower of fomicry texts like a waiter with plates and humming out of tune. The closer the Grand Chokmah banquet got, the happier he seemed. With the banquet now a week away, he acted like he was already on the dance floor, intoxicated. Jade hadn’t given the banquet much thought, solely focused on getting their proposal ready.</p><p>The stack of books towered above Saphir’s eyes, so he had to peer around them to set them on the desk. “What about this one?” he asked, nudging an old journal issue off the top.</p><p>Jade caught it, studying the cover. “Another potential. Thank you.” He added the journal to the matching tower already sitting on his desk. “You sent the first proposals off? The <em>rewritten </em>ones?”</p><p>“Yes,” Saphir said, without a hint of spite. Normally, he would whine about having to handwrite everything and throw a fit when Jade asked him to rewrite it again. His good mood was quite useful, even if it made him distractible. Last week, he built his new machine within a few days; it stood in line next to his other projects, blinking friendly green lights. “Is that all?”</p><p>“It is. Thank you.” Jade crossed the room to Saphir’s desk, looking out the window. Nothing amiss, only a deeper layer of snow.</p><p>“What is it?” Saphir asked.</p><p>“I don’t suggest you go out tonight,” Jade said. These past few nights, Saphir had been going straight to his room, but better to be safe.</p><p>Saphir gathered up his own coat. “Why not?”</p><p>“I thought I saw someone suspicious hanging around. I already told Nephry.”</p><p>Saphir’s hands bunched up the fabric of his coat. The motion looked unconscious. “When?”</p><p>“This morning.”</p><p>He drew the coat closer like it could shield him. “Why didn’t you tell me then?”</p><p>“I couldn’t have you distracted, now could I?” Though he was much less jumpy than before, more desensitized, Saphir hadn’t completely broken his old habits. Jade doubted he could hold his own in a fight if robots weren’t involved.</p><p>Saphir stilled his hands, which looked like it took some effort. “I wouldn’t have been distracted.”</p><p>“I may be mistaken,” Jade said. “But I wanted to let everyone know, just in case.”</p><p>“You aren’t working late tonight?”</p><p>“No. I’m going out there to assess the situation.”</p><p>“Jade, no. Don’t.”</p><p>“What? You aren’t delighted by the idea of me suffering grievous harm?”</p><p>“No. I’m very much not.” Once he became a God-General, Saphir rarely seemed to say what he actually felt. Ever since the night Jade gave him an ultimatum, he finally sounded more honest, if still guarded.</p><p>“There’s nothing out there I can’t handle, I assure you.” Jade didn’t have to fake the calm. He’d never felt fear the way other people described it, not for himself or others. <em>You’re the perfect soldier, </em>the military academy always told him.</p><p>Saphir straightened, resolve glazing over his expression. “Let me come with you.”</p><p>The same dread Jade felt when he was faced with losing Luke before Eldrant welled up in him now. He looked at Saphir sternly. “No.”</p><p>“Why not? You don’t think I can handle it?”</p><p>Jade would have said, “No, I don’t,” if he didn’t think it would pressure Saphir to prove himself and try to come after him. “You’re staying here,” he said. “Nothing is going to happen to you.”</p><p>Saphir’s expression softened. “Jade…” He smirked suddenly. “I thought you liked the idea of <em>me </em>suffering grievous harm.”</p><p>Technically, yes. It was amusing. “I mean it. Do not leave this place.”</p><p>At first, Jade thought commanding Saphir was a mistake, that it would make him dig his heels in farther. But Saphir nodded and said, “Alright. Be careful.”</p><p>“When am I ever not?” said Jade.</p><p>Saphir only gave him a last look like he was going off to war and left. Dramatic, that one.</p><p>Jade went to the porch and stood there, purposefully making himself a target. Nighttime chilled the air, the cold an electric shock to his skin. He pretended to adjust the banners by the windows and the lanterns on the columns, acting as a servant while his peripheral vision scanned for movement. Minutes passed. He knocked the lights askew, collected snow on his shoulders, memorized the patterns on the banners. A tinny ringing sound sprinkled in his ears. At first, he blamed the numbing effects of the cold. Then a red flash entered his periphery, reminding him of the rumors the guards whispered about- rumors of a red-haired man who bent sounds and performed miracles, last seen in Grand Chokmah. Jade walked away when he heard their conversations. Not that he doubted the rumors. He believed every one. He just didn’t want to hear them. Jade never expected to see Lorelei again. He wasn’t ready to and never would be.</p><p>He turned around. The red-haired man walked up the pathway towards him, the ringing sound quieting with each step. In Tataroo Valley, even from a distance, Jade knew he was not seeing Luke. Still, the resemblance in their faces struck him again. His mind started going blank, a feeling he kept buried for weeks underneath late nights of work. Shutting it out, he bowed on one knee, shedding the snow on his shoulders onto the ground. The motion stirred up the memory of interrogating Luke after capturing him on the Tartarus. His crystalline memory repeated Luke’s words: <em>“Didn’t anyone ever teach you to bow your head in respect when asking someone for a favor?” </em>What else could Jade do then but kneel before him just to annoy him?</p><p>
  <em>“Man, do you have any pride?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“None so cheap as to be shaken by something as petty as this, sir.”</em>
</p><p>Jade smiled at the irony, but he kept his voice even. “Lorelei. To what do I owe this honor?”</p><p>“Please, stand,” Lorelei said. “I apologize for following you. I merely wanted to speak with no one else around. His Majesty Emperor Peony sent me.”</p><p>Jade rose. “Emperor Peony? You saw him in Grand Chokmah, then?”</p><p>“Yes,” said Lorelei. “No need for worry; he is well, and everything is alright. He was searching for me. He wanted me to pass on a message to you.”</p><p>“I don’t understand,” said Jade. “Why would he ask that of you?”</p><p>“Because this is something only I can show you. He thought it might give you some peace.” Lorelei offered his hand. “I still possess Luke and Asch’s memories, and I can pass them on to you. It’s a bit like falling into a dream or a vision. It’s startling at first, but you’ll come out of it. Would you like to see?”</p><p><em>Peony, what are you thinking? </em>Jade suspected it had to do with their conversation before he left for Keterburg.</p><p>Whatever the reason, his decision wouldn’t change. He took Lorelei’s hand.</p><p>The vision spread across his sight, overtaking everything else. It <em>was</em> startling. He couldn’t tell where his existence began and where it blended into the memory. The closest to an out-of-body experience Jade ever got was a particularly long night of drinking in his twenties, and this came even closer. He saw the tips of Luke’s shoes dangling into a dark blue abyss and heard a mechanical hum. It took him a moment to piece together that the abyss was the sky, and Luke was sitting on the Albiore’s roof. He must be seeing through Luke’s eyes- this was his memory. In the distance, Eldrant hovered like a second moon, trying to eclipse the one already in the sky. This must be the night before their final battle. The world blurred as Luke’s line of sight moved to his left. Tear sat beside him, arms folded on her lap.</p><p>“You watched me this whole time, just like you promised,” Luke said.</p><p>Tear looked away. “You idiot. I’m going to keep on watching you, too.”</p><p>“You’re the idiot,” Luke said, not unkindly. “I’m going to disappear…”</p><p>Tear put a gloved finger to his lips, and his eyes crossed slightly to look at it. Jade saw a white blur.</p><p>She withdrew her hand. “It’s okay.”</p><p>“It’s weird,” Luke said. “I’m really happy right now. I have friends….and you…and I can finally think of myself as me. This is probably the happiest moment of my life.”</p><p>The world disappeared and reconfigured itself into the present. Jade readjusted to the feeling of his feet on the ground, his heart beating steadily. Either the memory ended there, or his own shock pulled him out of it. He let go of Lorelei’s hand, lost in his thoughts. The happiest moment of Luke’s life, when he knew he was about to die? It was absurd, but Jade understood. By that time, Luke finally saw himself as he was, saw the world as it was, as well as one person could. Coming to terms with the reality you’d spent your life denying hurt. You denied it for a reason. But after enough time passed, once you adjusted to the ugly things in the new reality, you saw the beautiful things, and those things were much more lovely than the bliss of ignorance.</p><p>“You gave him that moment, you know,” Lorelei said. “And all the happy ones before it.”</p><p>Jade used to wonder how any of Luke’s happy moments mattered when he suffered so much, when he died so horribly. Jade’s pursuit of fomicry research was something he <em>wanted </em>to do, but it also felt like a punishment, atonement for the suffering he caused, even though Luke wouldn’t want him to see it that way. In the face of all the terrible things in the world, the good things seemed so little. But hearing it from Luke himself, seeing that look of pure, real joy on his face, was different. Despite the terrible things, Luke still found happiness, and that felt enormous.</p><p><em>Peony, you sneaky bastard. </em>The emperor favored grand gestures, but this one outdid his past attempts. He knew Jade so well, it was a bit disturbing.</p><p>Lorelei’s arrival didn’t take away Jade’s guilt or grief. Not in that moment, not in years to come. But in time, the burden would feel lighter, the numbness in his mind would fade, and memories of Luke would make him smile.  </p><p>“Thank you,” Jade said. He could have asked to see more memories, and surely Lorelei would comply. He could stay here watching them forever, memorize the rhythms of Luke’s voice that were lost to time, the little inconsequential details that became precious once you’d lost someone. But what good would that do?</p><p>“They were the ones who saved Auldrant,” Jade said. “He and Asch.”</p><p>“They were,” Lorelei agreed.</p><p>“I apologize for the trouble, but could I ask something of you as well?</p><p>“I would be grateful to repay the debts of the ones who saved me.”</p><p>“Will you make sure people know what they did?” said Jade. “Will you tell their stories where you can?”</p><p>Lorelei smiled softly. “I would be honored."</p><hr/><p>Dist lay awake in bed long after he usually fell asleep, unable to stop listening for sounds of a fight outside. Hearing only silence began to concern him more, so he gave up trying to sleep and sat by the window, debating whether he should go after Jade. In truth, he was afraid to. If Jade told him to stay away, there must be something terrible out there, and what could he even do to help? He wasn’t a talented fighter or fonist.</p><p>Since he and Jade began studying the seventh fonon, danger bothered him less. People were replaceable, able to be replicated. When it came down to it, they were only compositions of fonons, only data, that could be manipulated. But right now, somehow, Jade didn’t feel replaceable, and it put him on edge. Even if he <em>could </em>replicate a human being, he’d promised Jade he wouldn’t. Unbidden, his thoughts drifted back to his dream the other night, to Nebilim, to the idea that his promise might not be temporary, that Jade would never see sense and change his mind. If Jade wasn’t replaceable, then Nebilim wasn’t, either.</p><p>Dist folded his hands on the windowsill, resting his head on them and trying to breathe. He definitely wasn’t getting any sleep tonight.</p><p>Footsteps in the hall alerted him, and he ran out. Jade was walking back to his room, unharmed. Seeing him calmed Dist’s nerves a little. He leaned against the doorframe, trying to appear steady. “Jade, what happened? What was it?”</p><p>Jade smiled mysteriously. “There was no threat. Simply a huge misunderstanding.”</p><p>Based on that smile, Dist suspected that might be code for, “A very graphic murder took place,” so he didn’t press farther.</p><p>“You should get some sleep,” Jade said, and started back to his room.</p><p>“I don’t know if I can,” Dist said.</p><p>Jade paused, then turned around. “I don’t know if it’s possible for me, either. Would you like to get a drink?”</p><p>“What, now?” Dist didn’t particularly feel like going out.</p><p>“Why not?” said Jade. “Tomorrow’s our day off, and we have quite a bit to celebrate. Nephry’s wedding, the completion of our first big project, getting through the year.”</p><p>“With me?” Dist asked. Jade and Peony often went out drinking, but never with him.</p><p>“Your company is marginally more interesting than drinking alone, I suppose. Besides, I’d like to see what’s become of the casino to make you frequent it so much. It must be quite amusing.”</p><p>Dist hadn’t returned to the casino since the time he heard about the traveling show. Not that he didn’t think about it. He thought about it so often it scared him. “What about the bar down the street from it?” What a stupid thing to be afraid of. Jade hadn’t been the least afraid to walk out into the dark and face what could have been a vicious serial killer or an adept fonic artist. Dist wished he could borrow that fearlessness, sling it around his shoulders and carry it with him everywhere. He used to hope being near Jade would help him absorb it through his skin. No such luck.</p><p>“That’s awfully suspicious,” said Jade. “What don’t you want me to see?” His tone remained light and joking, but Dist hated the idea of Jade still not trusting him.</p><p>“Alright, the casino it is.” Dist fished in his pocket for his key. He <em>did</em> need a drink, and he would rather not be alone tonight, even if he had to drag himself through the night. His heart sped up at the idea of a night with Jade. "How are we getting home, though?"</p><p>"We aren't going to drink ourselves out of our senses," said Jade. "We'll walk."</p><p>His heart stopped, present thoughts turning into memory. <em>You're supposed to walk me home.</em> He searched Jade's face for a hint of him noticing the same connection and saw nothing. He probably didn't remember it. That, or- of course- it didn't leave the same imprint on him that it had on Dist.</p><p>“You’re not going out in that, are you?” Jade asked. Dist looked down at the tattered pink robe he was wearing, becoming aware of it for the first time, and blushed. “Get a coat. I’ll meet you out here.”</p><p>They walked down the street in back-of-the-closet suits. They both seemed distracted by their own thoughts, but Dist pestered Jade with questions about past banquets, and Jade filled him in on the years he missed. By the time they reached the casino, they were laughing over scandalous stories of kings and governors and Peony’s missteps in flirting. Dist hadn’t expected to laugh again tonight.</p><p>Inside, Jade surveyed the ever-present crowd of dancers and raised his eyebrows. “I’m amazed. You weren’t embellishing a bit.”</p><p>Dist turned to Jade, wanting to ask him to dance, but Jade’s amber gaze set his heart fluttering again, and he lost the nerve, knowing he’d probably get rejected. “They’re good fun.”</p><p>“I’m sure you want to join them,” Jade said.</p><p>“Just for a song or two,” Dist said. Dancing might be what he needed; it made the world go away, made him forget everything else. “Grab me a margarita?” He took some Gald coins out of his pocket, hoping it was enough.</p><p>Jade took the coins. Dist savored the short moment that their hands touched, then turned to the crowd (realizing too late that Jade hadn’t said yes and was probably going to buy himself a second drink with Dist’s Gald.) Usually, he felt at ease here, could  melt into the crowd like he’d never left. Now he felt like an intruder. He scanned the crowd, hoping the stranger from before wasn’t here, or perhaps hoping he was. He spotted him partway across the room, laughing with someone. A woman turned to Dist and asked him to dance, and he accepted, glad for the distraction even if it came in a female form. He curated his steps, getting them as accurate and graceful as possible should Jade look his way and see him. The woman kept stepping on his toes, so it didn’t take much to make him look better. When the song ended, he gratefully spun away from her and ended up face to face with the stranger.</p><p>“Hi there.” The stranger kept his voice lowered as if talking to a wild animal that might bolt any moment. For good reason; Dist still felt like running off.</p><p>“Hi.” Trying to pretend the nervous flutter in his chest was from attraction, he took the man’s hands, guiding them to his waist. They could have spent the night not saying anything, letting touch speak messages lost in translation, but the unsaid words in the silence soon became more awkward than not talking about what happened.</p><p>“I’m sorry I ran off last time,” Dist said.</p><p>“It’s okay,” said the stranger. “I don’t know what you have going on, but it sounds like a lot.”</p><p>“So? When do you crazy-asses who are running away with the circus leave?”</p><p>“In a week and, uh, a day. What, are you reconsidering?”</p><p>Dist didn’t have to count the days to know when that was. “I couldn’t possibly. That’s only a day after the Grand Chokmah banquet.” <em>Thank Yulia. An excuse.</em></p><p>The stranger laughed. “Don’t tell me you’re going.”</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>If the stranger didn’t believe him, he played along well. “<em>How? </em>Who do you know?”</p><p>“I don’t need to know anyone. I <em>am </em>the somebody.”</p><p>“You just get more and more mysterious. I’m beginning to think I’ve stumbled upon a lost prince.” The man touched his nose to Dist’s.</p><p>“I’m not at liberty to say.” Dist rested his forehead against his.</p><p>When the stranger pulled back, he asked, “Can I at least have something to call you, even if it’s not your real name?”</p><p>The question should have been simple, but Dist hesitated. It felt like a choice.</p><p>Over the man’s shoulder, he saw Jade coming towards him with a pink margarita in hand. <em>He didn’t steal the Gald.</em></p><p>Dist thought of how it sounded when Nebilim used to say his name, how it sounded when Jade did.</p><p>He looked back to the stranger. “Saphir,” he said.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Analysis: "El Diablo” originally jumped out to me as an obvious reference to Jade’s devil child title, and in the end, Saphir literally spends an evening with him. Ultimately though, this chapter turned out to be more about both characters confronting their personal devils, or at least starting to. </p><p>On the Lorelei encounter: The memory Lorelei shows Jade is one of my favorite scenes in Abyss, isn't it lovely? Lorelei's abilities like passing on memories and warping sound are (obviously) my own invention, they were little details that emerged as I wrote!</p><p>We're almost at the finale, folks! I've been daydreaming about the final scenes ever since the story's conception, and I'm so excited to share it with you all :,)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. One Lonely Visitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In case you want some visuals to pair with the dance scene in this chapter...I've got you covered. I drew my inspiration mainly from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9cA9Z4bNzk&amp;list=PLMW7Nkd7OiZEcWytl1MW3nby0D4Cp58nu&amp;index=2"> this choreography to Bohemian Rhapsody</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zXfYygXX0I&amp;list=PLMW7Nkd7OiZEcWytl1MW3nby0D4Cp58nu&amp;index=1">this Romeo and Juliet performance</a>, and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOQHVvAeE7o&amp;list=PLMW7Nkd7OiZEcWytl1MW3nby0D4Cp58nu&amp;index=3">this interpretation of Danse Macabre!</a> The violin song you'll encounter is roughly based on Danse Macabre. </p><p>I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>“It’s time to wake up/ And </em> <em>separate feelings </em></p><p><em>I keep falling into</em> <em>”</em></p><p>Jade followed the soft piano notes echoing from the Grand Chokmah palace’s inner chambers. The dense crowd of royalty in the entrance hall, a rainbow of their homelands’ traditional garbs, chattered over the music while servants wove in between them with trays. He accepted a wineglass from a passing waiter with a nodded thanks; he needed it to get through tonight. Reentering a chaotic social gathering after months in quiet Keterburg jarred him. He hadn’t had a proper vacation in years, and he would rather spend it alone reading than surrounded by noisy, trashed world leaders. The ship ride to Grand Chokmah hadn’t been the calm reprieve he wanted. Saphir, squished next to him, kept bouncing in his seat in excitement and jostling him while he tried to read a pleasure book for once, a new text about fonon interaction. But he looked forward to seeing Peony, as well as his traveling companions- they hadn’t been in one place together since Tataroo Valley, although they’d exchanged letters. He wouldn’t mind dancing again after so many years, either. Some nights, when he was certain Saphir was asleep, he spun an invisible partner around his room, his body relearning the motions.</p><p>A former coworker waved to him, and they made polite small talk about the state of Grand Chokmah after the riot and operations in the palace. Then the door to their right burst open, and Saphir came sliding out of the room Peony set aside for him, wearing…</p><p>Jade’s gaze panned from the purple jewels around Saphir’s throat to the pink slippers on his feet. His lips curved in a smile. “Oh, my. Apparently, you still <em>can</em> surprise me.”</p><p>“Unlike you,” Saphir said. “I can’t believe you chose something so <em>basic</em>…” His gaze took multiple trips up and down Jade’s suit, betraying his words. It was his best suit, inky dark blue with a red tie. A red ribbon pinned up his hair, and he wore thin, flat shoes convertible for dancing.</p><p>The coworker gave Saphir a wary look, stumbled out an excuse about having to meet up with his wife, and left. Saphir seemed momentarily distraught, but Jade motioned to him, and he perked up, running to Jade’s side. Jade anticipated such a reaction from other people; due to Saphir’s reputation, the world wasn’t ready to welcome him back into society. Nobody realized they weren’t seeing the same person they knew two and a half years ago. Jade didn’t know exactly who this person next to him was, and he didn’t think Saphir knew either. But he was a different man than the one who came to work with him several months ago.</p><p>A tunneled hallway led them to the inner chambers. The great hall was a chiaroscuro painting drawn by the dim chandelier lights above, the dancers’ shadows spinning around them. Long tables bordered the walls, covered with neon red punch bowls, tiered trays of food, and in the middle, a chocolate fountain sculpted to resemble the fountains outside the palace. Beside him, Saphir bounced on his toes.</p><p>Peony emerged from the crowd, wearing blue and gold robes, clattering with bronze jewelry. He threw his arms up and shouted to no one, “Here they are!”</p><p>Jade shook his head. “Intoxicated so early, Your Majesty?”</p><p>“I’m just getting started.” He clapped a hand on Saphir’s shoulder. “Look at you! You’re as pretty as the ladies. A few more and I’ll be all over you.”</p><p>Saphir brushed him off, shuddering dramatically. “I’d rather kiss one of your filthy rappigs.”</p><p>“Hey, they’re cleaner than you’ll ever be, I bathe them twice a day,” Peony said.</p><p>“Are you insinuating that I don’t bathe twice a-" A servant whisked past carrying a towering shrimp tray. Saphir’s eyes lit up. “I’ve never seen that much shrimp in one place…” He ran after the servant, grabbing at the orange tails dangling off the tray.</p><p>“Well, that was convenient,” Jade said. “I was hoping to speak to you alone. I have to thank you, Your Majesty. I got your message.” Hopefully Peony wasn’t drunk enough to forget discretion and blurt out something about the aggregate sentience of Seventh Fonons in a crowded room.</p><p>Peony gave him the same look he used to deliver from across Nebilim’s classroom, one hinting at a shared secret, and Jade relaxed. “I’m guessing it was to your liking?” Peony asked.</p><p>“Very much so.”</p><p>Peony smirked.</p><p>“You’re quite proud of yourself, aren’t you?” said Jade.</p><p>“How could I not be?” Peony said.</p><p>Jade shrugged. “I suppose your forethought requires a little more credit than you’re given by your subjects.”</p><p>“Aw, you’re as mean as Saphir…”</p><p>Peony caught him up on which “incompetent bastards” stole his job when he left for Keterburg. A voice joined the orchestra: high, melodic, one Jade recognized. At the front of the room, Tear stood behind a podium, eyes closed, a slight smile lisping her notes.</p><p>Peony grinned. “You’ll get to say hello to her at her intermission. The rest of your friends are all here, they can’t be too far apart. I’ll let you go find them. You can talk to me any old time.”</p><p>“Thank you, Your Majesty,” said Jade.</p><p>“And stop calling me that!” Peony melted into the crowd, turning to the nearest woman on the dance floor.</p><p>Jade spotted Anise and Natalia first, by the tables. Natalia, who wore a shimmery cerulean dress, held a wine glass high above Anise’s head. Anise, in a painfully bright yellow dress, jumped to catch it. Natalia moved it out of the way, spilling wine on Anise’s head. “Anise, you’re still underage!”</p><p>“As if I haven’t already tried it!” said Anise. “Can’t I have any fun? You could pretend to be my legal guardian-”</p><p>Jade came up behind them, employing his most ominous voice. “Don’t make me throw you out of here, young lady.”</p><p>Anise spun around. “Colonel!” She threw her arms around his waist. Startled, he patted her back awkwardly. Natalia shoved the wineglass on the table and hurried to hug Jade’s side, her arms crisscrossing over Anise’s.</p><p>Anise let go first. “You feel so much less ripped now. Have you been sitting around too much?”</p><p>“Of course not. You simply lose muscle mass when you become an old man like me.” He wasn’t <em>that </em>out of shape. He could probably still outrun her. “How about you? Are you working yourself too hard with the new Order?”</p><p>“Sort of.” Anise lowered her voice. “This is <em>teeeeechnically</em> still confidential Order information, but the current Fon Master is an actual old man, so he’s preparing for the next transition in power. You didn’t hear it from me, but there’s supposedly, apparently, a rumor that he’s chosen me to train as the next Fon Master.”</p><p>“You’re just waiting for him to die, aren’t you?” Jade said. Natalia gasped, and Anise whacked him with her sleeve. “I’m merely joking. My deepest congratulations, Anise.” Though others may have called her pursuit of the Fon Master rank a child’s dream, Jade never doubted her. He’d seen her determination. “And so soon. You must have trained hard.”</p><p>“To be fair, there’s less required of the position these days,” Anise said. “I don’t have to read the Score or anything. But I think someone who can beat the former God-Generals has a right to the title.”</p><p>“She’s been waiting for someone to ask her that all night,” Natalia sniffed, though she beamed at Anise.</p><p>“And you, Natalia?” Jade asked. </p><p>“We’re enjoying the peace in Baticul,” Natalia said. “Aunt Susanne hasn’t fallen ill in months, and Father and Duke Fabre are well. Lately, I’ve been at the center of passing new legislation about the state of replica citizenship. It doesn’t feel like enough, it never does, but we’ve done what we can-” She cut off at a familiar scream behind Jade. Someone bumped into his back, and he turned calmly.</p><p>Guy, wearing a familiar bartending suit, stumbled and caught himself, jolting upright. “I’m sorry, sir, I- Jade? Hold on.” He turned to the woman brushing past him. “I’m sorry, it’s nothing personal, it’s just…” She didn’t look back.</p><p>Guy put a hand behind his head. “Damn…”</p><p>“I assume she tried to dance with you?” said Jade.</p><p>“Yeah…I thought I could handle it, but some days are worse than others,” Guy said. He dodged Anise, who had snuck around his back, trying to grab him from behind.</p><p>“So it goes,” Jade said. “Has the prototype been finished?” Last time Jade saw him, he was working on a new warplane design for the Grand Chokmah military.</p><p>“It has! We worked out the aerodynamics issues we were stuck on, and then…” Guy launched into an unnecessarily long explanation of the plane’s new features. Once he registered the glazed-over looks on their faces, he stopped and asked, “What about you, Jade?”</p><p>“Yeah, how is working with <em>Dist?</em>” Anise said.</p><p>“As awful as you can imagine,” Jade lied. “Although he’s now going by his birth name.” He explained their progress until the vocals and music stopped, replaced by applause. At the podium, Tear blushed, bowed awkwardly, and mouthed “Thank you,” before hurrying off. Anise waved to her, and she changed her path, cutting towards them.</p><p>Natalia put a hand on her arm. “You sound incredible, Tear!”</p><p>Anise leaned on her other arm. “You sound like an angel.”</p><p>Tear’s cheeks turned deep sunset colors. “Thank you. I was a little uncertain when His Majesty asked me to perform in front of so many people, but I couldn’t turn down an emperor.” She smiled at Jade. “Hello, Colonel.”</p><p>The orchestra took up a fast cello song. Loud laughter spilled from the dance floor, and Anise stared into the writhing crowd. “I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna dance.”</p><p>“I’d quite like to dance as well,” Natalia said. “It’s been since Baticul’s last ball.”</p><p>“Come on!” Anise dragged her onto the floor.</p><p>“I don’t know if that’s for me tonight,” Guy said, backing away towards the tables.</p><p>Jade offered her his hand to Tear.</p><p>“I’m not a very good dancer,” Tear said.</p><p>“I’m not in perfect form, myself. Follow my lead.” Jade slid his hands around her elbows, leading her in a slow sway- less an actual dance and more a vehicle for conversation. “So, have you returned to the military?”</p><p>“I keep telling myself I’m going to, but I never can make myself,” Tear said. “I never thought I would be one to enjoy rest, but…” Jade nodded before she finished her sentence. Their journey was harder on her, perhaps, than anyone else. “I feel like I have to do something useful, though, so I’ve been working in the Yulia City medical ward. I intended to be a healer to assist the doctors, but the children have roped me into singing hymns and nursery rhymes for them.”</p><p>“I can’t picture you singing nursery rhymes,” said Jade.</p><p>“Neither could I, but they kept begging,” Tear said. “I don’t mind. It calms them down.”</p><p>“That kind of work is hardly rest, Tear.”</p><p>She shrugged. “I suppose not.”</p><p>Jade put a hand on her back, pivoting them in a new direction. She fixated on mimicking his steps. Jade lowered his voice. “I hope you don’t mind me saying this now, but…I wanted thank you for giving Luke the happiest moment of his life.”</p><p>Tear’s gaze ricocheted up from his shoes, her body going still. “How do you know that?”</p><p>Jade heard the implication she was too polite to say. “I assure you, I was not eavesdropping. I’d be happy to tell you later tonight, once the night is quieter.”</p><p>“Yes. Please.” Tear began to sway again. “I want to thank you, too. For giving him the chance to exist. Before I met him, I didn’t have much faith left in humanity. In fact, upon first meeting him, I lost even more faith in humanity.” Jade laughed. “But in the end, what we all went through, watching him become a better person…it changed my life for the better.”</p><p>“Likewise,” Jade said.</p><p>Silence fell, the orchestra preparing for their next song. A young man approached and asked Tear to dance. She seemed unsure how to respond, but Jade gave her an encouraging nod, and she accepted. He retreated to the tables, pouring himself more wine. Secretly, he wished someone would ask him to dance; the small taste of it made him want more, preferably with someone who knew what they were doing.</p><p>A man in green and yellow Malkuthian robes approached him. “Colonel Curtiss?”</p><p>Jade wondered if he was about to get the invitation he wanted, but then the man said, “I’m Dr. Baltic, an editor of the Grand Chokmah Review.” Jade’s senses perked up. The Grand Chokmah Review was the first place he and Saphir sent their article.</p><p>“Oh? It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Hoping that would be the truth, Jade shook his hand. Most likely, he was here to deliver Jade a polite dismissal, the backhanded compliments so common in the field, or perhaps rip off the polite mask off and pick apart nonexistent flaws in his research methods.</p><p>“I read the article you co-wrote with Dr. Gneiss,” said Dr. Baltic. “I planned on sending you a formal letter, of course, but since you’re here, I’ll tell you now, I liked it very much.”</p><p>“Is that so?” Jade said.</p><p>“Your subject is unique. Ahead of its time, even. I can’t promise you anything, but I have high hopes for it. We plan on sending it out for peer review within the next week.”</p><p>Jade wanted to say that treating replicas like human beings wasn’t “ahead of its time,” but he didn’t dare stir the waters. “Thank you very much, sir. I’m honored.”</p><p>“We’re glad you’ve returned to fomicry research,” Dr. Baltic said.</p><p>“May I ask about the fomicry research the Grand Chokmah Institute is pursuing these days?” said Jade.</p><p>Dr. Baltic described their past several weeks for him. What Jade heard piqued his interest, and he could have listened for much longer had someone not summoned Dr. Baltic from across the room. Once he turned his back, Jade raised his finger for a waiter and accepted another wineglass from him. He toasted the final glass on the tray with a smile and tilted his glass back against his lips. Nothing was official yet, but this was progress. Nephry’s encouragement held some truth. Good Yulia, he had to tell her she was right <em>again. </em>Not that he minded.</p><p>Jade took another swig of wine. He felt much more like celebrating tonight.</p><hr/><p>Saphir giggled while his dance partner, a minor Kimlascan noble, spun him around. Though he appeared drunk, he only owed ten percent of his levity to the punch dripping through his bloodstream and the remaining ninety to the adrenaline he got from the sound, the dancing, the attention.</p><p>“You have a sexy laugh,” said the noble.</p><p>“I know,” said Saphir.</p><p>The noble shoved his body against Saphir’s, knocking their hipbones together like mismatched puzzle pieces forced into each other- technically inappropriate for a formal banquet, but Peony took “formal” loosely. Saphir remembered he hadn’t located Jade in the last half hour and looked over the noble’s shoulder. He spotted Jade several paces away, talking to a woman with fingerfuls of rings. She pulled him into the crowd. Saphir’s heart sank, and he buried his face against his partner’s neck to stop himself from watching, closing his eyes and biting into it. The noble gasped, digging his fingers into Saphir’s dress. He tried sinking into the thrill of being wanted, the delicious pressure of the noble’s fingertips, but the urge to look up again pushed at him, growing so strong he couldn’t ignore it. He slotted his head atop the noble’s shoulder, opening his eyes. Jade had his arms on the woman’s waist, saying something he couldn’t hear. She giggled, stroking a hand down his arm, and he abruptly stopped talking.</p><p>The noble smeared a hand across Saphir’s back. His motion coincided perfectly with Saphir’s frustrated whine, and the noble took it as encouragement, slipping his hand lower. The woman’s hand rose to Jade’s chin, starting to cup his face. Saphir almost closed his eyes again, but the uncomfortable look on Jade’s face stopped him.</p><p>
  <em>That bitch. </em>
</p><p>Saphir disentangled himself from the noble without looking at him. “I’m sorry. I have to see to something.”</p><p>The noble staggered. “What- wait! Where are you going?”</p><p>Saphir shoved through the crowd, ignoring their protests. Jade was trying to discreetly pull away from the woman while she leaned in towards him, clearly trying to be polite; he’d backed up nearly to the edge of the dancefloor. Aching to smack her hand away, Saphir cleared his throat and walked up to them. “<em>Honey, </em>what’s going on here?”</p><p>The woman lowered her hands, glancing between the two of them. “Oh. Oh my Yulia, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…Um. I’m going to go now.” She hurried away.</p><p>Jade put a hand to his temple. “Goodness…you know it’s not proper for partners to break apart in the middle of a dance. And now, of all things, she thinks that you and I…! You certainly know how to make a bad situation worse.”</p><p>Saphir huffed. “I didn’t make it worse. You clearly didn’t want her to- I saved you. You’re supposed to thank me.”</p><p>“Alright, then. Thank you, <em>sweetie pie.”</em></p><p>Saphir grimaced. “Ew, Jade! That sounds just <em>foul </em>coming from you.” Not even in his farthest-out daydreams could he conceive Jade saying those words.</p><p>Jade smiled victoriously. Being under his stare knocked Saphir’s temporary courage out of him, and he looked down, unsure what to say. The song ended, turning the silence between them heavier.</p><p>Jade said, “Well, while you’re here, would you like to dance?”</p><p>Saphir’s gaze snapped back to Jade. He never expected Jade to ask him, and no amount of alcohol made it any easier to get up the courage.</p><p>He tried to smooth out his reply, not wanting to sound too eager. “Sure. I guess.” He reached for Jade’s hand- no, Jade didn’t want that, he would smack it away. He withdrew his hand- dammit, what else was he supposed to do? He reached out again. Hesitated.</p><p>“Oh, stop being so awkward,” Jade said, grabbing his hand and dragging him to an open space. Soft violin chords swirled through the air, a familiar opening. Saphir’s nerves jumped, conditioned to react to this song since dancing in Nebilim’s school. It was Jade’s favorite, though, because it meant lots of lifts. Lots of chances to whip Saphir around and add surprise moves where they didn’t exist. A wonder he never ended up with whiplash and broken limbs.</p><p>“This is perfect for you tonight.” Jade motioned to Saphir’s outfit. “Do you remember the steps?”</p><p>“I think so.” His memory nearly rivaled Jade’s, especially when it came to dancing. “Let me lead.”</p><p>Jade raised one hand over his head as if casting an arte, getting into position. “There’s no way you could lift me.” True, damn him. No way around it. Saphir would rather suffer through the shitshow to come than not dance with Jade.</p><p>He crept towards Jade, touching a foot down in time with every note in a pattern that he hoped looked calculated and graceful. He lifted himself onto tiptoe to put their heads at the same height and whispered, “Don’t you dare drop me.”</p><p>“Surely you must have more faith in my skill than that,” Jade said, wine on his breath. He slipped a hand around Saphir’s back, his grip careful and practiced, like helping someone learn how to swim. The touch would have distracted Saphir if his brain weren’t fixated on remembering the steps. He dug his fingers into Jade’s arm.</p><p>At the first discordant screech from a violin, Jade dipped him backwards as if dunking him underwater. Saphir’s head rushed, the air vibrating against his skin. With each seesawing note, Jade dipped him up and down again, faster and lower each time the tempo sped up. Jade took more care than when they were children, not letting Saphir’s neck snap back, but when he brought him up for the last time, the world was still a blur of color and motion. Flute whispered through the air. Jade lifted Saphir’s arm over his head. Sucking in a grateful breath of still air to slow the world down, he spun beneath Jade’s hand. Jade wound their arms around each other like intertwining vines, drawing Saphir in to his chest. They unwound, came together, unwound, came together.</p><p>He put an arm around Jade’s shoulder, tensing his core muscles. Jade reached around to grab his waist. Saphir pushed off the ground, giving Jade the momentum to lift him and swing him around. People backed away to avoid getting whacked by his legs, some stopping to watch. He crooked his knees, and Jade slid a hand underneath them, cradling him against his chest. Saphir leaned his head against him, hearing him humming the quickening tempo under his breath, keeping time. Jade thumped him to the ground, moving to his right side and grabbing his right arm before he could lose his balance. Saphir kicked his leg up into arabesque. Jade walked around him in a circle, pivoting him around the axis of his tiptoed foot. His foot slipped at the last second, an errant clock hand dragging in a circle on the ground. A few times, he felt Jade’s balance waver, too, but Jade was still unfairly graceful; he <em>must </em>be lying when he said he hadn’t practiced since the last banquet. Jade’s eyes held the same concentrated look as when he was deep in work, and Saphir lost himself in the turns, the positions, the sensation of flying he craved, forgetting his burning calves.</p><p>The music built to a crescendo. Jade spun away from him, and he considered running the opposite direction to avoid the finale, but the thrill of the watching crowd convinced him otherwise. Instead, he skipped after him, then turned around and launched himself backwards. Jade caught him around the ribs, lifted him over his head, and spun him recklessly. Lights and faces merry-go-rounded past him. Jade whooshed him back down, his hands around Saphir’s waist the only thing grounding him. The impact of his feet on the floor traveled up through his body to his already-rushing head, and he drooped backwards into his final position, swinging a weak arm over his head.</p><p>The people standing in a ring around them clapped and whistled. He picked out a drunken whoop from Peony and a giggle from Anise. Jade let go of him, and he threw up his arms, laughing. A few tears sprouted in his eyes, and he told himself it was from laughing so hard, not because the little boy who wanted nothing more than to be recognized, to be told he was incredible, was now a man standing before an applauding crowd. Certainly not.</p><p>Natalia stepped forward. “Wow, Colonel. You never told me you could dance!”</p><p>“It wasn’t relevant information,” Jade said, voice unstrained even after all that exertion.</p><p>“He never told you?” said Peony. “Allow me to fill you in on how this all came to be, the youthful days when this man’s body could bend <em>way </em>farther than that…”</p><p>“I can tell this story myself, Your Majesty,” Jade said, but Natalia was already listening to Peony intently, eyes gleaming.</p><p>Anise popped up in front of Saphir. “D- Saphir! I’d seen you flip around on that chair of yours, but I had no idea you could do <em>that.” </em>She waved to Jade. “One more! You have to do one more!<em>”</em></p><p>Jade detached his attention from Peony. “I’m not so sure I can handle that. I am so much less <em>ripped, </em>after all.”</p><p>Saphir turned to Jade, adrenaline keeping his tired body awake. “Can we? Please?”</p><p>“Please please please?” Anise clasped her hands, blinking her eyes up at him, and Saphir followed suit.</p><p>“Anything to stop you two from doing that.” Jade took Saphir’s hands. “Let’s see if we recognize this one. If not, we’ll make something up.” Saphir wasn’t eager for Jade to “make something up,” but he nodded.</p><p>A piano began weeping. A slowdance song.</p><p>Anise laughed behind her hand, scooting back to give them space. Saphir blushed.</p><p>Jade sighed. “I swear to…” He cupped Saphir’s elbows and moved him in a lazy sway. Without complicated moves to distract him, his entire body became aware of Jade’s touch- his brain the last to catch up, unable to believe this was reality. He struggled not to start trembling. Anise watched wide-eyed until Jade shot her a look, and whatever she saw in his eyes made her scramble away.</p><p>Saphir kicked at Jade’s shoe. “Jade, that dance was…” Unable to stay upset, he giggled. “Amazing.”</p><p>He meant the feeling, not the performance, but Jade said, “I don’t know about amazing. You’re quite rusty.”</p><p>“One, so are you,” Saphir said. “Your pivot on that last lift was garbage. Two, I’ll have you know that I was asked to join a traveling show-” <em>Dammit. </em>Why did he say that?</p><p>“As one of the circus animals?” said Jade.</p><p>Saphir kicked him again. “As a dancer.”</p><p>“Don’t worry,” Jade said. “I already know.”</p><p>“You <em>know</em>?” Saphir said. “How?”</p><p>“I heard more of your conversation in the casino than you seem to think. I’m curious why you haven’t told me already. Given your ego, I expected you would never shut up about it.”</p><p>“Because I’m not going. Duh. I’m working with you already.”</p><p>Jade shrugged his shoulders, moving Saphir’s arms up and down with them. “I would let you go.”</p><p>“<em>What?</em>”</p><p>“I know your heart’s not in this particular kind of fomicry research,” Jade said. “Not that I blame you. I would be the same, in another situation. If someone wanted my expertise to study the liquefaction of Auldrant’s core, even if it were beneficial to the planet, I would be quite bored.”</p><p>Saphir’s heart leapt- which scared him, so he shut the feeling out. “Working with fon machines is what I want to do with my life. I couldn’t leave it.”</p><p>“Of course not,” said Jade. “Fon machines are in your blood. You could never leave them forever. Just think of this as a reprieve. I’ve been many things, myself. A colonel. A scientist. Almost a coroner.”</p><p>“I already told them I’m not coming,” said Saphir.</p><p>“You may have to go back on your word,” Jade said. “Because I had Emperor Peony arrange a ship for you, and Nephry will be putting your belongings on it. It leaves from the Grand Chokmah harbor tomorrow morning, so I hope you aren’t too hungover.”</p><p>“You did <em>what? </em>Why would you…” <em>Why would you care what I want when you never have before? </em>“Are you that eager to get rid of me?”</p><p>“That would be a benefit, yes.” Jade smirked. “But when your heart’s not completely in something, it’s easy to be sloppy, as I’ve seen from you. I can’t afford that.”</p><p>“Liar. Everything I’ve built you is a masterpiece.” Saphir shook his head. “This doesn’t make any sense. You asked me to do this. You wanted me to ‘atone for my sins’.” He wanted to spit the words like they left a vile taste on his tongue, like he found them ridiculous, but he found that he couldn’t.</p><p>“When has one ever done that?” Jade asked. “When can you say with any certainty that you’re absolved? For someone who thinks himself above that abstract foolishness, I don’t know why I couldn’t understand that sooner. I am no worthy judge of character. But I trust that now, you would not make the same decisions.”</p><p>“I promised you I wouldn’t.” He still hoped that Jade might someday change his mind about reviving Professor Nebilim, didn’t want his years of work to be for nothing. But for now, he was okay with letting that dream rest.</p><p>What did that mean?</p><p>“I believe you,” Jade said.</p><p>“What would you do if I left?” Saphir asked. “Where would you go?”</p><p>“Work for Grand Chokmah, probably. It seems they’re a bit more amenable to my views on replicas since the last time we exchanged words. Perhaps Peony has finally been able to make changes in its leadership. Dr. Baltic is here. He found me not long ago to tell me he’s sending our article to reviewers.”</p><p>Saphir laughed. “See? I told you someone would. Especially with my name on it. Say I was right. Say it.”</p><p>Jade ignored him. “It will be much more practical. Better resources, better funding.”</p><p>Saphir readied himself to keep pestering Jade to validate him, but the look that briefly flickered through Jade’s eyes knocked the words from his mind. “Wait. You don’t really want me to leave.”</p><p>Jade frowned. “I never said that.”</p><p>Saphir wanted to promise that he would stay. How could he leave when Jade finally wanted him here? He didn’t want to give Jade up to Peony, where they would laugh about him, where Peony would come to know him better than Saphir did. He wanted to wake up and see Jade every morning, to make sure he wasn’t overworking himself, wanted Jade to keep looking at him like that. But the kind of life he wanted right now wasn’t one he could have beside Jade, and he didn’t know how to reconcile that. He wanted something different; wanted the addictive sensation of flying while he danced; wanted to travel Auldrant in beautiful outfits; wanted people to watch him, captivated. And he was exhausted. Of how badly he wanted to slide his arms around Jade’s waist right now, every moment they sat inches apart and not being able to touch Jade burned him up inside. Of the endless cycle: they’d fight, and Saphir would go back to hating him, then forgiving him, then hating himself for forgiving him.</p><p>“Do you need me to formally fire you, Saphir?” said Jade. “Is that what it will take?”</p><p>The song ended. Jade let go of him, and the cold on his palms struck him.</p><p>“It wouldn’t be forever,” said Saphir.</p><p>“Yes. I suspect we’ll work together in the future.”</p><p>He caught Jade’s hands, giving him a sad smile. “Thank you.” He had so much more to say. That he wanted this dance and the next and the next. That he wanted to spend every minute with Jade before he had to leave.</p><p>He got the first part of his wish, at least, when the orchestra began a new song. Jade made a show of rolling his eyes and sighing, but he didn’t let go.</p><p>Saphir tilted his head. “Professor Nebilim used to play this one for us.”</p><p>“You’re right,” Jade said. “It’s a common one.”</p><p>It was lovely- a soft piano song accompanied by violin, an ancient fonic hymn never used in battle, one that those who weren’t Seventh Fonists could understand. He remembered hearing Nebilim play it for the first time when Peony complained that all her B minor songs sounded too sad. <em>“It doesn’t have to,”</em> she told Peony, still looking at Saphir. Her eyes held the joy of a mother introducing a child to a new piece of the world. She took his hand in hers and placed it on a white key.</p><p>She was right. The song sounded calm and wistful, not sad. So why was his throat constricting?</p><p>“What is it?” Jade said.</p><p>“I feel terrible,” he said. “It’s not that I don’t want her back. But I…” <em>I don’t want the past. </em>He didn’t want the old him or the old Jade. He wanted this moment, Jade’s arms soft around his elbows, his voice low, devoid of any of its old sharpness, looking at Saphir not with indifference, but like he <em>wanted</em> to be looking at him.</p><p>Jade startled slightly, and then his expression dulled into something tired and distant, perhaps the closest he could get to tearing up. “You can let it go now, Saphir. She would want you to.”</p><p>The look in Jade’s eyes made the guilt that he was so happy right now, could be happy without Nebilim and conceive of a future without her, more real. His eyes watered, and he started to break free from Jade’s grip, unsure where he was going, just away, anywhere Jade couldn’t find him, couldn’t see him like this. But Jade’s voice didn’t carry the demeaning tone it used to when Saphir cried in front of him; he wasn’t laughing at Saphir’s shaking hands; and he hadn’t walked away.</p><p>Saphir leaned into Jade’s chest and wrapped his arms around his waist, letting out the ragged breath trapped in his lungs. Jade stiffened, hesitating. Then he gently put a hand on the back of Saphir’s head, pressing Saphir’s face into his collar to hide it from the crowd and muffle his soft sobs. His other hand rested on Saphir’s back, and he began to rock Saphir back and forth in a pattern that anyone watching could interpret as a slow sway to the music. The motion soothed him, and he clung to the steady metronome of Jade’s heart against his cheek, feeling the fabric around it grow damp. Nothing comforted him more than Jade's presence, and he wished he knew how to comfort Jade, to take that look out of his eyes.</p><p>Saphir didn’t notice the song had long ended and a new one, a soft cello score, begun until his lungs were hollow and empty. <em>She would want you to. </em>He wanted to believe Jade, if only for his own selfish reasons. Drawing a steadying breath, he shifted to rest his cheek against Jade’s chest. The impossibility of the moment caught up to him, and his heartbeat outpaced Jade's. His arms ached, but he held Jade closer, wishing he could stay here for the rest of the night. </p><p>Jade slid the hand on the back of his head down to meet the other hand on his back. “You remember how Peony used to sneak into Nebilim’s classroom through the window?”</p><p>Saphir blinked. “What are you going on about?”</p><p>“One morning, she came in while I was leaning out the window to help him up, and she ran over to stop me. She got the brilliant idea to grab me around the waist, and she succeeded not in pulling me off the ledge but pulling my pants off.”</p><p>Saphir laughed, forcing leftover tears out of his eyes. He pulled back to look at Jade. “Why have I never heard about this?”</p><p>“Why would I tell you? It was quite embarrassing. Not even Peony knows what actually happened.”</p><p>Saphir felt a triumphant prickle that he had information Peony didn't. And at the slight pink in Jade’s cheeks. “You’re blushing.”</p><p>“You’re covered in snot.”</p><p>Saphir’s face heated, and he swiped a hand beneath his nose. “What did she do?”</p><p>“She covered her eyes, said, ‘Jade, what the hell,’ and made me get out.”</p><p>“She did <em>not </em>say that.”</p><p>“That was the day after I burst the pipes with the fourth fonon,” said Jade. “Yulia knows how she had any patience for me left.”</p><p>“She was endlessly patient.” Saphir began to ask why Jade chose now of all times to tell him that story, then felt the faint smile on his face, and it became obvious. <em>He just wanted to cheer me up.</em></p><p>“Jade?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I need to tell you something, and I need you to not say anything back.”</p><p>“That sounds like a trap. You’re going to say something horrible, aren’t you?”</p><p>Saphir looked down. “It might be horrible to you.”</p><p>“Alright, you’ve got me curious. Go ahead, then.”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Saphir began pulling away from him before he could do it first, wanting to look in his eyes but terrified of what he would find there. He felt a deep release, bringing breath to the words that never made it past his mind, but also a terrible fear, because now they weren’t just in his imagination; a desire to take it back and play it off as a joke. The song faded out. He trailed his arm over Jade’s, memorizing the feeling of his skin, trying to ease himself into letting go. Jade crooked his fingers underneath Saphir’s, keeping them from sliding off.</p><p>“Saphir-”</p><p>“I told you not to say anything-”</p><p>“It feels like I’m meeting you for the first time.”</p><p>Saphir paused. Smirked and curled his thumb underneath Jade’s hand, shaking it. “Hello, Jade.”</p><p>“Hello, Saphir.” Jade flattened his fingers.</p><p>Saphir dropped his hand and walked away. Tear began to sing an ancient Ispanian hymn. His face must be a mess; he made his way towards the bathroom to fix himself up. Leftover warmth from Jade’s body still clung to his dress, fading while he wound through the crowd. Once he was far enough away, he looked back. Anise danced with Jade, the overhead lights haloing them.</p><p>Someone grabbed his hand, and he jumped and whipped around. Peony. <em>Great. </em>The last person who needed to see his red eyes. He tried wrenching out of Peony’s grasp, but then Peony said, “I assume you heard about your ship tomorrow morning.”</p><p>“Yes. I did.”</p><p>“Aww. No thank you for me?” Peony shook him in a motion you could hardly call dancing. “You’ll get to do<em> this</em> for a living every day. No paperwork. I’m jealous.”</p><p>In the distance, Anise twirled under Jade’s hand, giggling.</p><p>Saphir asked, “Did you ever love anybody more than Nephry?”</p><p>Peony flinched at her name, then relaxed and tossed his arms up. “Nah. Not really. But I’m enjoying being a bachelor for now- or maybe forever, that’d be pretty sweet. But who knows what’s gonna happen in the future?” Saphir considered rubbing Nephry’s remarriage in Peony’s face, but tonight, he didn’t feel like it. Peony took his shoulders, steering him the other direction, and lowered his voice. “I’m only saying this because it would piss Jade off, but he cares about you in his…weird Jade way. Like he does for me and Nephry. He’s just too proud to say it.”</p><p>Saphir thought back to Jade’s hand on his head. Warmth sprouted in his chest, and he giggled. “You’re right. He’d get so upset.” The song ended, and he let Peony’s hand go.</p><p>Peony caught his arm. “Do <em>not</em> tell him.”</p><p>“I’m not! I’m just going to wash my face-”</p><p>Peony released him, crossing his arms. “I’ll be watching you this entire night. I also reserve the right to have my guards keep an eye on you to make sure you <em>do not repeat that.”</em></p><p>“Have fun getting a faceful of someone’s hand up this skirt, then,” Saphir said. “I’m very popular tonight.”</p><p>Peony gathered up a handful of his robe and screamed into it.</p><p>Saphir winked and bounced away.</p><hr/><p>Night descended into the early hours of the morning. Jade sat in the corner for hours, talking with his old traveling companions. Anise kept unsuccessfully trying to smuggle information from him about what he and Saphir were doing on the dance floor (“It looked like you were suffocating him!”) Tear crouched over Peony, who lay face down complaining of the room spinning. Her lips traced the words of a healing arte. He and Anise watched in amusement. Eventually, Natalia convinced Guy to dance hands-free, which ended in both of them awkwardly grooving in front of each other. Not that it looked any better than the thin crowd scattered across the dance floor; their dancing had turned into drunken stumbling. The group drooped with exhaustion, but no one wanted the night to end, to go their separate ways for who knew how many years. Soon, Yulia willing, Jade would call this palace home again, but he would miss Keterburg. He would miss working somewhere quiet and not being told what to do, Nephry’s laugh, walks in the snow.</p><p>A familiar pink flash returned his gaze to the dance floor, where Saphir danced with a Malkuthian man. <em>I love you. </em>Jade didn’t know what to do with that. But he knew he would also miss the background clanking of Saphir working on a machine, his excited noises when it began to hum and whir. Could already imagine the long, exaggerated letters about how incredible his last performance was. Wanted to watch him reinvent himself. But he knew what Peony told him when they discussed summoning him a ship was true: Saphir needed time away from him, to experience something that didn’t revolve around Jade, to separate his feelings from him, to see the bigger picture of the world around him.</p><p>Though his gaze only lingered a second, Saphir caught him watching. When the music faded out, he said goodbye to the man on his arm and approached Jade, stopping a fair distance away.</p><p>“Saphir, you should get some sleep before you leave,” Jade said.</p><p>Saphir looked up, eyes still shimmery with the afterglow of tears. “I will. But I came here to enjoy tonight, and hell if I’m going to bed early.” He offered a hand. “Can we dance? One last time?”</p><p>Jade looked around. Guy and Natalia were still dancing despite the music’s absence. Behind him, Tear hummed her incantation and Peony mumbled into the floor while Anise watched with a hand over her mouth. Still time to give them a proper goodbye when they converged again, still time to speak with Tear.</p><p>Jade got up and went to him, placing his hand on top of Saphir’s.</p><p>“Yes,” Jade said. “I would like that.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And roll credits :,)</p><p>First, the story/song analysis. I planned One Lonely Visitor around the idea that it referenced Saphir realizing he had to leave Jade, but the chapter also became about Saphir separating his feelings surrounding Nebilim. </p><p>Second, the Oscars speech, because I'm emo. I can’t believe we’re at the end! It makes me sad to say goodbye to this story, but I’m also so happy because of all of you reading this right now. Seeing people get as invested in this story as I am was so amazing and beyond anything I expected, and I'm honored. I’ve received so much support and kind words and had wonderful conversations, and I want to thank all of you for being patient with me while I found this story's voice and for making this such a great experience! &lt;3</p>
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